its morning now and i'm told to not fgive a fuck. amen brohter we do igt done
Thursday, November 1, 2012
self
saems
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
hit the fan
right now i need to decide if i leave my dog to die alone with my mohrter, which is a terribe death. or i can go back for 2 years untill she is gone. what i',m going to do is an alternatiave, its make dog love last forever through my life i'm going to save roxy by having a good enough place to house her. i;m ging to afford that place by walk/training dogs. that will my my life long love for dogs last forever. i wish i would have been more stable to take roxy with me and take care of the both of us, but i could only do one.
Sometimes your evil shoulder will scream something hallway that sounds so good, then when you are finally ready to carry out that act you are completely stunted by mother nature and you decide to celebrate in a legal manner for your age at the bar getting your drink n smoke on things are so fun and good now. I don't wanna tell anyone cuz it might fuck it up and jinx its
Gluten
Gluten free things people are uneducated of what it is and who needs it unless you have celiac disease it can actually strip your diet. People are so stupid to just hear things and go with them
Monday, October 22, 2012
Anything
I don't know anything pretend to know nothing so you can spectate and not have to participate
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Ii don't know why she wouldn't cheat on me she seems so miserable having to deal with me. Why does she stay? I know I love her but don't get to hug her. So what's the point I can do all this shit alone go fuck your mother with a bottle of chines food running down her sloppy chin you are not what I need anymore you will finally leave but not with me that's the way this delicate girl of a man boylilo must be handled.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Whipping my spirit trails around the city
And my arm is just a slingshot to my mouth every human has something.hitherto hide or to keep alive. I cann write about something all day but can't even put into words what I feel this shit is a joke. Drink it off drink it off. I'm in no mood for the alpha male I'm in the mood to feel the sounds.dab maybe even leak a few out of thus sick sorry sucker that is paying money to enjoy a thought. I need ti stop living in drunken words and complete the mission finallyn. My elastic voice only stretches solar and thrash punk is all I can hear, two minutes ago none of these words were her, there's a drop in.everyone's posture as I approach the bar everything is about me in myhead but once I het so far down I want to use my day off to work on.what's really important to me. I need inspiration not some Fay girls with egg parts that reach to the soutpole of the bat, if youre a girl and wondering if you're fat just ask yourself when was the last 3 pound portion you ate. Don't kill me cause I do drugs and I'm in public.the more I drink the less my hands become my own. The first thing to take my hands is my sek concious my dream my inner inserting habitation but the next thing to take thehole into your ow. Realization standing up straight even when you can't feel your feet. I want to write the most ducked up shit I could know but I still want to say no to myself. Reverse hiss down the beer as I clear my had and replace ll thoughts with something disgraceful. I needed to take my mind of locking on to something mist people don't have the patients for thinking of expression but I relieve Di and u wint let off my writing or my jaw. I swear to god if I can keep hiring these invisible buttons ill be able to go home all ok and either way I don't want to write what you want to here. As the ii intoxication builds I see the letters holding on to one another its untrue. How are so many people forced into having a "good" time every day I want to sit back and wait for all the fireball gooch concise ti me as I'm ons bike everyday, um going to start going ti all bars on the left men think they are a dripping into godsbcrwtuon but they are trueWednesday, October 3, 2012
Shit just got real I've dumbed my brain down enough to be in public I have no reason other than to lose this feeling and to listen to music collectively one thing I ne never do I usually just listen to music for other people I stopped feeling the beat before I even knew it was called losing rhythm I told my self vapor was better than liquid when its really smoke that I desire something to kill me soft and not entertain ideas to anyone else I want to.drop my head into my stomache so I can puke it up. I'd also like puke up my stomachs, but I.have a stomache ache which is an icy moron because the word ache is part of the word stomache, and to throw your head up you can't swallow it you can't even feel it. What us a neck? Whetr does it start at the bottom of your spine Ir the top when your head breaks off will it dangle before it falls will Yoy catch it with your brainless arms*? I heat if you lose your brain your arms will still work fine.but you'll have ti pick up a boiling pit if eater with your wrists or Stubbs if hands instead if your fingers which are a direct line ti your brain. You'll quit thinking about yourself for two minutes and strap a saddle on your mind, ride it out all leather lasts a while but