Forced gender reassignment

Fear breeds contempt in the hear of a man
One has to question this common trait
Why do we hate what we don't understand?
Forced into a body and damned with intelligence
Shoved into a soul, wired with circuitry you cannot control

A tradition so ancient that evolution will circumvent
Hell-bent on ideals instilled since birth
A price on life, the fleshes worth

Somewhere in this organism's development
A separate path taken, possible defect awakened
Some feel it was simply a choice and use morality
To strengthen their voice

For this rather Christian indoctrination
We have such sights to show you
The gimp shall get to know you motherfucking biblically
It's bound in human leather
Desensitized, its sanity weathered
To the wall your arms and legs are tethered
Say hello to your new gender

First we start with your private parts
Snip cremaster, your testes fall apart
Pain makes you faint as I slit your taint
While you're unconscious I just wait

Now you're awake, just in time as I make this incision
The next step in your sex revision
A slice up the shaft and around the corona
Unsheathed penile muscle exposing the urethra

Welcome to forced gender dysphoria
How does it feel to be a woman now and not a man?

Unnatural and unclean!
Lord, please forgive them as this is not what they mean
Are you there and are you listening?
Why would you even let this happen to me!

Shut up and take it
Just accept your new life
Look at it this way, you'll make a dashing wife

As for your new husband
We had to perform a hysterectomy
But, we managed to save your penis
And stapled it to her pubis

In order to elude tissue rejection
For seven days she must avoid erections
Since we grafted glands to make a clitoris
These operations are always hit or miss

An evolution of the self-destructing human parasite
A revolution, an advancement of human technology
A dissection, of the birth-given sexual organs
A solution, to the world's overpopulation

Now for the fun part, I introduce this
My new cradle of Judas
Perineal puncturing device also juices the fruit of the human
As force is applied, grinding and winding intestines and
Inside around it like a drill bit, turns anatomy into a visceral
Swill grating, excavating and making its way through the
Body like a bore, finding its way out the
Mouth announcing the gore

Cattle decapitation  

Metric black Saturday Emily Haines Krcl 2018 good new music

https://youtu.be/lVn2UM8-sKI

Used to be good me of the rotten ones and I liked you for that

2018 iphone notesLOGIC NF someonestole my phone finding iphone

april 2018

Tattoo tie coming out if vent in the voyeur Netflix doc

Write a story about Chris dying - everyone in my life dying and can be a compilation feature “everything  dies”

Spine long tattoo

Moon phases - 

leaves changing 

A sliver of a landscape beach moon

Snake 

Murmur

Country clouds corn bread pudding corn bread 

Cosmic fog milk and honey 

APORIL 2018 

What I like about myself

Sense of style 

Understanding 

Integrity 

Movie lover 

Resilience 

Awesome sense of style

Loving

Loveable

Good cook

Fast reader good reader

Technologically savvy 

Open 

Caring 

Trusting 

Captivating 

Cool 

Perfect nose - amazing bone strucure

Beautiful eyes 

Analytical 

Assertive 

Powerful 

Creative 

Fun 

Warm 

Gentle 

Calm 

Good dad 

Good friend 

Blunt/ honest

Sharing 

Giving 

Believable convincing 

Easy to be around

Cool tattoos / 

Fast with computers 

Good at typing fast on phone 

Good at Mac

Good at writing 

Adventurous 

Forgivable 

Forgiving 

Resourceful

 In tune 

Brave 

Realistic 

Good smeller 

Great dresser 

Clean 

Waiting for my dog to eat the booger on my finger.  I first encountered  a girl named savanna  at the park. I met  up with her tonight. I was happy to see her.  She tells me shes awkward . I see her dripping gorgeous.  I love her to death. She has a boyfriend.  

She"so how is Justus doing"

I love her saying my name.

She has the best style and energy.  Her face is a 10 for me because it's different beauty. Her smile it's intoxicating.her eyes are perfectly apart big nightmare before Christmas eyes . Flawless lips.  Flawed teeth that make them a part of her character.  Her adorable classy blue dyed bob hair.  

We sat on the grass crossed our legs to talk.  Some small chat

I shared with her the experience of losing roxy. I held her while she got the anesthetic. I felt her spirit float out of her body holding her. 

