Thursday, July 27, 2017

Justus CARUSO NEW MUSIC 2017

https://www.facebook.com/justuscarusosounds/
https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso

https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso/summerain-contact-for-price
1 HOUR LIVE PERFORMANCE WITH KAOSS PAD 3 and NOVATION CIRCUIT
https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso/summerain-contact-for-price


https://soundcloud.com/digitalinfiniti

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

homeless shelter


in the nook of mountains forged a small warm community that devoted the subtle movements strung toghterher into modest lives of mormon pioneer people.  the city grew and has always been economically sound.  there was a place where most rejects went even somewhere that was out of bounds for police to trespass.  the homeless shelter became the hub of money and drugs in the whole state.  imagine the hallway of a brooklyn projects multiplied by oakland corner drug dealers and all the crack dens poorer into one melting pot of sinister existence.  kids aged 10 - 35 with their pulled up face masks, occasional wool blanket and hungry look in their eyes.  the mexicans dominated the west end crosswalk corner where anyone walking across was pummeled with hispanic shouting you could only understand is, i have drugs if you need gringo.  I never spoke spanish but always planned on it.  during a desperate impulse a young man named cramer finally decided to see what this “shelter” was all about.  he had heard stories from aquantences in rehab.  he asked advice from one of these friends and they said to go to the porter potties in the back of the shelter.  this is where cramer encountered the spanish attack as he squoze his muscles upward and walked directly to the line of orange plastic outdoor bathrooms.  on the way he made eye contact with an old black crack head, he said “i’m looking for tina”  the crackhead tried to get him to round the corner and cramer just kept walking to the heart of what looked like the junkie land.  everyone moving back and forth so quickly saying ‘what you need, black, white, needles”  cramer was ddrunk on his friends leftover vodka that was the only way he could handle going to such a place alone.  it was like a dope heads dream, the slum of slums all dumped by the mall that was built years ago for the olympic games.  he decided something he learned in jail, and that was to stick to his own race.  he liked black people so it was easy for him to almost be lead away by them but decided it was best to stick with his own race. he found a guy who helped him buy a stringe from a black guy standing in front of the porter potty, step one get a syringe and step two get meth to shoot for his first time, he usually smoked the pickle jar frankenstein soul deafening substance.  but this time he was adventurous before going to the shelter he had sold his original pressing of the beatles white album to a failing head shop record store for $20  so he was ready to get something for it.  he used to love crack, then things changed.  the guys said they can’t get meth , just crack.  when he heard this his heart skipped a couple beats and eventually was able to reply “i like crack, i want to ttry before i buy so i don’t get burned”  the friends friend telephone line of people confirmed this was ok, and the first guy he had spoken to pulled out his pipe and handed it to cramer.  cramer had forgotten the delicate teqnique that burnt minds had learned after hundreds of wasted dollars and throbbing hot fingers.  he put the white smudge on and tried to melt it into the brillo pad.  this was a failed as he dropped the bowl and they loaded another.  he then had a shitty out door hint taste of vaporized cocaine and was urged to pay the money which he fumbled out and handed over.  the dealer handed him a purple pill bottle with two flat white “rocks”.  he went to open one and asked to use the new “friends” pipe he spilled more and loaded a hit, hit it, loaded a young hispanic boy in his 20’s a hit and he would trade his pipe to him.  chris was the other guy a sweet talking 35 year old from gainsville florida.  he was annoyed with the insane scene of hooded outcasts, pacing behind him, pulling liquid into syringes in clear daylight.  he had decided to ask if chris wanted to cruise and he would share his pipe for share of drugs.  they crossed past the bubbling low life dead beat hollywood to the mall where he had parked his car.  the chris guy proved himself on many occasions and helped me find my car.  so we were off looking for :a chill spot to smoke” we took hits all over the city only staying for a little while at each one, he enjoyed the inhale and then was back to the feeling of need with every exhale.  he had forgotten the stupid blind hungry that followed with submitting to the billow and pipe.  chris had lit the pipe for him so he wouldn’t fuck it up and char it, which in his finding state of mind would shave happened so fast.  he smoked all of it saving none.  and was left with an irritated man smoking black tar heroin.  he dropped him off after exchanging life stories told in fast forward and exchanging numbers.  he drove to a big lots shopping center where he relieved his bladder not he way out he hadn’t touched anything but the shoplifting sensors flared as he ignored and walked past a tied up pit bull screaming at him for blood.   he called and texted all contacts he knew directly in the city and eventually convinced a childhood friend he needed gas money to get home.  she didn’t give him cash, he picked her up and she filled his tank and he was able to talk 15 green faces out of her and drop her back at work, he called chris who was definitely left on an annoyed note and chris was very happy to hear from him and he parked and met up with the florida 35 year old.  he said lets get singles for all 15 so when i hand it to alex it will feel like more money, he never looked at the money.  i trusted this junkie with a little money and we went to the front of the shelter in search of ALEX , he saw alex and so did everyone else, he told me “alex is the shit he comes out once a day and has the best dope, we can get 2 white 2 black for this he won’t count the money”  we were the first to reach alex when my personal bubble was infiltrated by 20 hungry wolves and i and lost chris in the mix.  i was standing there trying to act like i was keeping watch, and was coming to terms with how chris ripped me off when thank god the florida failed salesman had called my cell phone.  thats how i knew this was a good crackhead junkie if anything, even if he lied about his current situation he was excited about alexs goodies and we went to my car where we drove and smoked and i enjoyed this a little emote because i was prepared to instantly say goodbye to the good feeling, and he said smoking heroin after would chill the finding which it did.  we popped around and i had 1 memorable crack hit and the heroin was cool.  chris listened to cramer read a short story he had written with no purpose other that to share his twisted mind.  chris told cramer how weird he looked at the shelter wrongly hitting the crack pipe.  cramer had managed to offend and confuse very homeless lost humans.  that was something that made cramer proud, he also was very happy to have chris excited about this writing as he read his short story to him and they passed a sheet of tinfoil between each other that looked like it was made out of a burger kind sandwich wrapper.  he shared more about his life and then cramer tried to muster up another $20  he got from a girl younger than him from georgia he usually used for sex, this time he got $20 out of her after a long frustrating wait while she got back from starbucks.  luckily cramer got chris back to the sheltingshelter in time for curfew so his bed wouldn’t be lost.  before he left we spent the $20 and he let me smoke all the crack to myself while he held the flame…that was nice of him he thought.  then he drove with his head down nodding and fiending back to his more local scene.  he has been obsessed with the entire existence of the shelter that must have millions flooding through it in drugs and single bills each week.  he never got a chance to use his syringe and even though had met a verbally absusive career drug addict felt kind of gypped, of course everything he spent he shared and he didn’t see how much chris put in his pocket for himself later, but his goal was accomplished and he even met a famous person, a comoditee named alex that was to be treasured and cherished on a silent lonely plane.  this place fucking exists .

Monday, March 16, 2015

DOWNLOAD my music FREE -Justus Caruso (painforest666) NEW ALBUM!!! NEW MUSIC 2015

DOWNLOAD ALL RECENT RELEASES FREE HERE
https://www.mediafire.com/folder/5nhwcai27f9l4/Music

NEW MUSIC VIDEO
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fM8pLFVGmCo&feature=youtu.be


NEW ALBUM
https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso/sets/kissing-others-2015-new-album-hellgenereation

Thursday, January 22, 2015

TROOTH


i recently agreed with a  homeless man about the governments ability to read our minds and effect it with certain frequencies.  I’m not sure how, but its most likely true.  if stem cell research exists god knows how many people have obsessed and devoted their entire life to tapping into the human metaphysical map.  the string of thoughts that statistically lead to every action.  think slow and be slow, be accessed slow.  think fast and be a stream of commands typed into the new machine of human decline.  if we are in charge, how come we are desensitized to the true poverty? they would appreciate and take advantage of any learning or connection. is this because they are so low on the totem pole that they are not a part of the tree of human being.  i just don’t know if they can see through my eyes, after every dynamic opposing hunch or thought. my mind disagrees instantly claiming the societal belief of mental illness.  i’m just delusion ally paranoid.  they’d rather focus the energy of my thoughts on hurting myself or nodding to authority than me thinking outside the box and freeing my own beating humanity. this computer exists and is sold through them.  they are using my hands.  a knock on my door, they are here. to shut this up.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

self help (short story)

SELF-HELP a memoir of the secret thoughts of Lester H. DaMolestre.