not forever. It mammal skin we all know that eventually gets eatin by worms or slits of unconscious thoughts. I need to leave my house mire often when I'm in drugs. Human beings are complex because of all the emotions we let bounce around inside us but there is never going to be a tab or fountain to screw in and let it out when you need you have to pour for it as they cal for you. I'm losing my grip again and gaining my sweat a front wall is blocked from my ears I begins to deny my sense of touch then focus it all into my sense of smell which is the least of all the senses that do break through. Almost all of my senses are completely blocked from the substances I abuse. I can sit at a fat girl next to the har and make her twiddle her hair but when will I grab it and pull it out Nd slam her face into the bar. I'm not planning a hate crime I just don't want to look up from.the bar . I should finish my beer and smoke a cigarette. I won't obey other people anymore but walk next to them
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Winner
<p>There is a concious wall in front of me, it's so concious I wonder if it boarders on actually conciousness of thoughts, what about self conciousness Nd then being fully aware of it then what recommendation does it make with my hands in front of me and held really high like a raptor but with more expectations like a raptor touching base with his friend the stegasaurus I'm sure its delicious meat that you could wait for the carcass ro rot the. Rake the ribs for meat to eat of the platter metal of your choice. I just witnessed a naked woman upside down holding a sign in her naked today that said winner .font color ="#000000">of</font></p>
Monday, September 3, 2012
body anguage
theres nothing so bad about myself
wer're all game players wether we like it or not we all drop a hat and pick it up at different times. some of us have shells some of us live wiht our shells as a bucket for other people to FUCK IT
....up
Saturday, September 1, 2012
disgusting
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
duck duck goose
same things circle around the dead open feeling in the center of me, i think of praying to the candle of flame that went out inme but i have nothing to start the dead stiff wick. when it was lit before it warmed my whole being i believed there was an entire thing holding everything together, i'm tired of depending. i need to grow up and depend on myself for once i need to listen to my inner most thoughts and not stop them. i choke in my head negative thought and full of bad attitude that snot who i am, out iof control in this fast spun out world. i used to be young and imagine going to bars and things would be fun, now i have such a hard time showing myself to people i need social recoaching and i lash out at the only thing i love. i got in a fight with nadine last night, i picked a fight. i wanted to celebrate because i found a new job so fast, so i picked her up from work and we went to the levee, had a few beer and shot combos thereand started to spin in and out of reality. i was drunk and my balance was at a disadvantage as we walked to teh l train to meetup with her friend. at this point my inner self was saying dont go to another bar and get more drunk. you are already drunk. but yiu should go so nadine can meet her friend and you should be cool and have fun. we find the spot called duck duck, her friend alise was there with a guy i have met before named gary. gary is a cool dude that used to work at the beauty bar i used to go to. the bartender was an old worker from the beauty bar as well, she was cool. i felt akward on the end of the group looking over at gary in his tank top looking really cool. i felt inferior sitting with them. nadine urged me to talk to them when she went to the bathroom, so i scooted over into her warm chair , i liked it. and did some talking, we talked about our days and i was doing fine. later the drinks kept coming and i became hammered, gary left and i began talking ot alise about writing and some stupid shit i was getting delirious and rambling, no longer my true self but a drunken talker making fake plans and pretending to be someone i'm not. i guess i kept drinking and the bar tender was makign me an awesome drink with some strange fuel in it. i slurped drink after drink down and nadine noticed i was tipping off the edge. the bartender saw it too. i began lashing out at my girlfriend i blacked out here, she told me i was upset about another stupid bartender i didn't even know knocking up a 19 year old girl. i acted like it was such bad information that she was witholding i was in my common delusion of believing the joke is on me and everyone is in on it. i began being manipulative under my breath to her, and i guess he friend told me that she deserves better and not all guys will treat her like that. i was blackout wehn we decided to leave. i didn't want to get in a cab so i tried to give her my laptop and i guess she convinced me on the street fighting for 45 minutes to get into the cab. finally i guess i got in. we got a block away from my house and got out to walk, she decided she wanted a sandwich so we went to the bodega i'm most familiar with. my friend was at the door that worked there and said he had coke to sell, i believe i was an asshole to him and said i don't want it. thank god i