Dry Heat

i’m home here back in utah and it feels great, its like settling down in a nest that someone made for you your whole life. i forgot all the memories i had here and all the cool stuff i own. i want to make my home in new york more like it is here, but i fear that is impossible, because i like the smells my mother has and nothing smells good for long in new york. and with my junkie roomates its way hard enough to keep it clean.  man i know what returning home is like now, and its wonderful here. everything is so simple and nothing is a lie.  i feel like i am in my place and i wish i could have a doorway that took me home whernenber i felt like it. but i don’t have that and i never will, so i’m going to have to make a plan here on how i’ll stay strong in new york and not smoke too much weed, and get a job and have my head on straight. i need to get a job and become independant. it was hard there new york wore me down quite a bit but i see now that my home will always be here for me and it is fairy tale perfect. my mother and rose decorated the house for my when i got home. i got picked up from the airport by scotty and mardy his girlfriend. we then hit up del taco and munched out. i was really sore from the day before and i’m still really sore.  it has been so nice to feel okay here and not be afraid of everyone constantly. we went to cafe rio with rose while my mom was at work and nicole and nick picked her up, and that asshole nick had the nerve to offer me spice (that smokeable bullshit) that waas the first hting he asked me.  and i told him fuck that it gives me a headache. i didnt care that he asked, but obviously infront of the kids was retarded.  i am preparing to quit smoking again and i feel ready again. its easier out here everything is soft and nice to me.  nothing feels threatening. but wehn i went to cafe rio i ran into my old teacher from allc and i told her i was living in new york interning at a recording studio. but then i got all anxious its like i was in new york again. everything was shaking and i couldnt relax i then couldnt order my food loud enough which always pisses me off. Scott and i got some beers last night and i had to chug 6 to get a buzz, and was extremely dehydrated this morning. they are worse on your stomache i think having to drink as many as you do to get drunk.  being alone in a house is the most amazing feeling. i’m lonely in new york but i’m not really alone. it kind of sucks like that. it feels like i have a guard up making me snap at some things my mother says. roxy is so cute i wish i could stay here, but i need to do whats right -adventuring.  there is so much to do in this world with soo many places with all different people living different cultures.  we watched teen mom last night because mardy wanted to. i was pretty sick of the damn show and went to bed. it feels good to sleep in a queen i was very comfortable. i found out explosions in the sky + no age are playing the twighlight festival.   i broke out my harmonicas that i have never played then beagan walking around blowing out my bluese like crazy. it felt good it felt fvery animal but natural.  i had to wake up to hide all the beer in the house , apparently my grandparents are coming up to surprise me by taking me to dinner. i’m excited to see them i guess i made grandpa cry when i talked to him once i got back. i love the old guy, i feel a very deep connection with him lately. like we are a lot alike, during his alcoholic days i think he just htought a little more than everyobdy else but the society and ienvironment he lived in was so limiting it crushed all his thoughts.  now he’s a jesus man , i’m cool with that he knows what makes him happy, gardening, watching birds, feeeding birds, cooking.  i dont’ want him to die soon but i fear he might. he is 69 years old i hope he doesnt before i really get to know him. it feels like i cant get to know him though. i wonder if he thinks he knows me like he wants to?  i’ve grown distant from everything and everyone for a while now , idon’t know why. I hate it i wish i could just be the sweet kid i am on the inside nobody can tell me different. i feel like doing something great like writing an album while i’m here only with less preessure. i just need to let my animal side out by blowing that harmonica. cj is going to let me borrow his guitar which will be great. the dry heat is hotter here for sure , my skin is dry because of it. flaky .  i’ve been confused with my feelings about love for a while now. i met michael colwill at the dock on the night gay marriage got passed, we have been emailing eachother. i have a positive friend when i get back in town. he does hot yoga in the city , he also told me that he would be moral support for me to go do it. i would love that because he had a great body, looked very happy dancing alone on a small platform.  i was suprised he talked to me. this fate shit is either really clever or a load of BS.  i need to not take out the fun of living,, be more like alli G testing th boundaries from people.
i’m relieved to here music about people feeling the same way i do. im playing portishead through my tube record player, it sounds so golden.  my dog is holding a grudge against me i can tell. i guess i taught her about distancing herself so she just is doing what her daddy does.  i’m confused about robyn. i dont really love her its been so long. i just need a fucking confidence boost, i need to know i can get her back. i want to be someone that is down to earth and not nervous about anything anymore. i am that person i can write to be myself.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011
being home has been a shake to reality. a lot of closure has happened. my grandparents took me out to lunch yesterday.  my grandpa said that he woke up and said”gloria want to do something stupid” which was driving 2 hours to take me to lunch. of course he knew my grandma would say yes to doing something stupid . it was really good hanging with scott we played starcraft. at sizzler we talked about this generation and the effect technology has on us. my grandma had to bring up this generations lack of grooming etc.  my grandpa bore his testimony to scott and i. instead of just being completely put off and not hearing what he had to say i heard every word relating it to how i feel with what makes sense to me. i could have argued telling him my side, what it means to me. the illusion of christ is the best way humans can understand the universe. its like teaching kids about things in simpler terms so it doenst blow their minds giving them comfort in knowledge with what is familiar or makes sense to them. vic came over after work and it was good to see him. he is a great guy that is in his groove doing what he does.  i truly believe he will be a semi famous musician in the indie community some day. he’s so much cooler than some of the people in new york. we laid on the couch while i told him all about new york city, waiting for cj to give us the ok to head over. then we finally did.  cj was awesome to see but i get social anxiety and had to break the ice in order to be a .
i just want to be normal and okay so badly. why do i feel like this? my brain must be the problem like my mom says. why cant i just be okay lik ei could wehn i was younger? what happened to me? i guess not trusting myself to take care and nuture is something that i hav emissed, it seems like i’m a different person then justus right now its really shitty. this is depression and anxiety i need to get back on meds i think. i hate to do it with the way i drink, but i need to slow down or i’m going to die very young. i hurt inside. my body doesnt feel like its mine, neither does anything i own. its like the real justus died, nobody can help me but me. i just wallow in this self pity and it makes me seem so pathetic to myself. i’m home with my dog who i love which i thought would make me happy, but i have a mental block up in my brain not allowing me to be happy. anti depressants make me love her! i woke up and had a good walk with my mom and suzi but i just dont feel like myself. i used to get really happy in the summer. now i feel more dead each year. somebody PLEASE tear this false self from  my soul. i need an exorcism. my head wont stop spinning, i can’t smell or taste anything or heare anything. i’m in a control room operating out of obligation. its a terrible feeling with shaky vision and my mine running rampant over its self crashing then burning then crashing then burning. nothing i do helps for more than a day or an hour.  what in the fuck.

new york shows

shows in NYC

MAY 6th -Lightning Bolt, Ducktails, The So So Glows, Pterodactyl
This was an outdoor ordeal, Great loud awesome band, been waiting to see them all my life, i went alone and walked around hitting my pipe in phone booths, i got pretty stoned and just stood around, drinking free redbull and smoking cigarettes, watching all the college students eat their cheesecake and have such a solid genuine fun time. ducktails was a bit of a dissapointment, i actually felt kind of emberassed for this guy. I was looking around wanting to say, this is cool guys right? but honestly it was just some big jawed guy making sounds and occasionally singing karoake over them. he obviously doens’t make his music for anyone but himself. which i s something i respect very much.  pterodactyle was really cool and fast and loud.  then wehn lightning bolt finally came on i was so excited and they played amazing, he hit those drums with trememdnous foorce that beat down like thunder pitched down and fast forwarded.