PREFACE
Lester says to his girlfriend ":why do i want to continue the cycle of being down and why do i ask myself why other people put up with me before i bother to ask ME why i put up with ME.  I truly want to stop living the way i have been hiding all this bs."

and so our story starts….deep seated at the base of a confused human psychi,

the town i was born in an chose to stay in has always crawling with cowboy boots and nascar hats.  its basically like creating something and then telling it straight up, "you will never have what  makes you reel whole-this my son is not possible.  Instead we are born into this world and no one has the courtesy of telling us that its all fucked and everyone has holes they fill with smoke, dicks, and food but no one is happy feeling the cave between the front and back of them.  their core.  I assume core strengthening exists to give a little bit of an illusion you can thicken the sides out until they touch, filling the  void inside.  this doesn't work.  core exercises are a way of selling housewives the regurgitated yoga ball video they never watched in 1982.  now they can straighten their spine and reach up , which is another ridiculous misconception about self.  a straight back is a sign of some sort of unnatural locked muscle spasm.  we were never in tended to have out chest out and back straight.  this misconception will present itself in multiple ways in a  young adults life, working at a burger place "working on" himself, his posture, his level of being that is relaxed.  he will watch the hunk ladies man in the group of 30 or so mixed ethnicity young people.  He will notice how striving to fix himself all day really hurts by lunch break, and he has to smoke twice as many cigarettes to talk himself into keeping up the good work.   the hunk will remain relaxed and slack while flipping burgers, he works a double without a lunch and his face and body show no signs of pain.  while the young gullible bastard that read somewhere to pull upward and put shoulders down and back is contorting and twisting to the sky trying to fake confidence and enjoying life.  this is sad.  this boy will attempt  to improve and correct himself for the next 8 years because its what he read probably in a magazine, inside a dream after too much coffee after a day of wondering why life hurts so much and physically can't relate to others.  he will acquire a great friend, someone who is fatherless too.  they will share a pipe on weeknights and weekends, share stories and feelings.  this friend would be slouched, sometimes even rolling asleep staring at his solar bone.  the boy liked how his friend looked and was considered of a similar build.  he just couldn't understand how people could relax enough to fall asleep in public,  or at friends.  he never trusted someone enough to let his guard down and be seen not trying hard with no results to improve his life  like some sort of martyr.  His friend sat their in his chair asleep while the boy carefully removed the pipe from his finger and thumb and loaded what remained of the strangely black high grade marijuanna on his friends desk.  he took the bowl to the bathroom and stood staring at himself blank in the mirror.  his inner voice had a hint of sarcasm and cruelty saying "you will never be good enough, you've been working on your posture for 8 years," in those 8 years the only people he met that worked on their posture were idiots, whores, and fools.  never making the connection between himself trying for something that was flat out wrong, and his old body the way he used to feel as a child completely care free of eyes, or vertical alignment.  what was he missing that after all these years? why wasn't him correcting himself working?  a normal person a kind friend might suggest he was never broken, he burned the block in the pipe and thought "i'm broken beyond repair" as he disappeared behind the thick exhale of what tasted like a strange incense he had an unexplainable vision.   he did not exist, there was no him to fix, he simply was a movement in a fisheyes lens at the end of a hallway of mirrors. he felt no judgement as he watched this being morph into all other forms you could imagine, either slinking or exploding right when you thought it would settle.  there was no he to be fixing, he was the same as everything else which is carefully broken in this world.


memories
the boy had been awoken to a banging on the bathroom, he must have fallen asleep staring at himself in the mirror.  he linked eyes with himself before he turned to open the door.  it was not a critical hateful glare that gazed back but a soft innocent vulnerability you would recognize from a horse or a dog.  the door banged and he unlocked the handle and swung it open, it was his friends roommate, he was  invasive and rude as usual, but the boy did not flinch like he normally was used to automatically agreeing with the lack of acceptance from the outside world.  he knew he was just as wrong as they thought and he was ashamed and sorry for it, apologizing at the floor while trying to have a straight back.  no, this time the boy just walked through the accuser.  he stepped through his body which had no change in temperature, then his vision exploded as he walked all the way through the other human being.  the human froze still in mid fist shaking at the bathroom door, he was facing the mirror deeper on, he toke note of this for some reason.  The boy turned early into the white hallway wall and proceeded through its thin layer into the other roommate, her name was shannon he always remembered because of the size of her tits.  she was getting humped like a tortoise from behind by her greasy boyfriend from south of france.  the boy stood behind the flapping asses and took a step forward, his shoulders slumped and cool relaxation. the humans fucking had froze just like he for some strange reason knew they would.  he stayed inside the  girl for a while and look ed at a mud die strange hole that had an almost hose like sys tem from her lower chest to the holes in her mouth, ass and cunt.  the veins that lead to it were  frozen in a guzzling beating motion that looked like they were delivering needed food to the muddy dark hole.  it was strange to see something so jelly fish like inside a human.  what had he smoked, or what had smoked him in the bathroom he thought was just pot?  he carried on with a disgustsd look on his face, for having such huge tits, he was disappointed at how ugly and needy the endless pit inside of shannon was.  he did some more exploring walking through the 3rd story of the entire apartment complex built out of old brownstones in bedford stuyvesant brooklyn new york.  he was amazed as he could travel with this super like power, never stretching in an akward unnatural direction, just flowing on with his childlike curiosity never guessing twice at what he felt and was shown.  the hasedic jews 2 stairways down were in the middle of changing their first borns first diaper, the child revealed a hole like shannons that took up the entirety of the babes body, the parents hands were like fat snakes swallowing a tiny mammal leading from the translucent oversized hole disguised as a newborn.  the parents chubby caterpillar tubes lead to a unique deep suction looking hole in her chest, and his lower stomach around the bellybutton where his pants were belted around much to tight.  i stared for a while and decided i don't need to know what that is.  the child freaked me out, it was like a black hole or inversion of life, taking bricks of it off the parents and laying rows of walls in himself, stealing the already half dead married couples life-force what was sure to be every minute.  the newborns eyes looked like a predator not that of a horse of friend of man.  his sinister lack of grin and eyes was all made up for in a strange sense that it was not aware of others.  only of itself.  I scurried down to the street , everything was going on at normal speed, but so colorful, and when i made physical contact with whatever it was stopped and froze and slowly darkened like blinds being pulled revealing the innards and what was happening on a purely spiritual or metaphysical plane.  i could see summaries of what makes these people breathe, and most of it was the same as shannons a big fat hole wired to some important part of them if not multiple.

I went to broadway and headed towards my street, I was in deep understanding of what i'd been watching, not thought or judgement just a silent approval. i walkd like a stray dog that was just fed, strutting the neighborhood looking for whatever would pull its attention.  everything pulled my attention it had been 3 sun up and 5 sun downs somehow since i had left the mirror at my friends.   i was examining everything like the first bikini poster i saw as a very young boy, getting close so i can smell the magazine and not knowing what i should do with the parts of myself that reacted.  although i wanted more, i was carefree.  i was absorbing the truth about life, and i promised without promising i would never forget what lies beneath the surface.  i would always remember the alien starvation that comes from a biased intelligence on an overgrowded lump of matter.  we were all protruding and intruding at the same borders, like we were instantly killing every breath we had, like we were putting a knot at the end of our capabilities to keep us grounded to our great spirit earth.  it didn't feel all as one however like my vision that lead me to this what i now know as extreme temporary enlightenment.  its funny the black weed i smoked was salvia soaked in fremaldyde (PCP)  so I had initially experienced ego loss and then relaxed my spine which had been clenched ffor almost a decade.  the relaxation released a rare hormonal change that has never been felt before.  its like holding down a jack in the box, and with every year the steel strengthens then when its released it breaks through the box containing itself and stretches towards the sky.  i had floated learning about our truth for about 40 days and i assume the same number of nights.  I didfnt stop for anything, everything stopped for me, the unleashed inner supercharged ultra innocence i had been squeezing since my first self help book.  the opposite, do yourself a favor and never try and fix yourself, you'll just end up fucking yourself up so bad nothing can reverse the damage.  even quadruple that amount of self love and praise.