didn't buy it, we were in the store when two young black kids start harrassing us, they had a friend that was a girl, their eyes were read and they reminded me of the monkeys in jungle book, flashing their teeth and smiles, i just wanted to stop them from hopping around. we were waiting to order a sandwich when they began running up behind us and smacking my girlfriend and my ass, i was completely raged, started saying this bodega is a piece of shit and i'm never coming back and they need to get rid of people that don't have a life that just sit around the bodega these young kids were so stupid. and they molested us. i was not happy to put up with it, and it wasn't cute. nadine wanted to leave cause she had a bad feeling, so we went accross the street and i said, you know what i will go in and get the sandwich you wait outside. so she waited and i went in. on my way out they were standing at the door, one of them by my said something with that big smile and i lost control and hit him in the mouth. i was seeing double of course and had my fists up to the one i had punched. while i didn't notice the friend ran around behind me and hit me in the mouth , then in the back of the head, i could turn around and fight him or the other one would have ran up behind me. the bodega guys came out and told me to get in the store and held them off, then they said they were claling the cops, i was pacing around the front talking shit to everyone there. then the worker arranged for these to kids to escort us home and so we walked and they stopped the other kids, as we were walking i was just repeeating to nadine i want to kill those faggots, those monkeys i hate them they are so fucking stupid. i want to stab them i need to get a knife and go kill them. i hated them with every cell of my body. we heard them say "but he hit me" to the guards. we briskly walked home and when we got in, nadine opened a letter on the floor from the hospital, it was a bill that said i needed medicaid to pay for it and it would be taken care of. i began lashing out at her again and she said she was calling a cab and going home, she wasn't staying here. i was crazy with hatred for mostly myself and frustrated at my inability to communicate how i truly felt. i loved her and i was treating her like a white trash wife beater. i can't believe this, then this morning i talked to her after a suprisingly goods night sleep, probably because i passed out. she even got me ice for my lip and was very nice to me. i really fucked up. its me who is the problem i blame all the other girls i;ve dated but the fact is its me i don;t know how to be ok on my own in a relationship. but i'm learning and i just need to be better for me and treat her well. she doesnt deserve that. she told me not to spend all day feeling sorry for myself but i couldn't help it. she went to her friends and had fun getting high. i miss her and will see her tomorrow. i can't believe this cycle still happened. i'm quitting porn. i want to look at women as more than objects. i use it as an easy fix temporary escape. i want to improve my sexual life also..
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Primal instincts
It's finding an ideal mate that's beauty will keep growing out like Quakie tree roots spreading and growing. Seeing every ounce of beauty in the physical plane the eyes lips to find the perfect mate you want to size up their skills and you need to see a reason to pro creat withthem. You wa.t to preserve that person for the world. So the future generations can benefit from their exisrence. That's unselfish I want to preserve you for them.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Work
Today I had the strongest urge I've ever had to quit my job it was at the end of my shift too. I don't want to be fucking 23 year's old working as hard as I do for as little pay as I get I don't know how everyone I works with stays so positive and happy its definitely not for me. My sweat and time isn't worth those suckers. They don't deserve it I need a nice comfy job that makes me feel like a man not like the man's personal slit. I'm so uninterested in this category of person I've been fit with at this ducking job. Everything's so serious cause it is
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
highly intelligent layers of mania drenched in thunder and laughing clouds. eyes that look but don't focus back at me in teh mirror you are reflecting this to me. hand on whatever is near "i haven't been home in a long long time" thas not true i've been home before. i feel like the cause of all our problems, not the victim but the predator. fuck sorries that game is for kids. i don't dream either i just think up shit. or stay awake and smoke
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sigur ros
Prospect park 2012 didnt Pau 40$ yo get in, so im lating outside the fence where I can hear it perfectly thet jeep planning My favorite songs. Man it beautiful i have chills and goosebumps hearing these times that used to sing me to sleep. This band sounds idénticas to their álbumes and hey are playing the whole spectrum of álbumes. Its getting My inner water flowing for sure
Monday, July 30, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
i really do
i'm really in love with this girl. I'm just going to trust it and let it be, i'm not going to
wakeup!