June 18th the oh see’s
This was a really great show, i got there and scoped the place out. it was a big inside, had a bunch of nice leather lounge furniture, and then there was a restuarant type setup, to the right a flight of stairs leading to bathrooms.  the alcohol bar was to the left and back in the dark rroom, wehre a black lady guarded like a dog the gate to the bowlers, it was dark and teh band was playing loud. a screen hung over head projecting nature documentaries and footage of elephants.  the bar was expensive as usual, and i spent all my money as usual on draft beers. brooklyn summer lager to be exact. delicious. i was sitting in a big leather arm chair people watching when this drunk woman and her friend asked me to take a picture of them, we got talking a little and then i ended up hanging out with them a bit. when we went up to use the bathroom he went in the ladies room with her and she told me to, but i didn’t want to get kicked out for a line of cocaine. so i peed and ditched them.  I think this pissed them off cause they saw me with a beer and said oh justus already has a drink. when we were talking they asked wehre i was from and they seemed suprised i was from utah.  i asked why they asked me and they said that i looked eastern european, like a polish or russian person maybe.  this made me feel kind of cool. if i wanted i can tell anyone i meet i’m from poland with some fake accent, i could probably get laid much easier this way.  i told them i waas going to save a bench, and they never came back. they ditched me i guess they thought, but i came alone for one reason- to see a band play.  i was smoking a cigarette outside when a redhead around 30 years old asked me about my cracked cellphone screen (more like shatttered) it struck up some conversation and we talked for a little while. she was an editor or something for a magazine and we talked about how many writers are in new york city. everyone calls themselves a writer, and none of them write good.  this includes me, i’m learning to stop thinking i’m an artist and just be one.  its hard though i’ve had a little pollution in my head spread out and go along way, beating on my body as i walk down the street out of sync with myself wishing i wasnt there, i go to this place in my head where i’m not there i try not to be there, and it sucks with the shaky control and loss of pleasure.  impulsively tripping down curbs and compulsively lifting my hands to my face in a habitual frenzy and not looking anyone in the eye.  i walk different in soho i feel more accepted and normal there, its beccause i’m white and it is strange but black people are still new to me and i don’t know how to handle them, i am a bit afraid of their naturalness. but the girls do turn me on i’ve seen some fine piece of black ass.  so at this show i was out of cash and didnt bring a joint like i should have.  so i watched the elephant movie and watched the people pack in to the large bowling alley venue.  the sound girl was admireing the sound guy, she must have been an assistant i sensed a strange thing between her and him as i watched her get close to his shoulder with her face and he stood there confidently not looking at her when he spoke.  she was leaning and puttin gherself there for him. i bet he was married. something i’ve learned about new york shows is that they are just like shows anywhere else.  there is an audience and a band performing. the audience however here is different, everyone is too uptight and busy looking hip and cool to let there hair down and bob their head, this energy efffected my ability to let my head bob, so i stomped on the ground hard all night and wiggled my knees.  when the band got on stage they looked exactly how i imagined trhey would. the bassist i recognized from moments ago outside, he was right next to me smoking during my conversation with the magazine editor, i thought he might be someone from the badn because a woman was taking a photo of him as i was coming back in.  the singer guitarist was a healthy guy with a hip milatary haircut if that is even possible. the band started with a hit form help, and was loud and fast.  listening to their record i never imagined how fast they physically have to play to get that dancing wall of fuzzy energy to jump out at you.  it was rock and roll baby, the bassist was like a natural  machine, he was constantly moving his head to the tempo of the fast songs, it looked impossible.  the singer had a great energy and when he spoke to the crowd he had a delay on his voice and he was very short and sweet. this guy looked like osmeone i would want to know. had his head on tight, enrgy to sing in a crazy voice and strum his guitar like a madman.  inbetween songs he would pickup new guitars and flaunt them around while playing with them high up right under his chine, the guitar was like a machine gun body part. he looked like he was part of the guitar and his arm must have a battery to move like that.  muscles too.  this was a guy i look up to.  inbetween songs he would shake his hands off and you could tell he had overcome and pushed through a certain level of discipline he needed to stand the physical pain and discomfort that was bound to be cause from anyone playing as fast.  the songs went on and they executed them perfectly with the tamborine girl not singing as much as she did on the record they have. they had a crazy new song that was kind of prog rockish and psychedelic but still sounded great. the drummer went off on a solo and he played in an interesting surfer feel and rounded the drums like bases on a field. they were up there for aobut 10 songs or so and didnt stop with the energy, they looked like they barely broke a set. when they announced the last song after the drum solo you could tell they were not letting you see how tired they were.  so they slammed out another tune and we all shuffled out like a pack of sardines.  i knew an encore wouldnt happen because it a thing of the past.  so i went out smoked a cigarette. and found a slice of pizza to counter some of the low beer effects i was beggining to feele. my legs were tired from standing and stiff from trying not to touch other people in the crowd