I am taken back to my critical self when for some reason the brick wall of the corner store doesn't let me defile it by mocking its solicity.  I smack my knee first and in less than a second my head with a hard thick slap.  the sound reminds me of how everyone in the 9th grade got to gather after school to watch an interracial "pawg" video at my friend cases house.  all the kids smoked weed exclusively off of tinfoil , much like one would chase a melting chunk of black tar heroin…this never worked with the low grade tobacco based" pot" we were dealt with back then and one kid must have caught his older brother smoking sheets of cocain or heroin, then that same kid sought out marijuanna because thats what his brother had told him he was doing, he then convinced himself he was getting ass over dick baked via this faulty method and showed his friend, who had the same strong hypocondriact tendencies and believed he was high. when in reality the 9th grad was just toasting marijuanna buds like bread, it would make them smell moderately but never smoke…its strange how people claimed they smoked such a big hit the night before they actually blew out smoke.  invicles.  confused boners with misdirected interests.  we were at myles on the sofa watching this blonde "phat ass white girl" "taking huge loads from BBC:  I thought it was british but later learned it meant BIG BLACK COCK.  the feeling reminded me of watching that video the smack of her thick thighs being pounded poolside by some thug her husband owed money to.  this made the exact same sound of my tripped out freak experience coming to a quick end as mother natures big black wall didn't budge as i paraded without hesitation into it.. it was strange how fucked i felt, ts like my spine cocked back when i hit and snapped forward like a slingshot when i flattened out in the middle of the sidewalk.  habits from correcting my posture made me pull up when i had a hunch i was punching myself with a wall, this dislocated my head until i landed and my head crawled slowly back to my neck like a ski dish baby crab.  after the flash of fat pussy and thighs getting pile driven i thought about crabs, my girlfriend told my friend that she got crabs from my other semi friend -rival character.  I heard through the grape vine what i wanted to keepswept under the denial rug created by such a gorgeous girl dating a guy like me.  all sorts fof things hid under there, like i wear the pants in the relationship, and 'she can't find someone as good as me' or even i'll weigh more than she does zoon to the blatant lies labeled truth under the rug- like 'i'm gonna be a good dad' and  she  is just a social drinker and 100% devoted to my mentally slippery, addiction ridden genetic makeup.  i know you didn't mean to twist such a god awful bad apple out of your week ring yang shaped body exploration.  but thanks I bet at that keg you didn't ask him who each others parents were, then weigh the pros and cons of the combination.   an abomination, i'm surprised my conscious voice hasn't started overlapping with my physical voice. theres a long history of that.  my crabs start itching as i'm laying there thinking about my first visual exploitation of a woman's holes, what i'd just experienced on my salvia endured PCP disassociation from the human race, and then i felt my head and knee as i was stuck on the confirmed taboo truth i was almost afraid to remember.  but i remember that i didn't want to forget exactly what it was like, that being said, thats all i could remember.  i forgot all pure truth and whatever my beautiful sacred mammal eyes gazed upon, i remember it as "I'm wrong and everyone is shit, babies are extra huge pieces of shit" with every word though in that sentence another was hammered to my inner skull on the soft shame reserved real estate i formally kept guilt.  but this was shame like reading a sing a long song " babies are extra huge pieces of shit" this tiny green version of key hoved watching the words highlight from left to right in that yellow fuzzy outline that went to the beat of magic school bus, or mother goose videos.  that green fairy also hammered them with a giant pickaxe backend in reverse almost like it knew what i had said but working on the last letter of the first word.  he was a bastard, he burned that in as HERE LIES A BASTARD  ….  it made me pay for what i couldn't help, all my life i've made myself pay, others never cared how much i've strived for absolute harmony and perfection.  i was so hard because i maintained a nice living room, sure there was hair growths behind the picture frames, lizard skin at the chandelier base, and even finaly ground and scented denial swept under the rug.  to myself i could think ok this is good i'm doing good, while ignoring all my instinct just to appear like what i thought i should be….i should have never started thinking i should be anything other than what I was.  that godamned power of now book, that calm talking third eyed half indian half godly eckahrt toley and his power of fallse blasphemous lies was labeled as undetectable good thoughts.  and somehow became more believed than the truth , because it sounds good.  an addict doesn't have a vision and stop being an addict like his story told, an addict has a vision then wakes up in the ER from an overdose or hears a familiar sound and is brought to the top of the psychedelic formula and skis down to the bottom only to be brought up again until  the drug whears off.. but this mother fucker actually hear a bird, and then quit his job and became some sort of neo folky sidartha monk figure douching around parks looking totally intense pissing off the park bench while sitting normally.   he calls this pure being.  now the bastards rich….and even christian households own at least a burnt cd audio book of his manipulative bank account targeting the easiest of the easiest, the part of the flock that doesn't believe in themselves.  its sad that self help is a genre, inventory even.  and this story is aimed at all you pre pubescent teeny boppers thinking all deep listening to that generations version of the cure, you are just going through puberty, and when you're finished going through it , it will feel exactly like going through it and just know that its you and you're ok and your poster is going to suck because its the computer age, and your family is going to be dysfunctional because they speak english in america and your body will try and reveal the simple obvious signs to you by  disobeying and fighting back, tricking you into making you think your wrong, when your bodies just saying its right to be wrong.   two negatives equal a wrong, three positives equal fabricated wants sheared by your forefathers across every generation getting more misjudged and inverted, slit opened tithed up and screwed sideways that anal sex will be weird…just wait anal sex will soon be the smarter sex, and why you think that is because of pornography. you used to believe the asshole was gross to see in the same shot as dick going in vagina, now its clearly the better hole because it magically feels better than the other, you won't be fooled by this illusion long.  the asshole is inferior to pussy and mouth in texture and lubrication, but where it gets its winning points is it is painful.  not just some discomfort like oral sodomy, it is a forced tearful instantly regretted  sin done by only the truest of lovers.  only to be agreed to upon drunken deal bet sex, or quit smoking cigarettes for a designated period.  these normal things may be rewarded with smelly brown leaking  butt sodomy if your partner really loves you that is.  also girls who ACTUALLY read more bukowski that you have even though when you met them they had lied about reading him, now surpass you in manliness and are more badass and comfortable with aged morally deficient drunkard ideas and themselves than you'll ever be.  you will also learn that you usually quite like something you could have sworn to black jesus you hated, this is just a phase that you will eventually love or hate again, opinions are like shit…they change with what you eat.  and my final advice to whoever will get a scrambled translation of my shame brain bulletin board as i lay on a shitty sidewalk bleeding out with a fat black woman holding my head doubling the current of blood gushing from my right ear, cutting my final 5 minutes into 2.5 i think i wanted to tell you to  agree with yourself. it will generally hurt to be alive, you are a mutant struggling combination of things that should go together , so don't think your less than others because others will always keep this secret tightly locked on top of their denial rugs, they will never cut themselves open and ask others questions they know no one can know the answer to. they don't do this because they aren't nearly as gifted with the presence of self some more or less evolved differently other people can be.  live life lovingly, trust what is there , help others be favored in general comfort, if you like someone look at why you like them, and though you are most likely very different still take into account what attributes  are stacked under the attraction you have for the  kindred spirit.  do you have similar flaws?  they fill your whole and you theirs, and all holes are lacking no matter what the size each one is missing more than it can handle living without.

