justusville: August 2012

same things circle around the dead open feeling in the center of me, i think of praying to the candle of flame that went out inme but i have nothing to start the dead stiff wick. when it was lit before it warmed my whole being i believed there was an entire thing holding everything together, i'm tired of depending. i need to grow up and depend on myself for once i need to listen to my inner most thoughts and not stop them. i choke in my head negative thought and full of bad attitude that snot who i am, out iof control in this fast spun out world. i used to be young and imagine going to bars and things would be fun, now i have such a hard time showing myself to people i need social recoaching and i lash out at the only thing i love. i got in a fight with nadine last night, i picked a fight. i wanted to celebrate because i found a new job so fast, so i picked her up from work and we went to the levee, had a few beer and shot combos thereand started to spin in and out of reality. i was drunk and my balance was at a disadvantage as we walked to teh l train to meetup with her friend. at this point my inner self was saying dont go to another bar and get more drunk. you are already drunk. but yiu should go so nadine can meet her friend and you should be cool and have fun. we find the spot called duck duck, her friend alise was there with a guy i have met before named gary. gary is a cool dude that used to work at the beauty bar i used to go to. the bartender was an old worker from the beauty bar as well, she was cool. i felt akward on the end of the group looking over at gary in his tank top looking really cool. i felt inferior sitting with them. nadine urged me to talk to them when she went to the bathroom, so i scooted over into her warm chair , i liked it. and did some talking, we talked about our days and i was doing fine. later the drinks kept coming and i became hammered, gary left and i began talking ot alise about writing and some stupid shit i was getting delirious and rambling, no longer my true self but a drunken talker making fake plans and pretending to be someone i'm not. i guess i kept drinking and the bar tender was makign me an awesome drink with some strange fuel in it. i slurped drink after drink down and nadine noticed i was tipping off the edge. the bartender saw it too. i began lashing out at my girlfriend i blacked out here, she told me i was upset about another stupid bartender i didn't even know knocking up a 19 year old girl. i acted like it was such bad information that she was witholding i was in my common delusion of believing the joke is on me and everyone is in on it. i began being manipulative under my breath to her, and i guess he friend told me that she deserves better and not all guys will treat her like that. i was blackout wehn we decided to leave. i didn't want to get in a cab so i tried to give her my laptop and i guess she convinced me on the street fighting for 45 minutes to get into the cab. finally i guess i got in. we got a block away from my house and got out to walk, she decided she wanted a sandwich so we went to the bodega i'm most familiar with. my friend was at the door that worked there and said he had coke to sell, i believe i was an asshole to him and said i don't want it. thank god i didn't buy it, we were in the store when two young black kids start harrassing us, they had a friend that was a girl, their eyes were read and they reminded me of the monkeys in jungle book, flashing their teeth and smiles, i just wanted to stop them from hopping around. we were waiting to order a sandwich when they began running up behind us and smacking my girlfriend and my ass, i was completely raged, started saying this bodega is a piece of shit and i'm never coming back and they need to get rid of people that don't have a life that just sit around the bodega these young kids were so stupid. and they molested us. i was not happy to put up with it, and it wasn't cute. nadine wanted to leave cause she had a bad feeling, so we went accross the street and i said, you know what i will go in and get the sandwich you wait outside. so she waited and i went in. on my way out they were standing at the door, one of them by my said something with that big smile and i lost control and hit him in the mouth. i was seeing double of course and had my fists up to the one i had punched. while i didn't notice the friend ran around behind me and hit me in the mouth , then in the back of the head, i could turn around and fight him or the other one would have ran up behind me. the bodega guys came out and told me to get in the store and held them off, then they said they were claling the cops, i was pacing around the front talking shit to everyone there. then the worker arranged for these to kids to escort us home and so we walked and they stopped the other kids, as we were walking i was just repeeating to nadine i want to kill those faggots, those monkeys i hate them they are so fucking stupid. i want to stab them i need to get a knife and go kill them. i hated them with every cell of my body. we heard them say "but he hit me" to the guards. we briskly walked home and when we got in, nadine opened a letter on the floor from the hospital, it was a bill that said i needed medicaid to pay for it and it would be taken care of. i began lashing out at her again and she said she was calling a cab and going home, she wasn't staying here. i was crazy with hatred for mostly myself and frustrated at my inability to communicate how i truly felt. i loved her and i was treating her like a white trash wife beater. i can't believe this, then this morning i talked to her after a suprisingly goods night sleep, probably because i passed out. she even got me ice for my lip and was very nice to me. i really fucked up. its me who is the problem i blame all the other girls i;ve dated but the fact is its me i don;t know how to be ok on my own in a relationship. but i'm learning and i just need to be better for me and treat her well. she doesnt deserve that. she told me not to spend all day feeling sorry for myself but i couldn't help it. she went to her friends and had fun getting high. i miss her and will see her tomorrow. i can't believe this cycle still happened. i'm quitting porn. i want to look at women as more than objects. i use it as an easy fix temporary escape. i want to improve my sexual life also..