reoocurring themes of the contest of doing things,
dreams slapped into reality
they aren't real
we're really real.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Material
I'm living in a material world and I am a material girl
Friday, July 20, 2012
Golden Eye
i'm goign to have to develop some serious ways of spending my time, i used to use this time to kill myself but now i will do something a little more "productive" i think you are not like any other girl you are special like the girl in spy movies the exotic girl that steals diamonds and robs banks with you. someone you can live wiht and have fun with forever. you're fire and i see the sun in you. when sense my hesitation it's because i'm getting very close to fire, so i'm a little startled, i'm just being cautious.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
soft
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
falling out of reality
falling out of reality is a scary thing. you land and you are in this unfamiliar world and nothing you know and trust is there or makes sense to you. it could be the darkest part of me i've ever seen. it happened first a few months ago at a party. i had gotten extremely drunk and became dellusional at an amazing roof party. there was loud music and a live drummer just jamming along to the beats. it was really hopping and i should have had a good time. my buddy rolled a joint and of course i partook. after this everything went downhill. i became paranoid about the light shining righ on my face, my girlfriend was just trying to talk to me and i was not in reality, i honestly believed that this entire thing was staged. i don't know if its because it seemed too cool and godo to be true or what. i believed my friend greg and my girlfriend were on a mission to be my "friend" or keep me under control. kind of like the truman show, it was scary. i hadn't had another experience like this for some time. yesterday i decided to get some cheap wine during the day. i was planning on drinking it alone, but when i cam home my downstairs roomates door was open so i poked my head in to see what was up. he is a really depressing guy i have no idea why i even went into that room (which used to be my old room) i don't even remember this guys name its kind of sad. he makes me feel like there is so much weight on my shoulders and he is pretty fucked up in the head. smart, but fucked up. after getting a minor buzz and him getting obliverated he started talking about ex girlfriends and shit. ick so i went to get another bottle of wine up to my room, and caught my new neighboor entering his door. we introduced ourselves and i told them i smoke and was about to smoke. he was with a black dude with long dreads pulled back, pretty cool looking dudes. so i went inside and had a seat on his couch. it was very nice and open in there, i should have taken that room. after some small talk i got really high and began to drink their cheap rum. they were cool guys but one thing i noticed was the owner of the room was very fidgety and never looked me in the eye. i began getting very introverted and coming up with some crazy ideas after talking about dennis. i felt like they were controlling my body or my inner feelings in one way or another. like i was wired up to their system and no longer controlled my own body. the man that wouldn't make eye contact sat menacing in his chair. they began talking about someone and i assumed it was me. i put together in my head that dennis the old guy in there was making a movie about me or some art project and everyone i've met that i'm kind of close to is related to this guy. greg my buddy i met through him and my girlfriend new him before. at the time i bleleived everyone i met that has associated with this guy was in some kind of matrix all watching me. it really bugge dme out. then when i got into my room i was so hammered it was turned into a mess and i didn't remember doing any of it. i couldn't hardly hold myself up i was thinking about my lover being one of them. just doing her job with me. i don't think i could be able to handle that. then i realized i might be going crazy, i might have paranoid delusions when i get extremely fucked up. when i do that i go on autopilot which then is a blank idle conciousness that can be taken ahold by any of the evil swarming inside of you. anything in your body can then slip you on like a glove, and make you pickup things and hold them to your mouth as you watch. i really love my girlfriend and i never want to be so bad that she can't stand me. sometimes we can't stand ourselves, but thats why we have loved ones, they strenghten us through positive influence and love us even when we hate us. i really appreciate that, i want unconditional love and i will give unconditional love to you and our future children forever.