Lester H. DaMolestre' was rushed to the hospital where he died in the ambulance on the way, the EMT knew him from high school and held a murderous grudge.

and remember Lester in his sac relig makeshift grave stuffed with VHS videos and alive with crabs that spawned herpes swords on the back-
don't help yourself !!!!


https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso/sets/self-help

Thursday, October 23, 2014

rip joey caruso

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1f6NMeZT8o3RFlma0JrOHpyMGs/view?usp=sharing

rip joey caruso just



another october


i have been feeling afraid.  I had no idea this was fear until recently.  it masked itself in the most bizarre ways.  I am afraid to try anything.  I am scarred to get to know anyone because they will eventually die…possibly before me.  I'm scared to death of death.  I always pretended like I didn't care I had no god.  because I was stuck.  I have a fear of jobs, why is it another fantasy world i've created of hell.  I find old things I owned.  i'm afraid of being paid for my passion. i'm afraid of feeling what i am.  

https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso/another-october

Friday, September 26, 2014

droplets


health droplets picked up along the way by injecting canisters of liquid to the guts.  I had a umbilical cord modification to feed without my mouth.  open, insert twist.  sometimes the connection isn't tight and it spurts hot bile on my hands which burns and smells for days after.  i lace up my sticky sap covered boots to pile my shit up the mountain hoping to get to the other side.  the way up is still slippery from the dirty snow.  its not how i used to know it.  glazed in feeces and colored blood red in some spots with an led glow to it.  my consciousness is skipping. i watch these bones wrapped in skin with the strangest part the face which creates some sort of translation of what the body feels.  my eyes are dead.  no literally my right eye has dryed up and makes a crunch as the crust flakes off like dandruff every time i look a direction.  my left eye sees but its blurry and things vibrate or my eye vibrates.  i click my belt on a holster full of aerosol protective spray, poison antedate and my vice, 8 canisters of what i feed my stomach. lock and load the road is long.

painstretched


Thursday, September 25, 2014

the coolest kids in rehab


I have filled the space around the pit.  I've been squeezing it hard and tight.  The light hits me shattering around my emotional tentacles they wrap tighter around the memory of you.  As I sit with this hole in my stomach that just grows I don't want to move on.  I ask myself the hardest question, should I cut myself off?  Or do I really love this person and only her?  I can't watch I want my life to go on, but right now i'm sitting on the fence.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Got my iPhone back moving to cali right now brb

Without change something sleeps inside us and seldom awakens


Youth is hilarious

Contradiction
Contradiction
Eear closing plastic surgery
Fatly
Contradicting
Young

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Demons in the aTtic - my friends grande filmaking debut

the tone tho
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzeNQR2Y6nI

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

use

you can't solve problems by use of other people.  its like jamming a large square into a small circle, guts come out

PAINFOREST666 -*2014 NEW ALBUM* Black Saphire

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeLEqMsNmsI&index=3&list=UUrWdpZvcxUmJQUe22bMHyPw



me "so you've been on your period almost the entire time we've been hanging out."
stranger "not the HOLE time, but yeah why?"
me "because i'm evil and evoke extreme biological reactions"
stranger "wut?"

slack

this is when the pain sickens me and I want to divert the blame into somebody or something else.  the bottom ribs ache and i'm not hungry anymore.  I agree with the things I heard back in time when I was relevant, dead youth.  
Life sciences magazine dripping wet sweat on my life dream.
Is that pain feeling the one that I call love?  Has everything i've ever loved been a desperate attempt to invest in something that Isn't true.  something to take the attention off of me.  I like to pretend I hate being the center of attention. 

feelings pass out when drowned.  i've got to stick with them and live with them. let them live not kill them.  they're me.  so many before me have written of this pain in songs that climb up the raveled life.  it never winds down.  a ribbon stuck at the end, do you just leave it caught or pull it off?






"blame it all on yourself cause she's always a woman to me"

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

goodbye summer

I woke up straddling the curb and a bright light in my face, last thing i remember i was hassling kids at the beach because they were in the place i planned on sleeping for the night.  The policemen asked what I was doing i said "trying to get your attention"  he was a fat mustached asshole, that called in reinforcements.  within the next 5 minutes there were 8 other cops surrounding me..   I had no where to go and the person I was meeting had left me hanging I said TEN o clock.  thats what you get for fucking with another mans girl.  the cops told me they would take me where i needed to go , but i had no where to go and no one to see.  my phone was dead, therefor the extenuation of my brain that held information was dead and unreachable.  I was telling them to take me to 7 eleven and one of them said times up and wiped my cheek to the asphalt and i heard and felt the cuffs click.
fuck
I was in their zone now. I was arrested.   I sat in the cop car as I watched them go through the contents of my backpack which was now my temporary home.  

Jail was shit.  I was in booking and the only thing to look forward to were junkies coming in and getting their food they wouldn't eat.  I had only one competitor for the food.  and it was a 50 year old professional junkie.  We were cool though.  I remember in booking I was saying I WASNT READ MY RIGHTs, and this power hungry bitch kept saying "this isn't law and order"  I replied saying "ii'v seen every episode." 

While I was there my mother decided it was a good idea to call in and say I was suicidal telling them about my youtube videos.  fuck.  Now i was really stuck up the ass and in the worst hell she knows is not good for me.   

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Gum Buddy

Sometimes

MOST times things happen right at the right time for the right reason and It makes me second guess that we are all just random atoms born to die and recycle.

thanks for your innocent insight, and beauitful innocent advice on life.
thanks gum buddy 

hope you buy an acceptable mac,

and I'll move to provo
















Wednesday, May 21, 2014

dat foryoutube suckers

HELL LEAKS


CHAPTER 1


its day i don't know what anymore, I'm tired of waking up. i'm bored of whats there when I finally do roll out of bed.  The sirens stopped maybe a year ago? maybe 30 years ago?  My beard is grey, I like it.  I'm the only silver fox left on this putrid lopsided radiation infected planter.
My name is connor I lived my life as all pretend.  To be accepted.  I wore the clothes, I went to the jobs, I drove the cars.  I made small talk about organic foods.
that was years ago,
I'm not sure how many.  
maybe 30 maybe 20.
My head hurts overtime I wake up.  the waves of toxic human waste seeps into mysleep and I wake up shaking and accidentally kicking my pet mechanical rabbit.  (her name is roxy she is more like a dog)  she gets angry briefly then understands my unconscious tantrum.  I try and keep her safe as much as i can . she's all the hope i have left. all the hope of love. 
Its like waking up in a room of spraypaint with all he windows closed.  you nightmare everything because your braincells are melting and you waking up reaching for them.  instead you kick your pet rabbit.  
god left us ….i don't know how long ago
20 30 years
maybe more, but as they say gods years could be any amount of human years.
I can't believe i can type after this radiation.  I've taken shelfter in a n old abandoned house in the suburbs of a small state i believe is called utah, i've puzzled the street signs and maps together to figure that it is called utah.   
i'm not sure 
it was maybe 20-34 years ago

I wonder how old i am
i wonder how old i would be if this didn't happen….i wonder why i'm still alive.  I wonder what I will eat for breakfast.. humans have failed the earth and it no longer grows healthy fruits.  the seeds i eat are of old carcass, or other people just like me , last week i tricked a family into my crawl space disguising roxy as a flesh and bone good eating rabit.  (I had to cover her red eyes.  )  once they were down there I locked the trapdoor and left for atlas a week
maybe two
maybe 20 years,

when I came back the youth were rotten there were 3 boys and 1 girl, a father (weaker than the youngest girl, i'm sure from failing his family)  and the wife was still moving ..  I'm not a murderer
so I closed the door again as flies swarmed out.
slipping on my gas mask or doctors mask, or bandanna….I don't know what they would call it or what it is even, it might be an ex mammal.  for some reason i think its lizard, I read that word at a library in a  book entitled "darwins cock" or something like that. from what my shit for brains memory recalls , i came format that lizard (my face rag)  and its tough


I stomped through the glowing snow in my ravaged boots i murdered and 18 year old boy for, atlas i think it was a boy you cant tell now that the bombs pretty much burnt off all parts you weren't huddled over grasping.. he seemed man enough with a little prick of hair under his chin surely underdeveloped.  
my stomach was starting to swell up and I was unsure of my own man parts they were hidden from this fat birthing purple bulge.  
I think I have parasites.