ERIC COPELAND

Fix

1..
is this digital age responsible for the loss of brain matter in this generation? what is going on with our social antics is completely opposite of the natural way. we’ve all learned to google anything and to flirt and be more charismatic and likeable through texting and what have you, smoking cigarettes and drinking. i’ve been unkowningly using smoking as a way to look normal for so long, the social advantages” are not really advantages when you think about it. if you stand on a corner and just stand there you will feel very akward andsense that everyone is looking at you even thoug this isnt the case. smoking is a reason to stand on a corner or talk to someone without feeling AS weird. but you know what i’ve outgrown it and it DOES make ME feel WEIRD now! also drinking, i’ve been reading my own body language a lot lately, and its like i am guarding my food like i’m in prison when i eat, when i sleep i am ready to pop up at any given moment. i love my seleep all i have to do today is sleep, i can be or do whatever i want. i just burned my throat. in little sections of my room i have labeled with tape the zones of conciousness, when i look down at the box that isnt mine i know i’m in level 1 layer 1 of my callice, it is a genuine struggle through the day l burn my throat and sing about carousels, or don’t sing at all.
1.
toppling over one another, my lives are no longer linear. i’m spread like a shot shell in the walls of the third floor new york city. it was morning on the other end of america, the coyotes were howling. “old kenny got drunk and beat vrigine up again” bobcats and oyster roads, coney island strolling up my back. sand is shooting against your skin the wind blowing hard like tiny shards like a shrapnel.  the pomegranite pops in my mouth as i gaze out my window onto my dirty street. I llit a cigarette. The night before i was at the radio station recording a live show on my laptop. I finally got out of there at 3am drunk and high. i couldn’t walk straight up my block and munched on sucker i’d been given. Of course, I reach for my keys and blunge up the stairs covering the whole flight in a fastforward hop. no keys. I was locked the fuck out... FUCK. so I sat down i made friends twith a cat but i didn’t want to touch it that much. it ewas a cute little bugger though, cats kind of remind me of a strrange bird. their body is all soft and loost with muscle like a  birds, the fur is almost like a shiny coat of feather. they haven’t a bone of nuerosis in there bodies.  chickens probably do, chickens are pissy little fucks. So i went and bought some munchies and waited for the sun to rise. when i lived on the second floor and someone was locked out they would throw rocks, not pebbles heavy rocks at my window to get my attention, it would scare the shit out of me when they hit wiht that hard THUD I would jump oup to see who had thrown it. then of course go down and let them in, i’m guilty of sitting up there and pretending nott to hear it, then he threw wa huge rock so i decided i better go down before he breaks my window. last night i threw peples, rocks, coins all sorts of shit on my bitch 2nd floor room mate natalie. I tried over 100 times and no one came, she probably isn’t even home.  after a couple hours of hanging wiht the stray tom cat and chugging milk and eating cookies, pouring the cat some milk out of the lid. i laugheed and pointed at the cat, itw as going to get diahread from drinkin that milk I mocked it and poored it more. I’m allergic to cats. I did hold its little face at one point when i became delirious as the sun was coming up/.  morning came and i started to get really pissed off that natalie wasnt coming to my aid when i wante dher to be the best she could well you know hwat she couldnt do it for me and i guess i’m just going to have to find out the right way to get in. so i got up and kicked the door as hard as i could rpeatedly, then i noticed a face wrapped behind the curtains from down stairs from the hispanic family I thought i twas a women, i couldn tbe sure i did have my glasses on. then the man answered and let me in. he looked so tired and comfortable. I was in finally and ready for bed. I sealed off my curtains and crawled into bed after a quick massage from the massage chair my roomates borrwed me. I lit a cigarette , turned my fan and went to “sleep”. at 9am, 2 hours after going to sleep I was woken up to a jackhammer directly outside my window. I wanted to yell SHUT UP FUCKERS! but i was too tired. so here i am now sitting on my bed, starring out my window thinking about my grandpa bob. he is a great man he was the mayor of this small town called orderville, i loved his house when i was younger we would play NES, dr mario and all sorts of shit together it was a blast. a fat fly is dying in my room, i can smell it. he would always have the best food and stuff like that, i should call him. the people outside doing construction is the most annoying fucking thing in the world. i dont know why i chose this city to live in with no money, i think i need to save up a bunch of money and move back here someday. but i don’t feel right doing that i just need a break to go home, i stop from the city. i fill my belly with junk.
goodmorning.


2.Happy Birthday

teaching someone how to be is retarded fucking retarded. iwhy have i gained this ultra sense of negativity and hatred for my own self? i lopve it. was it the drugs iv’e abuse, was it something i did?


i just watched an aepisodeof this american life and it was about an artist painting peopel as jesus, i saw a guy i knew and it made me cry a lot. i feel good crying. i miss utah. it was good to see it. all these things words cant describe are eating me up..



Thursday, June 23, 2011 4:14PM
i’ve been eating in the strangest psychotic manner for the past year, i eat whatever people give me and i don’t worry about getting my order right. i used to pick off the onions and scrape the mustard. now iam completely passive with my choice of food and the digestion never works because i never truly wanted to eat it in the first place. it was just something to do, something to hold hand to mouth, like the habbit i’ve been told i suffer from.  i eat untill i’m full and bored still.  then i find somethine else constantly craving opposite of what i just ate, and following up with a desert that is high fructose or cigarette.  it’s weird to not feel your food, not to taste it or smell it. i don’t really taste or smell anything anymore, or for that matter feel.  i wish i could feel like before all of this started.  i used to be very sensitive and vulnerable. i wanted to cake calises over that to protect myself.   i felt everything for everyone,  and it hurt a lot.  but i unconciously decided very young that i would do what all the star musicians i looked up to did, fucked with drugs and aimed direcetly between their own eyes  in an attempt to toughen up or cover up what they really were. to become unaffected by whatever is done to us or whatever we hear.  this bad habit has continued for too long, i’ve been constiapted in thought and in shit for too long.  I have had dislocated shoulder and shaky hands for too long to bear anymore.  so they only thing to get back to where i was is start caring again, because in the first place trying to not care was a major dis to myself becuase this was a lie and incongruent with my inner light.  i slowly became more like my physical body on the inside and this was not a good thing, because my physical body is unhealthy.  but it isnt’ i watched a show yesterday with a parapalegic that had such a great outlook on life and everyhitn, he sat there watching movies and writing with his thoughts and learning about the world, he pierced his eyebrow, hired assistance to help paint his fingernails when he got tired of his mother.  then he found a girlfriend and this made me feel so good because physically this guy was a head and a small dead body ( he looked pretty cool with his painted black nails, died hair and eyebrow piercing)  he was actualy unhealthy, my lack of health is an act that i implanted in myself to try and be less effected by the world. but it has stabbed me in the back.  the ciagerettes for social interaction have become a terrible crutch adn an akward habit, they are no long natural and calming up to my face. i shake and am in pain the whole time i smoke them. i convince myself i’m addicted and so i am.  i do want to quit feeling this pain. i’ve just fed the wrong wolf inside me for so long that he is much bigger than my good wolf, i need to starve the other wolf and gut his heart and replace it with a stuffed version of a puppy.  i need to feed my posiitve wolf so it can take control again and grow strong. whatever you feed in your head is likely to grow bigger adn become more dominant.  so you have to watch what your feeding, if you get cockroaches in the physical world, you wouldn’t start leaving out feasts for them, you would try and be cleaner and never crumb.  if you get the cockroaches in your head then you should do the same thing, not feed them just because they are there, you need to make a change to keep them from coming back, and let them know there is nothing here for them.  then they will die off in your head and be eaten by the good wolf that acts in completely truth to what i want. 







as i pace in my kitchen gliding over the tile patterns and gazing out the window through the lense of the screen, and my operating self is set off, i hear your voice i hear him i feel him in the other room that fuck of a roomate of mine, the epihany of unhealthy one clot of fucking worthless shit i would rather not be around anymore, sure he helped me out today but he is shady stupid and wierd like the rest off all these new yorkers, this place is not as artistic and raw as i thought it was, it feels likenew york is an ice cube tray, we are the water that has to fit into its little spac enad freeze, we cannot be ourselfves heere, everyone has their own new york persona that is completely unlike them unless they were rasied here, maybe its just me. but i dont know i see all these people being themselves here and i can’t understand how they do it, why are they not coweirng in fear and shaking from the trauma of the energy? i guees severyone is diefferent and i’m as unique as they come. so i just don’t know anymore i think i need a break and that is alll, i think i need to stop befreiending people i cant stand also.  so if anything new york has toaught me that sometimes we make the wrong decisions and things are not exactly what they advertised, but i’m judging off of people i know that are my roomates that arent even from here. i hate the fuck out of him, his snake eyes and shaky animal fake laughter, i just want something real, i’m sick and tired of spindiling this web of fake shit for other people to look at and it fall apart into one complete stream of nothing but negativity that actualy drives me lower to the ground. sad songs are like the heart beat, slow and loving. i love the lsad songs they ring through the air and make me remember what it is lik eother places. i knew new york would be hard, but maybe i just wasnt cut out for it. i have a hard time bleieving that i just need to get over the culture shock and live here for a little longer, if it doesnt start getting better i might die i migtht killmyself or kill my roomate, sitting htere munching on my cheetohs leaving godamned dishes in my room for me to clean up. grow up dood your 27 years old and you act weaker and less stable than me, and i’m pretty unstable. maybe you should fucking overdose you pig coward fuck. with you goatee and backwards hat. you are the exact kind of person i don’t like, why have i let you into my life. i’;m not friends with you nore i will never really be. you are okay sometimes and we do eachother facvors but a friendship based on favors is both selfish and useless to me. i cna myself favors just as easily as you can.  my thought constipation has stopped i’m okay now, my body is okay too, i am proccesssing myf ood right and i’m breathing deep into my diaphragm. i don’t want to be hereso i’m leaving. but i’ll be here now while i have to be. man it isnt even sad that i’m leaving i am so ready. i felt this way in arizona. what is it that i need to be happy? i should actually try all the shit happy people do, it actually works. i just always have to say but after everything and try and prove it wrong. thats my nature a littele bit. but it is also my nature to breathe and read and love, write, fuck, sleep, eat, kill, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckf i want to paint i dream a pretty cool picture from tripping.  the ups store seems so fare away right now and i just want to play super nintendo games.