Savanna answers

She had a sharpie 4 years old pass away. I alkee how.  It fell off a cliff when they were hiking - she had to go find it and carry him to vet. She wasn't able to put it out of its misery 

L

Resisting

Morning

Neck

Body throat

Tooth decay 

Family 

Yoga 

Life 

Organization

Cleanliness 

Preparation 

I Planning 

Past 

Present 

Future 

Vitality 

Flexibility 

Reading 

Judging 

Exercise 

Discomfort 

Energy 

Spending 

MARCH 2018

Rinse my body slip between test glass . teeth kneading fingers slipped into sleep through sleeves of grass stuck up through me 

I spread like salt n pepper in the skyraining queer sheets of ice fall from the atmosphere into earth 

Planets survive beading of universal snow flake flakes I cover tight ground six inches maybe 

My cup overfilling but not spilling a drop my focal point consciousness let’s have a talk. 

The snow can’t talk. The snow won’t talk anymore. 

I can feel everything in my body inside this round room this round room covered in curtains yellow red blue

Levitation 

Lev- I ration like Pink Floyd’s another brick in the wall 

I did each year into the ground 

I’m born each day 

Eightcj eithcj records eech 

I’m feep in this biological lump of organs skin shielded factory of all alludin blue curtains blue rug 

December blue towels blue cars December blue towels blue cars December I saw talent through my eyes as a door. Fave site that leeches in my skull cowards bend the knee

Sour diesl 

Pineapple dope 

Bishop Cap cactus

The simple, spare shape of Astrophytum ornatum looks striking with a decorative gravel mulch and a substantial ceramic pot. Stiff spikes cover deeply ridged spheres, which can attain several feet in height. The plants often develop a white frosty coating that may look like a disease, but is actually a defense mechanism to protect the plant from the sun. Water infrequently and provide plenty of hot sunny conditions if you want to see the yellow blooms develop. 

of 08

Barrel Cactus

The Ferocactus genus lives up to its name of fierce cactus, covered as it is with long, rigid spines that protect its juicy, edible pulp. The barrel cactus may live for many decades and eventually reaches a maximum height of 8 to 10 feet when growing outdoors. As a houseplant, the barrel cactus craves as much sun as you can provide, and scant irrigation coupled with a loose, sandy potting mix. 

JAn 29 2018

Gym substance abuse 

David bowie low

Symphonic.com 

Make videos - Sunday 

network with strippers - for music videos 

What’s your name what’s the name of your album.

How long have you been rapping ? 

Where are you from?

Who are some influences?

Valley girls

Forbidden fruit

The Bee Hive

American Beauty

The Girls next door

Cuties with a booty

SLC Babes

Hidden talent

Pasties

dec 102u87

Psychedelic album  

Black hole

Hold still - 

Reoccurring

Adult swim 

Caccoon

Cherub 

Gender 

Black hole 

Moon phase 

Heart murmur 

Binoculars 

Tap water 

Astro knot

Solar plower  

Slower 

Faster 

Solar power

Power to the poles 

Tucker 

Bandit 

Release 

Cover can you feel it - can you feel the way you move your body can you feel the way I move my body can you feel it when I touch your body 

Quad dirty joe with honey 

Friends let other friends die 

He spent his last days with me 

Such an honor 

MAy 15 2017

She speaks through the wind 

Let him figure it out 

Don't give it up don't give it up

I wonder if he's ever lost somebody

You gotta love somebody you've gotta lose somebody 

To

Loud noises

Give me a reason to move 

Coming out of Left field 

She put her hand on my sleeve 

Gold chained wrist to wrist

Laugh back at me now

Try to bring the hate to me now

One forever doesn't count unless Thur lean drop 

Wiggly wiggle it

Drop dat ass on my jeans she put her ass in my jeans her put her ass all up on his Jeans

Your the one from my dreams 

Joke omg  hiking up her skirt 

Awaken 

The core inside 

Band name inner child

Around now before the death of my cigarette. Burnt fingers on the tip of my tongue go down baby move down going down down down die. Down. 

Tattoo adsr 

Tatyana 

Guitar pedal 

Karaoke -

HP 2.16GhZ 2gb RAM 32gb ssd USB 3.0 Windows 8.

VHS player

VCR 

Under dresser and in tape battery 

Feel guilty 

Using 

Sadness

Anger 

Happiness

Porn

Sex 

Help

Work 

Money

Spending 

Medication 

Not working 

Stealing

Treating my ex badly 

Lying

Taking advantage 

Please don't be mad at me- I know I should have contacted you before. I went to clip my finger nails and saw this envelope foil -it had a paper folded around  meth - I am throwing away the rest of it  it - I just smoked some though in the shed not In the house and I regret it so much. Please try not to be mad I want to tell you so you can help support. Seriously it was a bad thing 

 '

Do you have film footage that needs som editing? If you need help creating or editing a project I am a professional that has been making music and movies for over 10 years.

I have 3 years of experience In New  York City recording studios and FM RADIO. 

I graduated from the Conservatory of Recording Arts and Sciences. 