I continue stomping throughout he snow-spots glowing with some nucleaur bullshit that got poured on us during ….i don't even remember it was 20-maybe 60 years ago


i made an igloo (i learned this from the exactl same book format eh library)  and began feeling warmth. roxy was "sleeping or recharging by laying in a puddle of green glowing yellow snow. somehow she had adapted to the fumes and took advantage of them.  she ran on the stuff.   

alone staring at the center of the room imagininign a fire that wasn't yellow and making me dizzy.  maybe the dizziness helped I had something no body else did some sort of immunity to this dilemma.


i woke up after 30 maybe 20 years …. I was in the same place time means nothing
roxy was gone, probably scouting.  Such a great little companion.  I punched myself a number of times before i could see clearly and venture out following the scattered hoppy footprints my last chance of love had left behind.  on the way I found a dead glowing flower that spit poison ivy or some highly evolved or corrupt version. IT may have been a hedge hog..  I was "hungry" so I released yesterdays meal into my canister and ate mmmm some of it was still whole,  thank s god.

after an hour or 20-30 years I finally caught up with roxy that was gnawing on what looked like a battery, NEXT TO A DEAD HUMNA, i hope human.  I approached with caution because the androids have been hunting us to ruin the planet further I still don't get what what y get out of it.  I wish I could give it to them and they would go away .  it was definitely a human, Dressed in eskimo attire (learned from the same library book )  I hung over him and waited for a sign of life, I heard a breath and quickly stamped on the back of his neck three or five maybe 30-40 times. i stopped and waited as some purplish rare red blood spurted only for a moment before the veins froze and beceame useless.. like killing a deer if you don't get to it before the flies lay eggs in it it becomes useless.. this man/woman/bleeder was my food for a week.  I worked for an hour and a half, oro 20-40years to simplify his form to fit in my nap sack.  I would be ok for now depending on what i ran into on my way back to the igloo, I would stash the corpse Parts there, and return them home, treating it as a highly evolved deep freeze. .  God i could go for a creamsicle.

CHAPTER 2
roxy is acting funny her eyes are projecting a purple kind of beam and she is making a chattering noise.. when i try and confront her she looks like an old woman with caderaccs.  i even kissed her on the cheek. she didn't get the message.  
I'd never seen this behavior in her as long as i've lived maybe 20-80- years….in human in god years who knows how long that really is?

quiz time
1.who is your god?
2. do you talk to it?
3. what would you ask it right now
4. your god is dead


I have eaten a good amount of the findings from the other day and I feel strength like i haven't in years, maybe 20 -22 years.  maybe hwen i was 20.. I don't know atlas i'm still concise enough to kno what I am retarded. 

which Is politically correct because all the politicians have died, that leaves only me.  don't save the trees their already dead, 
no obama care he's already ……

just do what we were put here to , hunt and be hunted.  i sometimes wonder if I was missed int he mass murder of humans for a reason or if I just lucked out, or if i deserve this hell.  Either way I'm hungry.  not for food. for pussy. for swollen wet north african french moroccan pussy. the kind of woman that will never exist again the kind of woman that has creases from the profile of her naked body that you may call curves.  they drive me crazy.. maybe they keep me sane.  I have tried beating my dick, fucking ice holes, fucking other homed devices, fucking roxy, its all pointless I did cum once in deep "meditation" using my left hand but I wa sonly imagining her curves and her mouth on the tip ass I got my heart rate up so fast it exploded out into her gorgeous mouth, and for an act so ugly she made it look so beautifully and took it like a queen.  

I still elieve in love because of that. she will never leave me no matter how dead she is or retarded from radiation.  I will always have that imaginary verisou of the one that "got away"  

sorry to get off topic but now i'm reminded off her .  I wen tot vegas with her . i met her in new york at a party.  not just any party the best party of my entire life.   I wen tot meet up wtha  buddy after work and had a little trouble finding this place, but once up the four flights of graffitied stairwell there wa a hall lined with people on either side, and rooms leadining to different "lofts" or party houses.  I located greg and got a drink of vodka (my least favorite but oh god what id kill fo ra  drink of it now)  I walked up to him  face to face eye contact and everything and said as loud as i could "suppppppppp nigggga lets inf some bitches to makeup with )  this was my attitude after working retail in what used to be manhattan .   vein

vanity

he mumbled like usual and i turned around. he was already talking to two women, the choice was mine because his looks were ok but i had the favor. … also they both looked up former sucking their straws directly when I turned.   I knew instantly the one on the right hand side was the one.. she wasn't necessarily my type but we got talking (thank greg for already having the women present)  here name was nadine and she was a jew that grew up in new york city, she just had a birthday and left an eric cropland show, I Was in love at that point, before she shared her moonrocks ro what rappers would later name the shit "molly"   I showed her the worst side of me the tifrst night, not great advice to all you young radiation fucktards.  never let them in.  

I asked her to kiss me
I hit my head informant of a group of livers 
I road home in a cab with her
I took the train home 
I loved her..

I just wanted to be in love…
I still want to prove it. maybe that is love me wanting to prove it.



my soul has been dripping 
its been dripping the thoughts of the past
no the the past as in pawst present future but he the past lives lived behind me

i am unsure with how to deal with this so I Treat it As entertainment. 
but once i'm finished thinking about it or it begins to fade from my train of thought I find myself feeling much like a dead wolf rigor mortise has set in and i'm just stiff lying on my side….waiting for roxy to come starting picking into me with those sharp metalllic teeth.

I need treatment.  
I need to leave this area before I can't

I need to feed myself again… i'm on the las tlimb of the man I stole from his family weeks ago its the worst part the upper leg. surprisingly a rotten penis taste much better than a rotten thight or calf. 

I do not know why

SOMETIMES I SMELL MY PISS AND I'M REMINDED OF A GATWEAY 
a gateway out of here for sure, but it reminds me of the old times.

29  
40  
50 years ago
and then i hear the whistle and the song
rings in my ears and i feel comfortable i feel stupid but comfy
theres on beattthat is keeping me going and its not my own heart
its omsthing I wou ldhave died long ago if i could have. 

I don't know why i can,t I've had a part of me eaten, I've tried to end it myself on my own i don t know 
that was also the same night i had my reaffirmed belief in love in female form retracted. this was nota  female, this was a  goddess beyond belief, the kind of thing   you can only make up with words but she's real.  her entity is entirely real and free and strikingand challenging, from this point on in the book I will refer to her as the challenger. the domain reign counterpart. I let myself lean on her financially for a little bit to long but i satay married to her in my thoughts and in my actions. i feel my osture drop now because its hard to let this ou without drooping.  
back to food hunt
kill eat
feed her
feed it.
th lame belief that its still alive 
i wih cameras were still in existence  i've tried to build them from scrap parts i've found in houses turned bunker i never could figure out why the magnets on the tape recorder wouldn't work anymore. its like a gravity defect.  the earth needs to be demagnetizers.  well now that i've bored you for so long with thoughts of "love:" let me tell you something real


last week I was sure of this
I know it wasn't a dream…
I was out with roxy scouting as usual and i had to grab her and shove her deep into my coat so she would shut up her alarm was going of so loud, I was surprised to see a beautiful creature … a "human I believe dressed in all white, not dressed, pained intuit he snow.  

it was her.
i kept rox muffled and approached cautiously , she didn't notice me..   I sat behind a nearby bush and watched her as she gutted an eldery mammal, it was hard to make out all i could se was that snow and blood, and that black flowing hair .  and the hunger in her beadles eyes.  .
she didn't need my help and I knew If i approached her she would go for my throat 
so i just watched.

