Thursday, June 28, 2012

I have no idea why I feel so afraid now that I'm.finally in the same house as nadines parents. I'm usually good with parents but for some reason I am really nervous because I think it's serious and its something that could probably make or break the relationship. Jesus I want it so bad bit now that I'm here o feel afraid I just need to remember it will all be over soon then it will be out of the way. I have no idea w
hy I feel like an intruder but I do. My eyes are focused weird. I wonder how many non Jew people have felt this pressure and I feel so fine there is a nutty storm.outside thst pushed me into.this scenario, like a child that can't swim once he's.been flu.ng into the water by someone he trusts he has no choice but to swim and swim fast. I wish I was at a swimming pool right now.we.could have.more fun this intimate shut is crazy. I just should have wentiit to galleries,e

greenranger

 the one before this was much more my taste but this one moves.  So i'll show it to you.


Monday, June 25, 2012

taco bell


jaws


Sunday, June 24, 2012

now that i have this


nothing else matters or drips from a  sweaty rain sewn poncho tripping over crooked sidewalks, microphone in ear.  peaking up from under the hood to ensure the person that found you under pounds of weight that you are ok that you will be okay.  everything happens for a  reason and leetin us flow loos flipping esashaells on the beach to hold our teeth in our mouth and feel steressed out is a fucking blessing you ccan love the money but its gonna run out. i ran out of a flat gasping belly into the next cloud world 3 dash 4 one walking and moving as it happens, not before predicting or resting your tenses on someone else ina  love game hope that someone you beat this game with will love you. but it never happens you end up draggint you're feet at the sight of your love. you feel





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why do you do ?



whywhwyhwy

do you do?


http://soundcloud.com/ian-johnson/jamie-xx-essential-mix-8-27
i cheated
my self








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Saturday, June 16, 2012

khole

i don't know what happened when i lost control last night it was a great day and i didn't have to do that. i was basically talked into being selfish from spaceghost purrp it was such a dumb idea. i had 1 ambien and decided it would be a good idea when i ran into roberto to buy some kedamine and nosrt the hole thing in my room while my mom was right upstairs, how disrespectful and stupid i think she found me when i was sad and sitting up passed out this morning but i have no idea what the hell happened and now it is really akward in here. i am not sure how i will handle this.  i hope she isn't going to hate me so much.  fucking seriously.  i need to get on some anti depressants.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

godamn



man i feel good this french piece of shit cafe i have no idea how it hasn't gone under yet, the french douchebag with a pony tail sucking dick listening to the worste music ever, and you can't sit with a coffee, they have a 4 dollar minimum which is fucking stupid i came here to have a breathe alone which i am getting...but at a price of 2 extra dollars i didn't want his stupid fucking crossants that i've had before and they taste dry and shitty. the coffe even sucks here the only reason i am here is because i have no where else to go and my room is occupied by my girlfriend and mother. i had a really great day yesterday i haven't bought anything for myself in a long time and my mom took me shopping and bought me whatever i wanted, i also ended up buying 2 new records velvet underground self titled and a new order record that the store dude recommended.  i hope i don't get bed bugs from sitting in this shit hole.  i think i want to buy a nintendo ds today but i can't tell if i want a television and a real game console instead.  i had an amazing night last night my mom and i went to williamsburg to shop and see the water, we ended up at the punk rock n roll bar the charleston we had a few drinks and talked about life eating a pizza and then went back to the water, she watched my back while i pissed in public it was cool.  she is an awesome lady and i wish she would just move here already. i woke up earlier than her and my girlfriend today. probably from the post drunk sugar rush that floods my head around this time nearly every morning. i drank well whisky last night and turned into a dick by the end. whats new with that?  i guess i called my girlfriend dumb, which i definetly do not believe.  she has a new job and is doing awesome im so happy she's finally at a job she likes.  i didn't want to talk to some fucking scuzzy local asshole last night about his security jobs and his strenghts, i hate people that fish for attention. one simple reason why i won't give those peopel the attention they crave and set you up for is because i'm not like them, i don't do that so i wont support or help out someone that does. its a dumb thing but i guess kind of stubborn. but really man you could have left us in our dead conversation where i say nothing but how i feel in the moment. i'm decked out in new threads looking beautiful and i'm sick of dumb fucking idiots all the time. maybe i'm the dumb one afterall now that i have a phone and grind my teeth. they don't want loner lurkers here i guess stupid fucking ponytail, atleast get a bun you fucking losery. i can't believe the business you get. why am i so angry i had a great day yesterday and don't feel half bad other than i am hung over as a busy slut. i had 3 circular brusises stacked on my lower back right over my spine yesterday, today it has turned into 4, i hope it isn't cancer. but knowing the way i treat myself thats really all it could be.  i'd finally have a reason to be afraid if that is true.  but i don't think it is i think i have a pinched nerve or some shit.  sometimes i can't sit still. most the time i can't sit still and don't know what to do with my hands but bring them to my mouth, like a liar.  no when i glance up the caffeine tackles the hangover and puts words in little blocks not called paragraphs. i'll never be satisfied. i want to become a chiropractor/acupuncture massage therapist or whatever. i want to heal people i don't want to drift from bar to bar anymore looking down thinking about how i have failed at my first choice. but i haven't failed at all i'm a great engineer that can solve any problem i'm faced with, i DO NOT want to have a career that is based on making shitty artists appear better than they are. i'm pretty fucking certain i hate most artists especially the ones that try to hard. i guess its cause i can relate to them and see all their fallacy too well. god fuck i have no idea when i'll finally be happy. i like hanging out with my mom a lot but i just don't want her to get that goofy weird  clingy love.  sometimes i act like that with nadine and hate it i see her in myself and i love her very much but for some reason it irks me so bad. losery is my new favorite word i judege all these people becuase i feel that way about myself obviously. i don't know how i love my girlfriend but somehow still always feel like i'm pretending when i'm around her. i love her for sure, i only want to stop hiding that from her.this place is playing the worste music i've ever heard. fucking joke i tell you. i have been getting a strange buzzing in my brain for a while now when i finally feel alive or stimulated its retarded. i love good coffee it makes you shit. 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

roof

i'm gonna jump off this roof party
i'll land on my crutches
theyll break like my legs would have.

shelfish


selfish destructive
google cant answer my problems this time
i have to look inside
i don't want to know whats inside when i can't handle whats going on outside
in the moment going against the grain feels so right
theseveryone is in on this joke(mylife)
what the fuck is wrong with me
i think god is the same as being on the truman show.

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