Saturday, June 25, 2011 12:35PM
my body has a pulse that my eyes create from the blindness they have inside they are tired of reahing so far to see everything, and i roll a cigarette now watching my stomache beat down to my legs, my arm pulses and shakes as i dance inside to this sorrow of lonesome ness, i block out all love like i thought i would. i remember the night we were in your car, the comfort of acar heat has alwasy made me feel at home and releaxed, parked under that yellow light in the parking lot of some school as the windows get tattered with frost and snow. the air is calm and everything was still. now the skies shake, the cars beat down their path outside my window screeching and screaming for my to wake up, they make designs on my wall even with my curtains drawn.  i talked to you yesterday and now this one called me today. oh how i cant wait for the simplicity of home. i thought i would never look forward to winter butin utah it is so calm late at night when those big flakes fall and you can look up and see stars, and hear no one else around. i am here for today and tomorrow i need to know what to do to get you back. i think i need to let down my guard and stop treating this life a s a war. i’m not on the battle field i’m in a city.  it feels like a battle field with all the blacks gawking and staring as a walk by just waiting to yell faggot when i get out of sight.  since i cut my hair a black girl hasn’t blown me kisses, and i feel more like a revolutionary artist or something someone taht is prepared for the apocalypse with his looks, long nails and sore muscles from digesting fistfuls of mushrooms and cigarettes. i didn’t drink last night because i was broke i’m glad though i’m sick of it. everyday is the same when i do that, i feel hungover even though i slept pretty great. i am still recovering, letting my insides find their rightful place in myself again. i nuture and treat myself like a kitten to try and follow what the books say, but it just hurts still. i have this beat down behind my eyes dismantling everying i look at and picking apart all the flaws. or just looking at it completely indifferent to weather or not its really there. the blindness i’ve created for myself is what really scares me when i go out, that people can see this, not see me. and so i jerk and cry sometimes when i’m alone, and i havent felt whole since i went to the beach. but i should go to the beach today cause i wont be back for a little while. it was simpler when all i had were video games, it was right to grow up and continue on theis new york path the beautiful city i just need to leave my fucking room. i’ve tried reminding myself this numerous times, but my lathargy takes hold and ties my muscles and smacks them with a ruler for every attempt i make to get out or think of something better. so i fly lon airlplaneds tomorrow and instead fo being excieted for that i am worried about how i will get to the airport, and if i need to print off my ticket. i’m sick of falling into this human trap that society has grown into. everyone lives in their ego and ahs no regaurd for themselves. everyonece in a while you will be decieved by some natural snake that has become completely like their ego, they arent the kindt hat i want to hang around with or be with. they just want to get soemthing out of you like most other people. they want to hurt you more and more that you can hurt yourself. they will invade your space and make you not able to breathe. like teh ocean flows inside of us and i can hear it in my ears up past over the glow of sound the city of people creates. i will be at the dock soon sitting by fisherman and outcasts, drunks, and sluts. preps and more. the amusement parks roller coaster of coney island will rattle and growl at me as an advertisement, but i wont hear it i will have my headphones on and shoes to walk where i’m going, i’ll clip my toenails that seem to never grow back in the same ammount of time. i’m growing up now and my body is a heaven for my soul to sit. smelling my roomates potatoes makes me want to eat, as i creep by to take a shit and peak in the room full of friends and a bed spread in the middle of the floor, they are probably eating psychoblin and dusting records off the shelf to roll blunts on and keep in rotation untill the  night comes, wehn they pull out the beer, and talk and enjoy eachother i wish i could enjoy someone else, but i feel like shit around other people, i only feel slightly better alone. it is a tomb here and i use it to my advantage. but my selfish ego wants a  free ride, its a hard thing to deny it.  once in a while i’ll get in my circle of breathing i can be okay if i continue this circle.  i loved you a while ago, now i don’t know if i do. i hope i do cause i think i need to be in love to get over this slump i dwell on the women of my past like week old soup that i keep heating , then reheating, eating and never shitting out, then i gather the rest of the ingriedients from all my relationships and cook it into loving you. then i eat that but i never shit it out. i need to shit this love out .


june 25th



ioh my god wehat a fucking night my roomate brandon invited mtto his show iand i dindnt really want to go but i did and it weas amazing, we ended up leaving and seeing remi on the train and goign ot the waterfront and drining a bunch of whiskey i wasnt distorted like most would be, we did handstands on the boardwalk and we climbed the pull to do pushups. also the one legged squats killed my legs, it was so great this beautiful kindergardten taecher named michael talked to me by the water and i felt like i didnt knowe how to act but loved him still, he got my email and we continued forward. brandon played guitar here and made 17 bucks to spend on more alcohol. we went to the stonewall and squoase the rough the peopl, when i wlaked in i shatered some glasses as i brushed passed that fucking stuffed corner full of used derinks .  afterwrd we got on the train and talked to a crazy clown until we missed our stop  we had to get on the other train and were sitting at the platform waitng and i saw a beauty with short legs and coarse asian hair. i was inlove. so on the trian ride home brandon suggested that i write a note to her and give it to her before she gets off the train. it was so fun and excited and i was just drunk enough to actually do it. she was a beauty and i told her so in the note. to my suprise she texted me right when i got home and we conversed and i found iout she was 17 years old. that is illegal. fuck, her name is tina.