I wish I could have figured out the video cameras then so badly.  this was the first and last time i would see her in years, maybe 30 or 40 years.  

we didn't grow old together like we once promised

Its kind of a stupid thing to promise. anything forever is a dumb promise, you are definitely lying to yourself and to the person your making the false pact with .  my posture sunk as i realized that i waswaiting for someone else to provo to me love exists when it was me.
I needed to provo love exists, so in that moment watching her i decided if love exists I will take her life and absorb her nutrients, she must be good eating after feasting upon that yeti or whatever the fuck she was burried in. gouging its guts out with her teeth i'ev never been so turned on watching her pull the innards of this thing out and her chomp it raw absorbing all the false protein god deceived us into eating.  
I had finally calmed roxy and I told her in a quiet voice, go in froth north west and distract her that way I can slide up behind and hopefully chokehold heruntill she passed out, if all failed, she would be outnumbered and murdered and a delicious healthy dinner, I would gain 2 weeks of life for each of her beautiful breasts and the rest of her I could preserve and ration to live fore atlas a year, 
or 20
maybe 50
i don't know anymore
…..



thing went wrong SO WRONG.  I'm stabbed and roxy is helping me get home. 
I went in for the chokehold and she had some sort of armor of fur that tangled around me like medusa and venomous snakes bit allover my face and neck I was hardly able to see , i love you roxy you're saving my life more than that you were uninfected by this witch loves tactics.  now it was clear.  I must thwart her where she is strong or I must join her.  by the look in her eyes (if you can call them that) dark dark dark holes, id call hem  a black hole yet i've never seen one.  let alone two. this bitch did me in and i am drifting slowly slowly slowly ……my eyelids already shut and swollen.. my brain lid closes.






CHAPTER 3
Purpose (noahs Children)

I'm in a dream
no joke
No kidding 
what you are about to hear is pure vision
I have my 


,,,,
  


i Wake up to roxy by my side, she feels so warm for a sixteenth of a living thing.  I wish iI could show her a bunny, a fat fluffy domesticated bunny that eats only ORGANIC CARROTS LOL
organic such cheese.  I wanted to forget about that witch that tangled my brain so its still inflamed and pounding on my skull.  if there is another out there stronger than me , or that can meet my strength I Must kill it, or i must be killed by it.  this reminds me of a film I saw, decent film AMAZING book its a movie called bladerunner, based on a book by phillipk dickshits call do androids dream of electric sheep.  They are completely different stories.  (thus the spereate titles)  
sex drugs and rock and roll
good enough for me…was goodenought for me..
now its just cold, roxy and shivering thoughts of that bitch cunt whore that hit me so hard I don't even remember her touching me.  

I wanted her.
I wanted to pro create with her
I want to make radiated babies…I am curiosu to see if w can make babies int he is climate.

repopulate the earth like noahs children.

its a win win … for me.

No ones children-arcless

HELL LEAKS


CHAPTER 1


its day i don't know what anymore, I'm tired of waking up. i'm bored of whats there when I finally do roll out of bed.  The sirens stopped maybe a year ago? maybe 30 years ago?  My beard is grey, I like it.  I'm the only silver fox left on this putrid lopsided radiation infected planter.
My name is connor I lived my life as all pretend.  To be accepted.  I wore the clothes, I went to the jobs, I drove the cars.  I made small talk about organic foods.
that was years ago,
I'm not sure how many.  
maybe 30 maybe 20.
My head hurts overtime I wake up.  the waves of toxic human waste seeps into mysleep and I wake up shaking and accidentally kicking my pet mechanical rabbit.  (her name is roxy she is more like a dog)  she gets angry briefly then understands my unconscious tantrum.  I try and keep her safe as much as i can . she's all the hope i have left. all the hope of love. 
Its like waking up in a room of spraypaint with all he windows closed.  you nightmare everything because your braincells are melting and you waking up reaching for them.  instead you kick your pet rabbit.  
god left us ….i don't know how long ago
20 30 years
maybe more, but as they say gods years could be any amount of human years.
I can't believe i can type after this radiation.  I've taken shelfter in a n old abandoned house in the suburbs of a small state i believe is called utah, i've puzzled the street signs and maps together to figure that it is called utah.   
i'm not sure 
it was maybe 20-34 years ago

I wonder how old i am
i wonder how old i would be if this didn't happen….i wonder why i'm still alive.  I wonder what I will eat for breakfast.. humans have failed the earth and it no longer grows healthy fruits.  the seeds i eat are of old carcass, or other people just like me , last week i tricked a family into my crawl space disguising roxy as a flesh and bone good eating rabit.  (I had to cover her red eyes.  )  once they were down there I locked the trapdoor and left for atlas a week
maybe two
maybe 20 years,

when I came back the youth were rotten there were 3 boys and 1 girl, a father (weaker than the youngest girl, i'm sure from failing his family)  and the wife was still moving ..  I'm not a murderer
so I closed the door again as flies swarmed out.
slipping on my gas mask or doctors mask, or bandanna….I don't know what they would call it or what it is even, it might be an ex mammal.  for some reason i think its lizard, I read that word at a library in a  book entitled "darwins cock" or something like that. from what my shit for brains memory recalls , i came format that lizard (my face rag)  and its tough


I stomped through the glowing snow in my ravaged boots i murdered and 18 year old boy for, atlas i think it was a boy you cant tell now that the bombs pretty much burnt off all parts you weren't huddled over grasping.. he seemed man enough with a little prick of hair under his chin surely underdeveloped.  
my stomach was starting to swell up and I was unsure of my own man parts they were hidden from this fat birthing purple bulge.  
I think I have parasites.

I continue stomping throughout he snow-spots glowing with some nucleaur bullshit that got poured on us during ….i don't even remember it was 20-maybe 60 years ago


i made an igloo (i learned this from the exactl same book format eh library)  and began feeling warmth. roxy was "sleeping or recharging by laying in a puddle of green glowing yellow snow. somehow she had adapted to the fumes and took advantage of them.  she ran on the stuff.   

alone staring at the center of the room imagininign a fire that wasn't yellow and making me dizzy.  maybe the dizziness helped I had something no body else did some sort of immunity to this dilemma.


i woke up after 30 maybe 20 years …. I was in the same place time means nothing
roxy was gone, probably scouting.  Such a great little companion.  I punched myself a number of times before i could see clearly and venture out following the scattered hoppy footprints my last chance of love had left behind.  on the way I found a dead glowing flower that spit poison ivy or some highly evolved or corrupt version. IT may have been a hedge hog..  I was "hungry" so I released yesterdays meal into my canister and ate mmmm some of it was still whole,  thank s god.

after an hour or 20-30 years I finally caught up with roxy that was gnawing on what looked like a battery, NEXT TO A DEAD HUMNA, i hope human.  I approached with caution because the androids have been hunting us to ruin the planet further I still don't get what what y get out of it.  I wish I could give it to them and they would go away .  it was definitely a human, Dressed in eskimo attire (learned from the same library book )  I hung over him and waited for a sign of life, I heard a breath and quickly stamped on the back of his neck three or five maybe 30-40 times. i stopped and waited as some purplish rare red blood spurted only for a moment before the veins froze and beceame useless.. like killing a deer if you don't get to it before the flies lay eggs in it it becomes useless.. this man/woman/bleeder was my food for a week.  I worked for an hour and a half, oro 20-40years to simplify his form to fit in my nap sack.  I would be ok for now depending on what i ran into on my way back to the igloo, I would stash the corpse Parts there, and return them home, treating it as a highly evolved deep freeze. .  God i could go for a creamsicle.

CHAPTER 2
roxy is acting funny her eyes are projecting a purple kind of beam and she is making a chattering noise.. when i try and confront her she looks like an old woman with caderaccs.  i even kissed her on the cheek. she didn't get the message.  
I'd never seen this behavior in her as long as i've lived maybe 20-80- years….in human in god years who knows how long that really is?

quiz time
1.who is your god?
2. do you talk to it?
3. what would you ask it right now
4. your god is dead


I have eaten a good amount of the findings from the other day and I feel strength like i haven't in years, maybe 20 -22 years.  maybe hwen i was 20.. I don't know atlas i'm still concise enough to kno what I am retarded. 

which Is politically correct because all the politicians have died, that leaves only me.  don't save the trees their already dead, 
no obama care he's already ……

just do what we were put here to , hunt and be hunted.  i sometimes wonder if I was missed int he mass murder of humans for a reason or if I just lucked out, or if i deserve this hell.  Either way I'm hungry.  not for food. for pussy. for swollen wet north african french moroccan pussy. the kind of woman that will never exist again the kind of woman that has creases from the profile of her naked body that you may call curves.  they drive me crazy.. maybe they keep me sane.  I have tried beating my dick, fucking ice holes, fucking other homed devices, fucking roxy, its all pointless I did cum once in deep "meditation" using my left hand but I wa sonly imagining her curves and her mouth on the tip ass I got my heart rate up so fast it exploded out into her gorgeous mouth, and for an act so ugly she made it look so beautifully and took it like a queen.  