I have certification in:

Pro Tools

Logic Pro

Reason

Final cut X

Ableton live 9

I am very original and can create any music you need I compose with hardware and software. 

I play instruments and compose music on the computer. I can create original melodies or jingles for whatever you need. I can also record voice overs for film. Add foley sound effects to video. I can help with advanced editing on audio and video. 

If you need anything I'm your man. I'm here to help your creative vision come to life 

If you need to record an album or even a relaxing meditation tape. Maybe a book on tape I can supply you with recording and you can just speak the book and I will even transcribe it for you. 

So if you need an editing guy to help you bring your creation to life please text or call to schedule a free consultation

Who uses me:

Filmmakers 

Bands/Musicians 

Voice over book on tape

Writers

Cartoonist

Film makers 

Other services.

Radio station archiving 

Editing speeches

Recording weddings

Recording events

Creating a movie 

Creating a commercial

Filming

Photography 

Original logo design 

Again call me or text :) 

Very reasonable rates. 

Christmas 

Winter came and I am obsessed with it I am always feeling it calling it names. Cave in when it's time to cave in. Let the dreamer sleep and the sleeper dream frozen stamped. Strectchimg ice circle thin 

Cracking from inside

Cave in

Never had siblings 

But you're a brother to me 

In this death stabbing cold to the bone sting . I'm dragging myself around. It's morning, afternoon, evening , the witching hour, dragging myself through life 

Dragging myself through this 

My stomach nests a deadling

 Wet tires

The gloomy air of a metal change

Morning dawn 

My shadow hung like a Diablo character 

Numb awaiting the rise of the sun 

Counter balance to the moon 

Pa

Clear the dirt from your stomach turn her inside out 

What would you name your children 

Would you want to sail the ocean by yourself 

 Mom- hang over shoulder lamp 

The trees have leaves

Sky blue screen 

Instead of feelings 

Less now stings more 

Door to door 

Locking the key 

Walk with my leashe

Two in front of me

Left right beat feet 

Sting on the hot concrete

Cracked fingers 

Lotion stings 

I squeeze it on 

I accept 

Grandma 

Dewayne

Scott 

Mikey 

Rose 

Jesse bohanan

Ryan Rudd

Derek ney

Rashelle brown 

Skylar Smith 

Nadine’s Mejia 

Nadine

Greg Jon 

Neighbors

Lindsay aunt Lori

Bill Clinton 

Joey Caruso 

Cindy my mom 

Ryan bonnet 

Josh 

Josh rabino 

I accept Brandon gauchay

I accept Gary 

I accept Sabina 

I accept Mikey 

I accept Scott’s wife Mardy

I accept Tony woods 

I accept Nate bruin

I accept Timmy 

I accept robin Williams 

I accept Desiree

I accept John Bruin 

I accept jayce walker 

I accept Jace Hansen 

I accept grandma Della 

I accept grandpa Wayne 

I accept Amanda Hutchins

I accept Shane Grule 

I accept drip 

I accept the police

I accept Everette Thompson 

I accept randy from r 

I accept victor blandon 

I accept brenden B.B.

I accept centennial vp

I accept Kira Davis 

I accept Candace noble 

I accept kid cud 

I accept Jed

I accept Shane 

I accept Allan 

I accept Sabina 

I accept Jen draped

I accept kaylee ficklin 

I accept Donald Glover 

I accept Andy Bergman 

I accept lacy vanirman 

I accept Shino the guy 

I accept devin York 

I accept Nadine’s new boyfriend

I accept Maya’s boyfriend 

I accept Linda

I accept Joel 

I accept shaylene Mathews 

I accept kaylin 

I accept Michelle Davis

I accept michaela

I accept the watchers

I accept my fears

I accept my personality

 I accept my teeth 

I accept Suzi

I accept Danny

I accept Shane Winn

I accept Wyatt lindly

I accept Jordan Peters 

I accept Riley peters 

I accept Tom York 

Li accept Ruth’s husband

I accept Ruth

I accept carol verbecky 

I accept yoko ono. 

I accept Tristan 

I accept the missionaries 

I accept mike Salazar

I accept cat allergies 

I accept tommy foresman

I accept first fight spencer

I accept jail house thief 

I accept Andrew wood

I accept Tyler Morton I accept Asian joe

I accept cheeses my cousin 

I accept Braden alread 

I accept Lynn moms BFF accept my fear I accept my energy I accept the ghosts i accept that I’m afraid of ghosts and I’m afraid to be alive I accept that I accept I am the focus of a hidden cameramanaaa surveillance Trial run I accept the governmentx  is controlling my vibrations w

July 13 2018d

Rinse my body slip between test glass . teeth kneading fingers slipped into sleep through sleeves of grass stuck up through me 

I spread like salt n pepper in the skyraining queer sheets of ice fall from the atmosphere into earth 

Planets survive beading of universal snow flake flakes I cover tight ground six inches maybe 

My cup overfilling but not spilling a drop my focal point consciousness let’s have a talk. 