Monday, July 16, 2012
seller
\
salutations follow the leader after they've dropped off a ocupl eo fyears, you lose your inner sttrenght when others are around your energy drags in their direction everyone seeems to be a vampire to you. how can you set a wwall up to block this vaccuum friends extend? shaken and scarred of nothing real just the one thing youc an't run away from yourself and the epic knowledge that all people are created, not equally but wer are all created or made into somehting we are not supposed to be at the end. feeling soft in the eyes reflects the calmness of your brain. but usually i squeese them really tight and don't let anybody really see whats underneath, i feel if they see tensipon they don't see me if they dont' see me i can't get hurt. because what there hating isn't really me. wtf kind of philosophy when clouds are always out in summer time its awesome. OH MY GOD GONS PLEASE Calm me. don't you know? i was once standing up adn i finally sat down i didn't want ot feel my legs trying anymoree. i once fell in love and i held it down, i can finally beliece i deserve our love. and the movie on the screen is a rapid rape scene... what am i supposed to do with my experiment of a self. i know you fucking faggots at heart are all watching. i see some [ep[le play jazz but not even hear it. what a gimmick some fuckimg wannabe artists can be i don't understand whats gotten into me. i don't know if i understand the continue action. am i really me mee me me em wtf i dunnnt want me or any friends in this i wish i spilt on myself and woke up with it fora change something is coming and its landing fast i cant feel safe i dont know what to do about that.
Friday, July 13, 2012
loosie
somethign has been delicious in the air ately i think its reality but i can't be sure if i trust it. i went ot the store for a sand witch and ended up getting talked to by this old bum guy with a hole in his center lung areat and a tube as well. he asked to see my tattoo and said it was something he'd seen before, all i told him was it was da vinci and then we stood together waiting for my sandwich in silence. then two dudes walked in headed straight for the beer section. the one in front stared me down, i just stood waiting to feast on cajun turkey. i got my sandwich high from the high deli chef, and checked out from the high cashier. it was nice wobble wobble was playing on the radio and it felt amazing. i left and doubled back, i had forgotten to pickup loose cigarettes even though i have 3 more in my pack. while asking for the loosing one of the dudes said "did you just say loosie they have loosies here" i grunted him off got my cigarettes and was out the door. on the outside i got a light from the bum that asked me about my tattoo, a human as an extention to a lighter much like my arm. love for people much like arms. a tall fit black man was yelling outside the bodega i couldn't quite tell if he was talking to someone across the street or just yelling at god because the bum seemed very into his conveersatuin it could have gone either way. i turned around the corner after lighting my cigarette and the man yelled "white boy" i ginored him "white boy yeah i'm talking to you" i turned around and he was approaching fast spitting game to get a cigarette i said "i only have a couple of loosies for me and my girl" he replied "you got any loose change?"
"nope i'm broke"
"where the cash at find the cash"
we departed on this question of information.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
I have no idea why I feel so afraid now that I'm.finally in the same house as nadines parents. I'm usually good with parents but for some reason I am really nervous because I think it's serious and its something that could probably make or break the relationship. Jesus I want it so bad bit now that I'm here o feel afraid I just need to remember it will all be over soon then it will be out of the way. I have no idea w
hy I feel like an intruder but I do. My eyes are focused weird. I wonder how many non Jew people have felt this pressure and I feel so fine there is a nutty storm.outside thst pushed me into.this scenario, like a child that can't swim once he's.been flu.ng into the water by someone he trusts he has no choice but to swim and swim fast. I wish I was at a swimming pool right now.we.could have.more fun this intimate shut is crazy. I just should have wentiit to galleries,e

