I still elieve in love because of that. she will never leave me no matter how dead she is or retarded from radiation.  I will always have that imaginary verisou of the one that "got away"  

sorry to get off topic but now i'm reminded off her .  I wen tot vegas with her . i met her in new york at a party.  not just any party the best party of my entire life.   I wen tot meet up wtha  buddy after work and had a little trouble finding this place, but once up the four flights of graffitied stairwell there wa a hall lined with people on either side, and rooms leadining to different "lofts" or party houses.  I located greg and got a drink of vodka (my least favorite but oh god what id kill fo ra  drink of it now)  I walked up to him  face to face eye contact and everything and said as loud as i could "suppppppppp nigggga lets inf some bitches to makeup with )  this was my attitude after working retail in what used to be manhattan .   vein

vanity

he mumbled like usual and i turned around. he was already talking to two women, the choice was mine because his looks were ok but i had the favor. … also they both looked up former sucking their straws directly when I turned.   I knew instantly the one on the right hand side was the one.. she wasn't necessarily my type but we got talking (thank greg for already having the women present)  here name was nadine and she was a jew that grew up in new york city, she just had a birthday and left an eric cropland show, I Was in love at that point, before she shared her moonrocks ro what rappers would later name the shit "molly"   I showed her the worst side of me the tifrst night, not great advice to all you young radiation fucktards.  never let them in.  

I asked her to kiss me
I hit my head informant of a group of livers 
I road home in a cab with her
I took the train home 
I loved her..

I just wanted to be in love…
I still want to prove it. maybe that is love me wanting to prove it.



my soul has been dripping 
its been dripping the thoughts of the past
no the the past as in pawst present future but he the past lives lived behind me

i am unsure with how to deal with this so I Treat it As entertainment. 
but once i'm finished thinking about it or it begins to fade from my train of thought I find myself feeling much like a dead wolf rigor mortise has set in and i'm just stiff lying on my side….waiting for roxy to come starting picking into me with those sharp metalllic teeth.

I need treatment.  
I need to leave this area before I can't

I need to feed myself again… i'm on the las tlimb of the man I stole from his family weeks ago its the worst part the upper leg. surprisingly a rotten penis taste much better than a rotten thight or calf. 

I do not know why

SOMETIMES I SMELL MY PISS AND I'M REMINDED OF A GATWEAY 
a gateway out of here for sure, but it reminds me of the old times.

29  
40  
50 years ago
and then i hear the whistle and the song
rings in my ears and i feel comfortable i feel stupid but comfy
theres on beattthat is keeping me going and its not my own heart
its omsthing I wou ldhave died long ago if i could have. 

I don't know why i can,t I've had a part of me eaten, I've tried to end it myself on my own i don t know 
that was also the same night i had my reaffirmed belief in love in female form retracted. this was nota  female, this was a  goddess beyond belief, the kind of thing   you can only make up with words but she's real.  her entity is entirely real and free and strikingand challenging, from this point on in the book I will refer to her as the challenger. the domain reign counterpart. I let myself lean on her financially for a little bit to long but i satay married to her in my thoughts and in my actions. i feel my osture drop now because its hard to let this ou without drooping.  
back to food hunt
kill eat
feed her
feed it.
th lame belief that its still alive 
i wih cameras were still in existence  i've tried to build them from scrap parts i've found in houses turned bunker i never could figure out why the magnets on the tape recorder wouldn't work anymore. its like a gravity defect.  the earth needs to be demagnetizers.  well now that i've bored you for so long with thoughts of "love:" let me tell you something real


last week I was sure of this
I know it wasn't a dream…
I was out with roxy scouting as usual and i had to grab her and shove her deep into my coat so she would shut up her alarm was going of so loud, I was surprised to see a beautiful creature … a "human I believe dressed in all white, not dressed, pained intuit he snow.  

it was her.
i kept rox muffled and approached cautiously , she didn't notice me..   I sat behind a nearby bush and watched her as she gutted an eldery mammal, it was hard to make out all i could se was that snow and blood, and that black flowing hair .  and the hunger in her beadles eyes.  .
she didn't need my help and I knew If i approached her she would go for my throat 
so i just watched.

I wish I could have figured out the video cameras then so badly.  this was the first and last time i would see her in years, maybe 30 or 40 years.  

we didn't grow old together like we once promised

Its kind of a stupid thing to promise. anything forever is a dumb promise, you are definitely lying to yourself and to the person your making the false pact with .  my posture sunk as i realized that i waswaiting for someone else to provo to me love exists when it was me.
I needed to provo love exists, so in that moment watching her i decided if love exists I will take her life and absorb her nutrients, she must be good eating after feasting upon that yeti or whatever the fuck she was burried in. gouging its guts out with her teeth i'ev never been so turned on watching her pull the innards of this thing out and her chomp it raw absorbing all the false protein god deceived us into eating.  
I had finally calmed roxy and I told her in a quiet voice, go in froth north west and distract her that way I can slide up behind and hopefully chokehold heruntill she passed out, if all failed, she would be outnumbered and murdered and a delicious healthy dinner, I would gain 2 weeks of life for each of her beautiful breasts and the rest of her I could preserve and ration to live fore atlas a year, 
or 20
maybe 50
i don't know anymore
…..



thing went wrong SO WRONG.  I'm stabbed and roxy is helping me get home. 
I went in for the chokehold and she had some sort of armor of fur that tangled around me like medusa and venomous snakes bit allover my face and neck I was hardly able to see , i love you roxy you're saving my life more than that you were uninfected by this witch loves tactics.  now it was clear.  I must thwart her where she is strong or I must join her.  by the look in her eyes (if you can call them that) dark dark dark holes, id call hem  a black hole yet i've never seen one.  let alone two. this bitch did me in and i am drifting slowly slowly slowly ……my eyelids already shut and swollen.. my brain lid closes.






CHAPTER 3
Purpose (noahs Children)

I'm in a dream
no joke
No kidding 
what you are about to hear is pure vision
I have my 


,,,,
  


i Wake up to roxy by my side, she feels so warm for a sixteenth of a living thing.  I wish iI could show her a bunny, a fat fluffy domesticated bunny that eats only ORGANIC CARROTS LOL
organic such cheese.  I wanted to forget about that witch that tangled my brain so its still inflamed and pounding on my skull.  if there is another out there stronger than me , or that can meet my strength I Must kill it, or i must be killed by it.  this reminds me of a film I saw, decent film AMAZING book its a movie called bladerunner, based on a book by phillipk dickshits call do androids dream of electric sheep.  They are completely different stories.  (thus the spereate titles)  
sex drugs and rock and roll
good enough for me…was goodenought for me..
now its just cold, roxy and shivering thoughts of that bitch cunt whore that hit me so hard I don't even remember her touching me.  

I wanted her.
I wanted to pro create with her
I want to make radiated babies…I am curiosu to see if w can make babies int he is climate.

repopulate the earth like noahs children.

its a win win … for me.