The snow can’t talk. The snow won’t talk anymore. 

I can feel everything in my body inside this round room this round room covered in curtains yellow red blue

Levitation 

Lev- I ration like Pink Floyd’s another brick in the wall 

I did each year into the ground 

I’m born each day 

Eightcj eithcj records eech 

I’m feep in this biological lump of organs skin shielded factory of all alludin blue curtains blue rug 

December blue towels blue cars December blue towels blue cars December I saw talent through my eyes as a door. Fave site that leeches in my skull cowards bend the knee

Sour diesl 

Pineapple dope 

dec 22 2017

Psychedelic album  

Black hole

Hold still - 

Reoccurring

Adult swim 

Caccoon

Cherub 

Gender 

Black hole 

Moon phase 

Heart murmur 

Binoculars 

Tap water 

Astro knot

Solar plower  

Slower 

Faster 

Solar power

Power to the poles 

Tucker 

Bandit 

Release 

I chose vitruvian based on future personal growth and understanding, to weed out the people I want to know and to sift out then people that don’t care 

Look into the glass camera 

Face mirror 

Deteriorating skin melting over bone a body full of bones 

My core  is an empty broken heater.blood filling up a 2 liter of diabetes it’s ok 

A 2 liters the cure 

I drink 44ounces 4

R

4

R

4x4

dec 2017

Symphonic.com 

Make videos - Sunday 

network with strippers - for music videos 

What’s your name what’s the name of your album.

How long have you been rapping ? 

Where are you from?

Who are some influences?

Valley girls

Forbidden fruit

The Bee Hive

American Beauty

The Girls next door

Cuties with a booty

SLC Babes

Hidden talent

Pasties

NOV 2017 numb lump

Atma

Justus CARUSO NEW MUSIC 2017

https://www.facebook.com/justuscarusosounds/
https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso

https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso/summerain-contact-for-price
1 HOUR LIVE PERFORMANCE WITH KAOSS PAD 3 and NOVATION CIRCUIT
https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso/summerain-contact-for-price