Sunday, June 26, 2011
i need to get back into my old listening habits to music i enjoy, this includes grindcore and mmainly the locust is still my favorite band and i’ve forgotten that heavy music is so damned good.  i woke up with sore legs and felt really good for being hungover. i am leaving to the airport in a couple hours and i’m very excited to be goign home hopefulely i’ll get enough lovin to last me when i come back here. i’m going to miss the pizza. its going to be a tranformation being in utah for sure. i will feel so much more comfortable and happy with myself, even though i’m starting to feel that way here. you just got to do it like nike, i always say that and then forget it and go into weak deer shaking baby mode.  brandon is breaking up with olya and i could hear the poor guy yelling this morning “why did you bring me here ? did you bring me here to destroy me!?”  and last night he kept saying things in a heavy angry and he cried in front of me. it was sad and pathetic because i agree with everything he was saying about himself. he says he lies to protect people but thats bullshit he lies to be a liar and is a fuck for that. but i have a friend in miami now and hopefully he will leave because his vibes are not the greatest although we have fun sometimes. i’m glad i came to new york and i’m living the dream.  i can nget any girl i want and do whatever i want here.  its a golden age and i thought that we werent alive for anything cool, but look at the gay marriage law passing and the fucking crazy visual music going on lately. facebook is tearing down the world as usuall, but it doenst seem like that big of a deal somehow anymore.  i drank a bunch last night and had such a wonderful time it was like ever since i read the first couple pages of the eckhart toli book i have changed and i’m not ever going back to that weak persont hat lays  around feeling sorry for himself. i need to move on emotionally with my life and these women of my are ready to topple over, i’ve stacked them so high and i confuse them all now it is a silly thing to do but i do it . when i was a young kid i loved being the leader, the source of energy and the short good punk skateboarder. i havent skateboarded for a while now but plan on it when i get bakc into utah. scotty is picking me up at the airport in salt lake at midnight then we are going to my moms house in orem.  i’m excited to have a good summer with my old best buddy i hope he feels the same and is ready for this. i’m excited to ride in cars again, the last time i was in a car that wasnt paid for or complete junk was 4 months ago in my moms car on the way to the airport.  staying away from family is hard but it really allows you the space you need to find out who you are and make it work.  sherry the land lord is too scared to use paypal which is just fukcing retarded so i have to mail a check. i’m goign to find a way to work out here when i get bakc and i’m going to make bank and move into a sweet studio apartment where i can be louder more like myself. alone.   i hope i get brick walls and no cockroaches. the way everyone is here is a veil underneath they are just all from other places in america. this is america i guess.  its a great city for its ugly streets, pretty tall buildings, ugly people beautiful people. ethnic diversity. gangsters. i hope i can get to the jfk airport alright i need to take a shuttle there or something.  i love it i love it i love it.  i’m a strong young man. i’m going to be 22 years old, this age actually fits my personality. 21 was a weird age much like being 17, its an ugly number that doesnt match my personality. another year older, another year wiser. i’m an adult now growing up is what this is all about it wreaks through my skin.  my body is still young and my mind ttoo. i feel like i’m sstill developing.  the water grows up to the dock and swallows everything whole every once in awhile and washes away the sins of everything. somethings are just not worth the pain. simple life with simple thoughts, lack of self hatred opens up every door one could possibly see. its not how you are but how you think about it. be your inner self and this wouytward creature will follow you .  its a clueless way to live but it works .

Eyes

 (picture of Theodore Roosevelt diary after his wife died)

 stiff dripping with neurosis
my mental imagery projected into a physical being
won’t you come with me?
come with me?

lethargy teases my drain as neurosis rack s and splits at my soul, my cognitive being is summed up into one thing. i sitting incorrect human being. i am constantly correcting myself without doing anything wrong, negative things. it is not a good way to raise yourself. i’m feeling more here on earth every second and i don’t know about it. i’m alive and i’ve been alive for so long, but is this lonely thing being lonely just because i’m in nyc alone or does everyone get this lonely?? why can’t i help myself get any better , it just seems like one implosive decision after another alternating between compulsive. i hate the way other people look at me, i feel them looking into me, and there being nothing real there looking back at them. i have nothing to show them. so i get tense in defense mode i don’t know how to hold myself. i carry no ambition just a loose wandering soul influenced by the first left hand turn, and the string of smoke coming out the end of my face. it blows in the wind, not regurgitated enough to stay in my lungs with the rest of the clots of garbage and breast lumps found in there. inhaling the city i breath  this timid air that is sharp and heavy not so sharp as it is heavy, it just pushes on you for so long that it digs in deeper than a thin bald man would because its smashing you from all directions. i feel afraid in my eyes eye can see it, and i become more afraid that if i can see it in my eyes then other people will be able to see right through them,. i haven’t any pride to show i just have a sad deep tear shame block where my heart used to be. and ill eat a whole new york pizza washed down with water and smoke. i’ll never shit it out. it will stay in me as an emotional block , that mindless eating and lack of thought i shoved down my throat just sits there growing and rotting, fermenting itself into the folds of my stomach where the acid has burned holes away. it will leak into my liver and i will never be drunk again, i will see the light of the moment we all are running from on the wave time brings, we cannot resist, to resist. we just go with time an have no choice, but it feels deeper than that, if i/. is there a therapy that will cure human again, i’m getting older and i’m feeling sadder. more sad then i ever remember before. i’ve lost the love for all the things that used to get me through. i guess this didnt work so well, hollow body parts that just don’t hold up to the weight of that ever crushing blade called on my own.  so i sit up hear listening to the city i have plans, but don’t know if ill make them. i am cured for moments but then something throws me off track. everything is okay, there is a school band shouting out my window right now and i remember how it used to feel to give a shit to be around people your age and to try and understand them, befriend them. show them how you learned things. but quickly you learn that no ones listening, and no one really cares, but to show you their things. so there is a war of humans that has been created from lack of nature. we became out of touch with our inner senses, and one with our invisible internet networks.  i know i don't feel my face when i see it in the mirror. it is something to not see, but to be the cause is the worst feeling ever. holding back myself for what reason what does this useless shit accomplish? i figured out the things that make me sad, yet i continue abuse and throw myself down the stairs trying to miscarry this ugly baby inside of me.  but it just grows with each fall and i end up hurting myself. the baby lives on and uses me for padding dragging me back up the stairs for another trip down memory lane, played over and over like a tape, the frequencies start to fade, the oxide scratches away and were left with a dirty tape that wont play even a nightmare anymore. so now you have to remember it for yourself. cause that reminder is no longer there. hollow, just a staring glare nothing behind the eyes if you see six lines you don’t know itching at my body all over i can’t hold still or get comfortable, i’m not fully here, and i’m aware and i wont come down, i just want to live on the ground its the solution to being, my feet wont reach the floor. i remember the good old days at the water park 7 peaks in provo utah we used to go there as a class every year and it was so fun to see all the girls in your class in a bathing suit, more jerk off material than you could handle at that age. i used to love going to vegas to see the women with their topless suntan attitudes, i used to be amazed by the female body, now i’m just amused. technology or self control has taken that away from me, i tease myself with these thoughts that are really out there i can go do whatever i want, but i don;t feel like theres an i in me. i have stepped down the wrong spiral staircase, and ended up in the bookmasters hall, where he has learned to shut up, be alone. and learn to suffer with it all. i’m not an old man why do i treat myself like one constantly? someone should just come talk to me, but i wouldn’t enjoy it i can’t stand the things, the people the potatoes their food and how it affects me. i’m in a dark place now, and its summer. each year i get more sad for a higher percentage of the year. i guess this is aging. my 1st grade teacher never did make that clear. why were we told all the shit that we were? it seems like it just confused me and didn’t help, having someone else teach you about their god. it will hurt the deepest part inside that now don’t even crawl i don’t feel my feet touching the ground i’m in another world, i’m connected here with the negativity of fear that makes me fearless if i just jump would you with me? no because i’m here  and i just jumped and no one caught me i’m at the bottom, the fall nearly killed me but i’m down here now, so i can catch you i can help you adjust. i can give you tips on living, but they aren’t worth a fuck. making things new. but when you have conquer and forget attitude you wont remember anything. and so i don't i just continue on the away.