?A? Novellea Beggning 1st draft HELL LEAKS WORKING TITLE FUCK YOU( bonus mohair sweater NEW MILEY CYRUS NUDE pics of me writing it )

weird you can see my eeyes thoughts
HELL LEAKS


CHAPTER 1


its day i don't know what anymore, I'm tired of waking up. i'm bored of whats there when I finally do roll out of bed.  The sirens stopped maybe a year ago? maybe 30 years ago?  My beard is grey, I like it.  I'm the only silver fox left on this putrid lopsided radiation infected planter.
My name is connor I lived my life as all pretend.  To be accepted.  I wore the clothes, I went to the jobs, I drove the cars.  I made small talk about organic foods.
that was years ago,
I'm not sure how many.  
maybe 30 maybe 20.
My head hurts overtime I wake up.  the waves of toxic human waste seeps into mysleep and I wake up shaking and accidentally kicking my pet mechanical rabbit.  (her name is roxy she is more like a dog)  she gets angry briefly then understands my unconscious tantrum.  I try and keep her safe as much as i can . she's all the hope i have left. all the hope of love. 
Its like waking up in a room of spraypaint with all he windows closed.  you nightmare everything because your braincells are melting and you waking up reaching for them.  instead you kick your pet rabbit.  
god left us ….i don't know how long ago
20 30 years
maybe more, but as they say gods years could be any amount of human years.
I can't believe i can type after this radiation.  I've taken shelfter in a n old abandoned house in the suburbs of a small state i believe is called utah, i've puzzled the street signs and maps together to figure that it is called utah.   
i'm not sure 
it was maybe 20-34 years ago

I wonder how old i am
i wonder how old i would be if this didn't happen….i wonder why i'm still alive.  I wonder what I will eat for breakfast.. humans have failed the earth and it no longer grows healthy fruits.  the seeds i eat are of old carcass, or other people just like me , last week i tricked a family into my crawl space disguising roxy as a flesh and bone good eating rabit.  (I had to cover her red eyes.  )  once they were down there I locked the trapdoor and left for atlas a week
maybe two
maybe 20 years,

when I came back the youth were rotten there were 3 boys and 1 girl, a father (weaker than the youngest girl, i'm sure from failing his family)  and the wife was still moving ..  I'm not a murderer
so I closed the door again as flies swarmed out.
slipping on my gas mask or doctors mask, or bandanna….I don't know what they would call it or what it is even, it might be an ex mammal.  for some reason i think its lizard, I read that word at a library in a  book entitled "darwins cock" or something like that. from what my shit for brains memory recalls , i came format that lizard (my face rag)  and its tough


I stomped through the glowing snow in my ravaged boots i murdered and 18 year old boy for, atlas i think it was a boy you cant tell now that the bombs pretty much burnt off all parts you weren't huddled over grasping.. he seemed man enough with a little prick of hair under his chin surely underdeveloped.  
my stomach was starting to swell up and I was unsure of my own man parts they were hidden from this fat birthing purple bulge.  
I think I have parasites.

I continue stomping throughout he snow-spots glowing with some nucleaur bullshit that got poured on us during ….i don't even remember it was 20-maybe 60 years ago


i made an igloo (i learned this from the exactl same book format eh library)  and began feeling warmth. roxy was "sleeping or recharging by laying in a puddle of green glowing yellow snow. somehow she had adapted to the fumes and took advantage of them.  she ran on the stuff.   

alone staring at the center of the room imagininign a fire that wasn't yellow and making me dizzy.  maybe the dizziness helped I had something no body else did some sort of immunity to this dilemma.


i woke up after 30 maybe 20 years …. I was in the same place time means nothing
roxy was gone, probably scouting.  Such a great little companion.  I punched myself a number of times before i could see clearly and venture out following the scattered hoppy footprints my last chance of love had left behind.  on the way I found a dead glowing flower that spit poison ivy or some highly evolved or corrupt version. IT may have been a hedge hog..  I was "hungry" so I released yesterdays meal into my canister and ate mmmm some of it was still whole,  thank s god.

after an hour or 20-30 years I finally caught up with roxy that was gnawing on what looked like a battery, NEXT TO A DEAD HUMNA, i hope human.  I approached with caution because the androids have been hunting us to ruin the planet further I still don't get what what y get out of it.  I wish I could give it to them and they would go away .  it was definitely a human, Dressed in eskimo attire (learned from the same library book )  I hung over him and waited for a sign of life, I heard a breath and quickly stamped on the back of his neck three or five maybe 30-40 times. i stopped and waited as some purplish rare red blood spurted only for a moment before the veins froze and beceame useless.. like killing a deer if you don't get to it before the flies lay eggs in it it becomes useless.. this man/woman/bleeder was my food for a week.  I worked for an hour and a half, oro 20-40years to simplify his form to fit in my nap sack.  I would be ok for now depending on what i ran into on my way back to the igloo, I would stash the corpse Parts there, and return them home, treating it as a highly evolved deep freeze. .  God i could go for a creamsicle.

CHAPTER 2
roxy is acting funny her eyes are projecting a purple kind of beam and she is making a chattering noise.. when i try and confront her she looks like an old woman with caderaccs.  i even kissed her on the cheek. she didn't get the message.  
I'd never seen this behavior in her as long as i've lived maybe 20-80- years….in human in god years who knows how long that really is?

quiz time
1.who is your god?
2. do you talk to it?
3. what would you ask it right now
4. your god is dead


I have eaten a good amount of the findings from the other day and I feel strength like i haven't in years, maybe 20 -22 years.  maybe hwen i was 20.. I don't know atlas i'm still concise enough to kno what I am retarded. 

which Is politically correct because all the politicians have died, that leaves only me.  don't save the trees their already dead, 
no obama care he's already ……

just do what we were put here to , hunt and be hunted.  i sometimes wonder if I was missed int he mass murder of humans for a reason or if I just lucked out, or if i deserve this hell.  Either way I'm hungry.  not for food. for pussy. for swollen wet north african french moroccan pussy. the kind of woman that will never exist again the kind of woman that has creases from the profile of her naked body that you may call curves.  they drive me crazy.. maybe they keep me sane.  I have tried beating my dick, fucking ice holes, fucking other homed devices, fucking roxy, its all pointless I did cum once in deep "meditation" using my left hand but I wa sonly imagining her curves and her mouth on the tip ass I got my heart rate up so fast it exploded out into her gorgeous mouth, and for an act so ugly she made it look so beautifully and took it like a queen.  

I still elieve in love because of that. she will never leave me no matter how dead she is or retarded from radiation.  I will always have that imaginary verisou of the one that "got away"  

sorry to get off topic but now i'm reminded off her .  I wen tot vegas with her . i met her in new york at a party.  not just any party the best party of my entire life.   I wen tot meet up wtha  buddy after work and had a little trouble finding this place, but once up the four flights of graffitied stairwell there wa a hall lined with people on either side, and rooms leadining to different "lofts" or party houses.  I located greg and got a drink of vodka (my least favorite but oh god what id kill fo ra  drink of it now)  I walked up to him  face to face eye contact and everything and said as loud as i could "suppppppppp nigggga lets inf some bitches to makeup with )  this was my attitude after working retail in what used to be manhattan .   vein

vanity

he mumbled like usual and i turned around. he was already talking to two women, the choice was mine because his looks were ok but i had the favor. … also they both looked up former sucking their straws directly when I turned.   I knew instantly the one on the right hand side was the one.. she wasn't necessarily my type but we got talking (thank greg for already having the women present)  here name was nadine and she was a jew that grew up in new york city, she just had a birthday and left an eric cropland show, I Was in love at that point, before she shared her moonrocks ro what rappers would later name the shit "molly"   I showed her the worst side of me the tifrst night, not great advice to all you young radiation fucktards.  never let them in.  

I asked her to kiss me
I hit my head informant of a group of livers 
I road home in a cab with her
I took the train home 
I loved her..

I just wanted to be in love…
I still want to prove it. maybe that is love me wanting to prove it.



my soul has been dripping 
its been dripping the thoughts of the past
no the the past as in pawst present future but he the past lives lived behind me

i am unsure with how to deal with this so I Treat it As entertainment. 
but once i'm finished thinking about it or it begins to fade from my train of thought I find myself feeling much like a dead wolf rigor mortise has set in and i'm just stiff lying on my side….waiting for roxy to come starting picking into me with those sharp metalllic teeth.

I need treatment.  
I need to leave this area before I can't

I need to feed myself again… i'm on the las tlimb of the man I stole from his family weeks ago its the worst part the upper leg. surprisingly a rotten penis taste much better than a rotten thight or calf. 

I do not know why

SOMETIMES I SMELL MY PISS AND I'M REMINDED OF A GATWEAY 
a gateway out of here for sure, but it reminds me of the old times.

29  
40  
50 years ago
and then i hear the whistle and the song
rings in my ears and i feel comfortable i feel stupid but comfy
theres on beattthat is keeping me going and its not my own heart
its omsthing I wou ldhave died long ago if i could have. 


I don't know why i can,t I've had a part of me eaten, I've tried to end it myself on my own i don t know
















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