https://soundcloud.com/digitalinfiniti

homeless shelter

in the nook of mountains forged a small warm community that devoted the subtle movements strung toghterher into modest lives of mormon pioneer people.  the city grew and has always been economically sound.  there was a place where most rejects went even somewhere that was out of bounds for police to trespass.  the homeless shelter became the hub of money and drugs in the whole state.  imagine the hallway of a brooklyn projects multiplied by oakland corner drug dealers and all the crack dens poorer into one melting pot of sinister existence.  kids aged 10 - 35 with their pulled up face masks, occasional wool blanket and hungry look in their eyes.  the mexicans dominated the west end crosswalk corner where anyone walking across was pummeled with hispanic shouting you could only understand is, i have drugs if you need gringo.  I never spoke spanish but always planned on it.  during a desperate impulse a young man named cramer finally decided to see what this “shelter” was all about.  he had heard stories from aquantences in rehab.  he asked advice from one of these friends and they said to go to the porter potties in the back of the shelter.  this is where cramer encountered the spanish attack as he squoze his muscles upward and walked directly to the line of orange plastic outdoor bathrooms.  on the way he made eye contact with an old black crack head, he said “i’m looking for tina”  the crackhead tried to get him to round the corner and cramer just kept walking to the heart of what looked like the junkie land.  everyone moving back and forth so quickly saying ‘what you need, black, white, needles”  cramer was ddrunk on his friends leftover vodka that was the only way he could handle going to such a place alone.  it was like a dope heads dream, the slum of slums all dumped by the mall that was built years ago for the olympic games.  he decided something he learned in jail, and that was to stick to his own race.  he liked black people so it was easy for him to almost be lead away by them but decided it was best to stick with his own race. he found a guy who helped him buy a stringe from a black guy standing in front of the porter potty, step one get a syringe and step two get meth to shoot for his first time, he usually smoked the pickle jar frankenstein soul deafening substance.  but this time he was adventurous before going to the shelter he had sold his original pressing of the beatles white album to a failing head shop record store for $20  so he was ready to get something for it.  he used to love crack, then things changed.  the guys said they can’t get meth , just crack.  when he heard this his heart skipped a couple beats and eventually was able to reply “i like crack, i want to ttry before i buy so i don’t get burned”  the friends friend telephone line of people confirmed this was ok, and the first guy he had spoken to pulled out his pipe and handed it to cramer.  cramer had forgotten the delicate teqnique that burnt minds had learned after hundreds of wasted dollars and throbbing hot fingers.  he put the white smudge on and tried to melt it into the brillo pad.  this was a failed as he dropped the bowl and they loaded another.  he then had a shitty out door hint taste of vaporized cocaine and was urged to pay the money which he fumbled out and handed over.  the dealer handed him a purple pill bottle with two flat white “rocks”.  he went to open one and asked to use the new “friends” pipe he spilled more and loaded a hit, hit it, loaded a young hispanic boy in his 20’s a hit and he would trade his pipe to him.  chris was the other guy a sweet talking 35 year old from gainsville florida.  he was annoyed with the insane scene of hooded outcasts, pacing behind him, pulling liquid into syringes in clear daylight.  he had decided to ask if chris wanted to cruise and he would share his pipe for share of drugs.  they crossed past the bubbling low life dead beat hollywood to the mall where he had parked his car.  the chris guy proved himself on many occasions and helped me find my car.  so we were off looking for :a chill spot to smoke” we took hits all over the city only staying for a little while at each one, he enjoyed the inhale and then was back to the feeling of need with every exhale.  he had forgotten the stupid blind hungry that followed with submitting to the billow and pipe.  chris had lit the pipe for him so he wouldn’t fuck it up and char it, which in his finding state of mind would shave happened so fast.  he smoked all of it saving none.  and was left with an irritated man smoking black tar heroin.  he dropped him off after exchanging life stories told in fast forward and exchanging numbers.  he drove to a big lots shopping center where he relieved his bladder not he way out he hadn’t touched anything but the shoplifting sensors flared as he ignored and walked past a tied up pit bull screaming at him for blood.   he called and texted all contacts he knew directly in the city and eventually convinced a childhood friend he needed gas money to get home.  she didn’t give him cash, he picked her up and she filled his tank and he was able to talk 15 green faces out of her and drop her back at work, he called chris who was definitely left on an annoyed note and chris was very happy to hear from him and he parked and met up with the florida 35 year old.  he said lets get singles for all 15 so when i hand it to alex it will feel like more money, he never looked at the money.  i trusted this junkie with a little money and we went to the front of the shelter in search of ALEX , he saw alex and so did everyone else, he told me “alex is the shit he comes out once a day and has the best dope, we can get 2 white 2 black for this he won’t count the money”  we were the first to reach alex when my personal bubble was infiltrated by 20 hungry wolves and i and lost chris in the mix.  i was standing there trying to act like i was keeping watch, and was coming to terms with how chris ripped me off when thank god the florida failed salesman had called my cell phone.  thats how i knew this was a good crackhead junkie if anything, even if he lied about his current situation he was excited about alexs goodies and we went to my car where we drove and smoked and i enjoyed this a little emote because i was prepared to instantly say goodbye to the good feeling, and he said smoking heroin after would chill the finding which it did.  we popped around and i had 1 memorable crack hit and the heroin was cool.  chris listened to cramer read a short story he had written with no purpose other that to share his twisted mind.  chris told cramer how weird he looked at the shelter wrongly hitting the crack pipe.  cramer had managed to offend and confuse very homeless lost humans.  that was something that made cramer proud, he also was very happy to have chris excited about this writing as he read his short story to him and they passed a sheet of tinfoil between each other that looked like it was made out of a burger kind sandwich wrapper.  he shared more about his life and then cramer tried to muster up another $20  he got from a girl younger than him from georgia he usually used for sex, this time he got $20 out of her after a long frustrating wait while she got back from starbucks.  luckily cramer got chris back to the sheltingshelter in time for curfew so his bed wouldn’t be lost.  before he left we spent the $20 and he let me smoke all the crack to myself while he held the flame…that was nice of him he thought.  then he drove with his head down nodding and fiending back to his more local scene.  he has been obsessed with the entire existence of the shelter that must have millions flooding through it in drugs and single bills each week.  he never got a chance to use his syringe and even though had met a verbally absusive career drug addict felt kind of gypped, of course everything he spent he shared and he didn’t see how much chris put in his pocket for himself later, but his goal was accomplished and he even met a famous person, a comoditee named alex that was to be treasured and cherished on a silent lonely plane.  this place fucking exists .