i am strong enough to hike through a forest with glowing eyes

i can finally relax, as i sit here being loved by a machine, it feels good and is hard on my back rolling up a shiatsu massage the length of my spine in bliss it explodes and pops like fireworks and tingles threw my fingers of my roman face. i guess a polished face or clouded. people i meet tell me that i look eastern european. this is weird. so i got my haircut today from disgust of puffiness. it feels good, all though i do look like i’m about to enlist in the army. i wen tot prospect park yesterday and took magical fungus. i had my roomate brandon lead me on the amazing journey where he was a tour guide to a place we’ve never been. it was amazing. everything was like being a little kid again. being stripped of nature in this culture shock hell i am finally seeing what has been here the whole time. myself, my body all the obvious proof that says i’m alive. i can hit these keys can’t i? i am strong enough to hike through a forest with glowing eyes, and i’m strong enough to walking down the streets of my own neighborhood. this is being a man. i needed to confirm this and get in touch with my inner being. all night i felt myself while i was asleep. it was like being a baby protected and care free.  the house has a better vibe now that the couple that lives on my floor rearranged my room, its like invisible fung shiut shift. and now everything is like it should be. without something to worry you all the time, or a reason to hurry up your feet. this is the sweet life typing and getting a massage. i’m with my 2 man made loves, my visual stimulant and now i have a personal mauseus . i could think it was asian, those women can focus and have extremely strong hands. this place is just like any other. in the forest i saw the light of day and the trees zig zag patterns, leading to what grows from the center. the stuff that ties us all down under our knees.  i met a wonderful tree that cared for me like no one ever has, we shared a moment, from a distance i saw its many faces, but up close it just supported everything i stood for, and it did too. it stood there so old and not dripping from the lethargy of age.  it was content sitting there watching over the purple fields, and the people all playing looking perfect like a park. i nestled in to a man made haven overlooking a mossy lake next to the swan babies and the mother swan.  i relaxed in to this jungle bench that incaved and we watched the wedding people get their pictures taken. an asian bride and groom. the man was all sparkling and i think he was a vampire.  the vines hung over my as i was stored on my natural bench thinking nothing at all. just being. man it was good to get out there. its like a rampant flood of energy let loose, no damn to hold it back, no keeper beating it constantly. all it is is flowing, no holding back. live in what you have now. grasping hold of things is useless. you just gott to keep your head in your self, cause thats ll that matters, i’ve typed this bullshit before i have a huge build up, standing in brandon’s room the other day i got a boner watching he girlfriend clean, i tried to act like it was cool but i think i’m pretty sure he aw that puppy swelling.

it was brave

 i am not sure if quitting smoking is worth it, its day one and i’ve managed to smell the real new york city.  I need to weigh out my feelings on this. i cant decide if its worth it to smell all the good cause it comes with a lot of bad. with smoking i could just not smell anything ever, and be satisfied.  this means fasrts, and all other natural unpleasant smells. but then again these are NATURAL smells which i am a natural person so i think it is best to smell the flowers, even if it comes with all the piss and fishmarkets in new york city. its better to live than to block out how you feel altogehter iand go into a stale NO mode. i went to the brooklyn library today, and it was very simple small branch, had an book by R crumb and some other cool things, i got buster keaton in the General on DVD and a book of zen, psycopathology, music, and an eckhart toley book. they have dvd’s there and you can get up to 10 for 7 days. they had a lot of good stuff. i’m glad i went to the library.  I just browsed the books but didnt even get to the upstairs.  i want to fuck the librarian pretty bad. she was a hot black girl i feel good. i am just a mammal that acan think spurts up and control . and this smoking shit is great, i just puff on my e cig all day and live. I don’t need to impress anyone but myself. i feel great. my mother is an artist and i love everything she makes and does. I had a dream last night, i actually had a dream. it was a wierd dream where i was going around new york city and got in a bad situation that my uncle lindsay warned me about. i was on a train and foudn a big pile of money, and when i picked it up 5 guys surrounded me and they said, why dont you make a bet. and started telling me to bet the money, i didnt want any trouble so i tried to give it to them, but they wouldnt leave. they were actin gEXACtly how my uncle had warned me everyone in new york would be like.  its good this isnt the reality, cause it was damn scarrey, i ended up running from them for my whole dream, picking up a gang of friends and girls to go with me, eventually crashing a car into a wierd hay/twig city building.  everything was so sureal (duh it was adream).  I havent dreamt in a long time.  also i said prayers. mormon prayers to whatever god is listening, but those are the prayers i know how to say, so i used them.  and they comforted me. everything is beggining to show its peak. its not as abad as i thought everything is okay, i got foodstamps yesterday and just need to go back for 1 more thing. back to the dream, i was due to the magic shop and was crashed into this now partying building full of people (the twig building) it was on fire, the people were arriving that were chasing me, and i was on the phone with Kabir at the magic shop telling him i couldnt make it,with some excuse, and then there were girls all around me partying being loud and the angry men chasing me shouting out my name. its as if i’m hiding my true self to the magic shop. i have no idea why i would do that. its the music industry for christ sakes.  i want to build a dream machine. i have been using a computer version, and it has really been a breakthrough.  I am so glad to be alive and i feel like veryhitn is only going to continue getting better for me. i am just a being. i am a part of something ehre, and i saw a cool art pievece today that says “I have no friends, I have new york city” i thought that was kind of cool, because anyone that ever moves here alone totally has that.  its a place where you can always go do something, whatever you want is available.  I extended my stay in utah for another 10 days, i wont get sick of it, i will use it to do yoga and continue on my spiritual path .  i am going to sit in nature and be great. i’m going to walk to the canyon. i’m going to longboard around. i’m going to have a kid summer like i used to have. i’m going to write a song on my speakers, i’m going to fuck robyn, i’m going to fuck makelle, i’m going to fuck every girl i can.  i’m not going to buy any weed or do any drugs, just be me and dono holding my breathe i’m comfortable now i don’t need to hold myself back i’m still the same sweet boy raised good on teh west. in utah that is wehre i’m from. i’m in new york now. and i can do ANY GOD DAMNED THING I WANT!but i’m happy not doing anything sometimes, i like to just be, know my place in teh world, its not all so serious you know? elnlightments its a real thing. and you’ve got to be open to it and breathe. pray and read.  i need to brush up on my grammar.


so i’ve decided i have a problem with alcohol. I have known this it has been eating under my skin for a long time now, and i have kept making excuses or “asaying just one drink. but i’m sick of getting too drunk and high to move. im sick of hurting myself, i’m sick of waking up to a hot dry face and red eyes. i just want to feel how i did when i was a young kid. i can’t believe how much money i wasted. last night i was to buy 1 drink, and i blew 20$ on bullshit that made me feel even shittier then i already do!  its going to be tough quitting, i’m going to have to start doing everything differently, more like just thinking about everytrhing. i can still talk and socialize just not et drunk. i can go to the beach and have fun without going to beer island or another bar. its not a way to relax, relaxing is a way to relax. i don’t feel.