DOWNLOAD my music FREE -Justus Caruso (painforest666) NEW ALBUM!!! NEW MUSIC 2015

DOWNLOAD ALL RECENT RELEASES FREE HERE
https://www.mediafire.com/folder/5nhwcai27f9l4/Music

NEW MUSIC VIDEO
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fM8pLFVGmCo&feature=youtu.be


NEW ALBUM
https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso/sets/kissing-others-2015-new-album-hellgenereation

TROOTH

i recently agreed with a  homeless man about the governments ability to read our minds and effect it with certain frequencies.  I’m not sure how, but its most likely true.  if stem cell research exists god knows how many people have obsessed and devoted their entire life to tapping into the human metaphysical map.  the string of thoughts that statistically lead to every action.  think slow and be slow, be accessed slow.  think fast and be a stream of commands typed into the new machine of human decline.  if we are in charge, how come we are desensitized to the true poverty? they would appreciate and take advantage of any learning or connection. is this because they are so low on the totem pole that they are not a part of the tree of human being.  i just don’t know if they can see through my eyes, after every dynamic opposing hunch or thought. my mind disagrees instantly claiming the societal belief of mental illness.  i’m just delusion ally paranoid.  they’d rather focus the energy of my thoughts on hurting myself or nodding to authority than me thinking outside the box and freeing my own beating humanity. this computer exists and is sold through them.  they are using my hands.  a knock on my door, they are here. to shut this up.

self help (short story)

SELF-HELP a memoir of the secret thoughts of Lester H. DaMolestre.

PREFACE
Lester says to his girlfriend ":why do i want to continue the cycle of being down and why do i ask myself why other people put up with me before i bother to ask ME why i put up with ME.  I truly want to stop living the way i have been hiding all this bs."

and so our story starts….deep seated at the base of a confused human psychi,

the town i was born in an chose to stay in has always crawling with cowboy boots and nascar hats.  its basically like creating something and then telling it straight up, "you will never have what  makes you reel whole-this my son is not possible.  Instead we are born into this world and no one has the courtesy of telling us that its all fucked and everyone has holes they fill with smoke, dicks, and food but no one is happy feeling the cave between the front and back of them.  their core.  I assume core strengthening exists to give a little bit of an illusion you can thicken the sides out until they touch, filling the  void inside.  this doesn't work.  core exercises are a way of selling housewives the regurgitated yoga ball video they never watched in 1982.  now they can straighten their spine and reach up , which is another ridiculous misconception about self.  a straight back is a sign of some sort of unnatural locked muscle spasm.  we were never in tended to have out chest out and back straight.  this misconception will present itself in multiple ways in a  young adults life, working at a burger place "working on" himself, his posture, his level of being that is relaxed.  he will watch the hunk ladies man in the group of 30 or so mixed ethnicity young people.  He will notice how striving to fix himself all day really hurts by lunch break, and he has to smoke twice as many cigarettes to talk himself into keeping up the good work.   the hunk will remain relaxed and slack while flipping burgers, he works a double without a lunch and his face and body show no signs of pain.  while the young gullible bastard that read somewhere to pull upward and put shoulders down and back is contorting and twisting to the sky trying to fake confidence and enjoying life.  this is sad.  this boy will attempt  to improve and correct himself for the next 8 years because its what he read probably in a magazine, inside a dream after too much coffee after a day of wondering why life hurts so much and physically can't relate to others.  he will acquire a great friend, someone who is fatherless too.  they will share a pipe on weeknights and weekends, share stories and feelings.  this friend would be slouched, sometimes even rolling asleep staring at his solar bone.  the boy liked how his friend looked and was considered of a similar build.  he just couldn't understand how people could relax enough to fall asleep in public,  or at friends.  he never trusted someone enough to let his guard down and be seen not trying hard with no results to improve his life  like some sort of martyr.  His friend sat their in his chair asleep while the boy carefully removed the pipe from his finger and thumb and loaded what remained of the strangely black high grade marijuanna on his friends desk.  he took the bowl to the bathroom and stood staring at himself blank in the mirror.  his inner voice had a hint of sarcasm and cruelty saying "you will never be good enough, you've been working on your posture for 8 years," in those 8 years the only people he met that worked on their posture were idiots, whores, and fools.  never making the connection between himself trying for something that was flat out wrong, and his old body the way he used to feel as a child completely care free of eyes, or vertical alignment.  what was he missing that after all these years? why wasn't him correcting himself working?  a normal person a kind friend might suggest he was never broken, he burned the block in the pipe and thought "i'm broken beyond repair" as he disappeared behind the thick exhale of what tasted like a strange incense he had an unexplainable vision.   he did not exist, there was no him to fix, he simply was a movement in a fisheyes lens at the end of a hallway of mirrors. he felt no judgement as he watched this being morph into all other forms you could imagine, either slinking or exploding right when you thought it would settle.  there was no he to be fixing, he was the same as everything else which is carefully broken in this world.


memories
the boy had been awoken to a banging on the bathroom, he must have fallen asleep staring at himself in the mirror.  he linked eyes with himself before he turned to open the door.  it was not a critical hateful glare that gazed back but a soft innocent vulnerability you would recognize from a horse or a dog.  the door banged and he unlocked the handle and swung it open, it was his friends roommate, he was  invasive and rude as usual, but the boy did not flinch like he normally was used to automatically agreeing with the lack of acceptance from the outside world.  he knew he was just as wrong as they thought and he was ashamed and sorry for it, apologizing at the floor while trying to have a straight back.  no, this time the boy just walked through the accuser.  he stepped through his body which had no change in temperature, then his vision exploded as he walked all the way through the other human being.  the human froze still in mid fist shaking at the bathroom door, he was facing the mirror deeper on, he toke note of this for some reason.  The boy turned early into the white hallway wall and proceeded through its thin layer into the other roommate, her name was shannon he always remembered because of the size of her tits.  she was getting humped like a tortoise from behind by her greasy boyfriend from south of france.  the boy stood behind the flapping asses and took a step forward, his shoulders slumped and cool relaxation. the humans fucking had froze just like he for some strange reason knew they would.  he stayed inside the  girl for a while and look ed at a mud die strange hole that had an almost hose like sys tem from her lower chest to the holes in her mouth, ass and cunt.  the veins that lead to it were  frozen in a guzzling beating motion that looked like they were delivering needed food to the muddy dark hole.  it was strange to see something so jelly fish like inside a human.  what had he smoked, or what had smoked him in the bathroom he thought was just pot?  he carried on with a disgustsd look on his face, for having such huge tits, he was disappointed at how ugly and needy the endless pit inside of shannon was.  he did some more exploring walking through the 3rd story of the entire apartment complex built out of old brownstones in bedford stuyvesant brooklyn new york.  he was amazed as he could travel with this super like power, never stretching in an akward unnatural direction, just flowing on with his childlike curiosity never guessing twice at what he felt and was shown.  the hasedic jews 2 stairways down were in the middle of changing their first borns first diaper, the child revealed a hole like shannons that took up the entirety of the babes body, the parents hands were like fat snakes swallowing a tiny mammal leading from the translucent oversized hole disguised as a newborn.  the parents chubby caterpillar tubes lead to a unique deep suction looking hole in her chest, and his lower stomach around the bellybutton where his pants were belted around much to tight.  i stared for a while and decided i don't need to know what that is.  the child freaked me out, it was like a black hole or inversion of life, taking bricks of it off the parents and laying rows of walls in himself, stealing the already half dead married couples life-force what was sure to be every minute.  the newborns eyes looked like a predator not that of a horse of friend of man.  his sinister lack of grin and eyes was all made up for in a strange sense that it was not aware of others.  only of itself.  I scurried down to the street , everything was going on at normal speed, but so colorful, and when i made physical contact with whatever it was stopped and froze and slowly darkened like blinds being pulled revealing the innards and what was happening on a purely spiritual or metaphysical plane.  i could see summaries of what makes these people breathe, and most of it was the same as shannons a big fat hole wired to some important part of them if not multiple.

I went to broadway and headed towards my street, I was in deep understanding of what i'd been watching, not thought or judgement just a silent approval. i walkd like a stray dog that was just fed, strutting the neighborhood looking for whatever would pull its attention.  everything pulled my attention it had been 3 sun up and 5 sun downs somehow since i had left the mirror at my friends.   i was examining everything like the first bikini poster i saw as a very young boy, getting close so i can smell the magazine and not knowing what i should do with the parts of myself that reacted.  although i wanted more, i was carefree.  i was absorbing the truth about life, and i promised without promising i would never forget what lies beneath the surface.  i would always remember the alien starvation that comes from a biased intelligence on an overgrowded lump of matter.  we were all protruding and intruding at the same borders, like we were instantly killing every breath we had, like we were putting a knot at the end of our capabilities to keep us grounded to our great spirit earth.  it didn't feel all as one however like my vision that lead me to this what i now know as extreme temporary enlightenment.  its funny the black weed i smoked was salvia soaked in fremaldyde (PCP)  so I had initially experienced ego loss and then relaxed my spine which had been clenched ffor almost a decade.  the relaxation released a rare hormonal change that has never been felt before.  its like holding down a jack in the box, and with every year the steel strengthens then when its released it breaks through the box containing itself and stretches towards the sky.  i had floated learning about our truth for about 40 days and i assume the same number of nights.  I didfnt stop for anything, everything stopped for me, the unleashed inner supercharged ultra innocence i had been squeezing since my first self help book.  the opposite, do yourself a favor and never try and fix yourself, you'll just end up fucking yourself up so bad nothing can reverse the damage.  even quadruple that amount of self love and praise.