!!! (chk chk chk)

aside from losing my phone at the light rail station last night was a success. i went early and ended up recognizing a guy by the mixing board from school. that got me in free! win win win. met some egit guys and it was just a great night. i danced the entire set and got fucking sexi.

everything is temporary
what does it take to feel safe and independant now days? I am in need of air, water and food. the list goes on, but a cure is better than no cure at all. keep up with yourself and dont turn it down. you must level with it, breathe
learn not to think
that is key, existing but without knowing it. Or completely knowing it without a second guess. less is more when your poor brother is haunting your old street address
i cant hold still, i don't believe in gravity even though it is holding me to earth, i don't believe in myself even though i'm typing this to them. one strand of hair left behind in the records of the police. this is what i need to even out the trees. the conciousness spreads open three unruly doors cocked back like a trigger it sets in the so fall down one copper fleet of stairs, pennies of dreads they come down together dirty and raw. clowning the town folk into thinking of more. time is ending i wonder when it will set. i know how to align the tape to the motion of fate. our life with pitch control. don't unfold the truth unless its about you.

Natural

so i gag and catch it in mid air, before it hits reality, while its still rising up inside of me, inside of us. so i go with the people that move during all hours and learn the way they do things is not the same as i. i learn i need a break i need to take myself outa nd sit on a couch on the side of the road without asking or looking whos there, because we are all on the street, therefore we are the same thing. i have legs attached to feet, which i forget most of the time to see a hole that dives deep into the cut marks our space defines. we walk and stop to talk on the phone or check our text, we will find a skateboard, which is fucking freedom.  we will lose that skateboard by the end of the night, but the feeling in our feet will be how it used to be when we touched those layers of wood we used to push on and on.  now i squat in my own home because i’m so godamned tired of my own chair and the person ive been spiralling into. growing with every layer that sets my legs ablaze in these tight restricted jeans. i experience too much to lay down with words. everyday has been an adventure. i’ve seem a human being prevent death, i also smoked in the other room waiting for it to get out of hand. i had a fist banging on my door trying to warn me of the scattered peo[le that landed in my kitchen but her lips are dry and she is dead. so we are concerned and we put sugar on her gums and hope she wakes up, as the one who knows her so much he will breathe through her dead body like a mask gasping for life, but her lips are too dry to respond or comprehend. so i extended my hand though i was so gone by myself. now i have the constriction that was caused by a number of bad choices stacked on bad glass that will hurt your teeth if you put it up to your mouth to fast. i live too quick with a stick dragging on a fence, in an attempt to understand my past or to finnally get passed this goddamned nostalgia that is reapping all the guilt and no rewards because its no longer me. so i wake to a window that throws light into my eyes as they drip with thoughts that wont keep me going as i drop the schedule and never look at it or clock in again. i am here, but i don’t ever feel comfortable. i recently watched a national geographics special on street, the crazy curly haired hippy was experimenting on baboons. i got drunk with a stretch of white lines that ended in my best friend lying to me as usual, if he didn’t lie to me i don’t think i could handle him at all. but what he says when he’s in that state of mind is purely what i need. so i suck in air tangled in shards of temporary confidence that will last untill it is digested in the stomache of my face. i place these fingers on a flat surface that hurts my hands too much. why in gods fuck do i care about what other people think? how have i had such a good life yet i’ve got so used to being uncomfortable. i tease my dreams like a cartoon chasing a steak.  i’lll wash the dishes after i live hard for 2 days out straight, i found a skateboard then lost it the same day.  i stayed awake and kept fake shocked eyes on my face, because i couldnt feel my mouth so i looked like i felt, which is not how i am.  these letters haven’t been written for quite some time but i’m picking it up again slowly through the rails i drive with my spinning cyclist mind. minutes stack up and weigh heavy on your hour, but you can’t hold it back its too strong its an instant reaction. so you will meet the people that will show you the lows, what you really need to find is a fish that bites and you reel in, not the other way around. when i say you i mean ME justus joseph grant caruso. i’ve forgotten how awesome my entire name is. i’m glad its not going anywhere, thats something i can put some faith in, however names are manmade which is there for insufficient for the universe. which is what i’m struggling about a lot right now, rebelling about everything humans have made is so hard when you are human yourself. but there is something more that we can’t speak unless we dream, then we touch and feel the clothes pile up around my bed, then i finally get to a point where i don’t even care. i spread out on what i wear to work. work. work work. the only place where i can relax and feel ok, but i hate it and can’t wait to get out. can someone get me out. but what would i do if i didn’t have little bags breathe in what i would say? it would suck to blow out that hard that the lines spread into the desert and people are left still to evolve how they should be. the ammount of legs, feet, ties and wild eyes i look away from are building up. i just want to breathe how it feels right. i meet people that seem more lost than me, but my symptoms are completely unique.  my cheeks aren’t used to this kind of stress. where my tongue is always working, my lips are always sliding back n forth on eachother as i taste my thoughts. i redirect my minds malfunction to my mouth to take care of to the most naturaly habbit of drinking milk. which is what i never had. i wonder if i would have turned out differently if i would have sucked a mammal female womans tit while i was a tiny little baby that cried out the groundfloor room window for more and more.  the bottom half of my face shakes as i think about this same thing on the train. will it ever be with me. is life just one big sleeve i will finally push my hand through once i die. i’m sick of the build up, i want to cry. i’m on autopilot mode, i can’t turn it off even though it hurts so bad that my spine is numbed. my cries are hidden inbetween the bottom and top. teething, chewing rubbing the inside of my lower face into a void that never is cured because the energy is free, but i haven’t accepted that. i’m afraid for no reason, i was never taught to stop. it was mentioned a couple times, so when my fingers are slamming the keys of this computer i love but hate the things it make me addcited to. i’m so dissapointed the internet has boilde ddown into this time taker that isn’t afraid of real life. its all man made and therefore completely relevant. thats exaclty what boggles my mind, everything we do or make is man made, which is untrustable for death and the life we dont understand because its not man made. i believe in science because it makes the most logical sense, unfortunately there is a big part of me that makes me so uneasy about that. because i feel something that is on another dimension, not human. so i am a rebel against what i am.  it is a constant battle that i need to resolve before it turns into war. i will twist i will contort my eyes to see what i have been trained to believe. please trust me. all i need is a womans body to lay next to that isn’t half ugly. please let her land on my feet. help me find that little thing with the big doll eyes that look up at me and think of a dream they had too long ago. help me help them to remember the relief they bought when they got the toys they wanted as a kid. they ended up stolen or broken just like everything else.  we don’t think about that part when we are that young we are just taking ocnsuming the fun like osme succulant fuck of a life vaccuum that dreams of being themself.  but in theis day and age who could blame you and who could hurt you more than me? i mean who can hurt me more that me? who can hurt you more than you? senses will degrate over time, just like minutes get faster and the lifeline gets shorter as we experience more and more.  togetheness will bring us hope, but it is only that for one night some excitement that things can change and will be slightly different the next day. i will scrube the dishes that take all of a day to make, but only minutes to clean. its not that big of a deal to me. i want an excuse to feel this way thats why i keep going back to you. my teeth are getting darker from smoking cigarettes, froom pouring coffee into my mouth trying to figure out if i keeps me awake. it usually doesn’t the blast of tabacco and caffeine usally sends me into a tired sleepy state of mind that can only be cured by laying down. just like a long night without breathing, because you don’t know what to think about the people who surround you.

coney island/ bukowski drunk

today is not preparations for tomorrow. we live one time and that is now, we just do what we have been wanting. stop holding back in deep turning resistance forever we must look up and walk straight into the burning fire of life. its a great one and its burning brighter or darker everyday-you chose. we get older and understand less of it. cause its alway eating always feeding on the listless thoughts of expression one needs to keep himself in check before he becomes overflown. one time this is okay, two times this is neglect to help yourself on a daily basis. i’ve forgotten how to care fore myself and dislike everything i once enjoyed sitting on and fucking up. now i like to sit with a group of friends and be the center of attention while my head is shaved and i cop up to what i’m supposed to be. you got to sit back and perk up because when it hits you its going to hit hard, the weight of 6 thousand empty bottles and some with little sips still left. you can spend you time trying to gather up all the sips in one glass and drink them all when you feel comfortable. or you can stumble around picking up bottles and pouring the remains down into your stomach where they will wait, and they will rot. someone once told me that it is ok to be yourself.  its hard to just do, but it really isn’t cause we are always ourselves even if we don’t realize it. one thing i’ve learned is to not be that dick that i don’t like. cause everyone thinks they are better of him and secretly wants to tell him to go fuck himself. girls in another fashion are different. nobody sits across from a woman and piles up a fat list of things they are doing wrong. i don't even necessarily thing they do this to men, i just do and that isn't so nice. because i’m constantly comparing myself to them, when this isnt a competition this is survival. this is a shower in the pits of the dirty weak mind. this is a light house at the long stretch out over coney island, the light wheel that takes people up and they become amused. if i could speak english into what i’m saying you might believe it. but i cant’ so i’ll just sit here stirring my feelings up every night into something different until i come alive, so far this isn't working but what has? i could be a square yuppie sober person in love with himself. or someone real some who cant put down a beer, or his thought and they dangle in front of his head and he walks forward trying to teeth them he wants to feel the steak inside. if we eat antler flesh we become stronger its a hard misunderstood dread that tumbles over our head, then get cut off in a freak accident nothing is safe when its around you just have to hold up the computer and stature down. you can let the thoughts flow from your ind and live in the real constant now, because the people are looking for something to sell. they want to find something that isn't worth it to sell, cause they make a profit if you buy something that is worthless, or doesn't do what it said it was. i found out the hard way. many things give false advertisements about what they do, who they are. i found out today i do not want to be one of those people, i want a hard ass and a soft angry liver, a strong face and a soft somber living experience. i don’t what to be the best at anything that is simply too much work. all i want is to be me, i want to get locked in a ritual that i cant stop, and i feel good about it. bukowski did this, he came to terms that he wanted to drink, and thats what was up, he couldn’t be a political freak and change the world all he could do was be him and live and feel no one ever told him that it would be hard, he knew this from day one and wasn’t scarred. he just knew his place and kept up doing what made him feel good. and he lived a life because of this, it may have involved the racetrack, and nasty women, but this was his life. whiskey shots and hot lard. a conscious person would probably think they were better. not me though. i feel like something is in the air. i’ve been waiting for the apocalypse of my old self. a beautiful redhead led by my favorite man in the worlds is going through some sort of medical program, i think its really good for her, she doesn’t do anything but live in this house, it must get exhausting after a while, day after day putting up with these kids, doing dishes and opening bottles of wine for them, sure its a great night and the air is thin. but my head is thick , i’m sick and need a place to let loose. i liked having my head shaved on the air. the loss of my hair on the air for everyone to here fall and hit the ground thats it.  i have one new goal in my life, to win robyn back, to be the man i set out to be. to be the man i really am inside. and i love her, i know she loves me. no other can give her the strange displeasure she loves to crave like me. like me and her on the beach of coney island sitting on the rocks talking about something with god, and smoking weed. she only eats weed though, this one is classy. baked goods are great and will last a lot longer, be stronger highs in the end and something forged will never become sadness lifted from your eye lids you can now walk taller. you are in love buddy boy. that time you were waiting for has finally come. when you are done being young and you want to settle down with a young little love. a beautiful rose who will make things better. she can do it she can make things better. if it all works out and i have my way, she’ll live in my room and wont have good days, cause i think thats what i am, what i want. i will be sad until i get here near, then i’ll get sadder and just hate being with her i guess i just wan tot affect the life of some beautiful girls and not understate the letters and word. fucking ridiculous rambling no that i can’t say out loud. i wonder who else doesn’t this when they’re alone. some people like to show what they can do, i however hate the beating eyes on my, you can feel their different pulse and how it beats different then yours. you lose all of yourself. i love you robyn bird. come back fly back don’t be afraid i wont hurt you down don’t underestimate my faith in you in us. i promise ill be everything you want just tell me and ill kill him if thats what you want. but i doubt that another dead boyfriend is what you need, and i bet just you reading this will bring you to tears. well this is what i am, not bland but free.


well i’m nearing the end of my 21st year. things have been wild, moving around a little, finishing school in arizona. now i’m in the big apple and everyday is crazy. aside from my lonely craze, i’ve been doing a lot of self change, or more trying to find out what were here for. also the quantity versus quality of a city with a million broken people, compared to a smaller town with healthier more confidents people of quality. is that what all the crazies do? pick up and move to nyc to be someone they arent? i’m getting adjusted and my anxiety is starting to suffice, i am being more like myself and not caring. i need to just find joy in existing and survival. because all that stress is comforting sometimes, but it is negative and pushing in on myself. but its okay now, sitting here at the magic shop listening to a British girl singing.  i have almost finished :women by Bukowski. i love it. i can’t put it down. i can’t remember an author since brett eaton ellis that entangled me so much in his words. and the good part is Bukowski has a lot of good stuff to read.  he’s not the best idol to have but i think he is helping me, and thats all that matters.  the other day i couldn’t feel right sitting around all lonely, so i bought a bottle of cutty sark and went to coney island.  it was nice, i just walked around smoking cigarettes and taking a good pull from the bottle in my backpack every so often.  i sat with the negroes that drummed and smoked blunts. the fisherman with a crazy pony tail made of frizz and bush. one caught me up on the dock pulling desperately from my cigarette, and he just smiled and threw his fishing pole like a viking, a long deep cast that soared through the air, and small dive into the rippling water. i sat and watched the people pay 5$ for a photograph with a parrot,and a very large iguana on a leash. the iguana made me sad, i could see it trying to keep going past its given space on teh leach, i had an urge to set it free. the man wore a button up thin nylon shirt with the american flag and a bald eagle. he was trying to take a picture of his badly behaved giant bird, and kept stopping to yell at people that were taking pictures with their phones, that its a 5$ donation. i don't get how the mandatory donation thing works, but it sums contradictory to the max.  tonight i’m going to go over to gabes after i get out of here and were going to record a band called strange shapes.

cattle

a surge builds up in my body and causes me to act without wanting to. i move how i shouldn’t and i feel like i’m tired of holding myself up ALL THE TIME. i would list off the things that brought me here. but my friend i tell you to understand me heaven. i’ve taught my younger cousin in the patterns i learned. i kept off the rock and battled thirst
learning from your mistakes can be hard, you can believe one word you say, then your mind will constantly unconsciously move on to the next. no hesitation involved, just like browsing the internet. only a true dislike for the way everything is. for the things i’ve created for myself. i want to come clean with you i want you to know that something is in my mind that needs to come out that won’t really be a free understanding to the rest of the world. the people i see on the streets can’t believe me i feel them astthey walk past me i’m afraid in survival ghost evil zone. i’m adjusting , i’m corrupting, i need to stay here for a long time.
i disk