I am taken back to my critical self when for some reason the brick wall of the corner store doesn't let me defile it by mocking its solicity.  I smack my knee first and in less than a second my head with a hard thick slap.  the sound reminds me of how everyone in the 9th grade got to gather after school to watch an interracial "pawg" video at my friend cases house.  all the kids smoked weed exclusively off of tinfoil , much like one would chase a melting chunk of black tar heroin…this never worked with the low grade tobacco based" pot" we were dealt with back then and one kid must have caught his older brother smoking sheets of cocain or heroin, then that same kid sought out marijuanna because thats what his brother had told him he was doing, he then convinced himself he was getting ass over dick baked via this faulty method and showed his friend, who had the same strong hypocondriact tendencies and believed he was high. when in reality the 9th grad was just toasting marijuanna buds like bread, it would make them smell moderately but never smoke…its strange how people claimed they smoked such a big hit the night before they actually blew out smoke.  invicles.  confused boners with misdirected interests.  we were at myles on the sofa watching this blonde "phat ass white girl" "taking huge loads from BBC:  I thought it was british but later learned it meant BIG BLACK COCK.  the feeling reminded me of watching that video the smack of her thick thighs being pounded poolside by some thug her husband owed money to.  this made the exact same sound of my tripped out freak experience coming to a quick end as mother natures big black wall didn't budge as i paraded without hesitation into it.. it was strange how fucked i felt, ts like my spine cocked back when i hit and snapped forward like a slingshot when i flattened out in the middle of the sidewalk.  habits from correcting my posture made me pull up when i had a hunch i was punching myself with a wall, this dislocated my head until i landed and my head crawled slowly back to my neck like a ski dish baby crab.  after the flash of fat pussy and thighs getting pile driven i thought about crabs, my girlfriend told my friend that she got crabs from my other semi friend -rival character.  I heard through the grape vine what i wanted to keepswept under the denial rug created by such a gorgeous girl dating a guy like me.  all sorts fof things hid under there, like i wear the pants in the relationship, and 'she can't find someone as good as me' or even i'll weigh more than she does zoon to the blatant lies labeled truth under the rug- like 'i'm gonna be a good dad' and  she  is just a social drinker and 100% devoted to my mentally slippery, addiction ridden genetic makeup.  i know you didn't mean to twist such a god awful bad apple out of your week ring yang shaped body exploration.  but thanks I bet at that keg you didn't ask him who each others parents were, then weigh the pros and cons of the combination.   an abomination, i'm surprised my conscious voice hasn't started overlapping with my physical voice. theres a long history of that.  my crabs start itching as i'm laying there thinking about my first visual exploitation of a woman's holes, what i'd just experienced on my salvia endured PCP disassociation from the human race, and then i felt my head and knee as i was stuck on the confirmed taboo truth i was almost afraid to remember.  but i remember that i didn't want to forget exactly what it was like, that being said, thats all i could remember.  i forgot all pure truth and whatever my beautiful sacred mammal eyes gazed upon, i remember it as "I'm wrong and everyone is shit, babies are extra huge pieces of shit" with every word though in that sentence another was hammered to my inner skull on the soft shame reserved real estate i formally kept guilt.  but this was shame like reading a sing a long song " babies are extra huge pieces of shit" this tiny green version of key hoved watching the words highlight from left to right in that yellow fuzzy outline that went to the beat of magic school bus, or mother goose videos.  that green fairy also hammered them with a giant pickaxe backend in reverse almost like it knew what i had said but working on the last letter of the first word.  he was a bastard, he burned that in as HERE LIES A BASTARD  ….  it made me pay for what i couldn't help, all my life i've made myself pay, others never cared how much i've strived for absolute harmony and perfection.  i was so hard because i maintained a nice living room, sure there was hair growths behind the picture frames, lizard skin at the chandelier base, and even finaly ground and scented denial swept under the rug.  to myself i could think ok this is good i'm doing good, while ignoring all my instinct just to appear like what i thought i should be….i should have never started thinking i should be anything other than what I was.  that godamned power of now book, that calm talking third eyed half indian half godly eckahrt toley and his power of fallse blasphemous lies was labeled as undetectable good thoughts.  and somehow became more believed than the truth , because it sounds good.  an addict doesn't have a vision and stop being an addict like his story told, an addict has a vision then wakes up in the ER from an overdose or hears a familiar sound and is brought to the top of the psychedelic formula and skis down to the bottom only to be brought up again until  the drug whears off.. but this mother fucker actually hear a bird, and then quit his job and became some sort of neo folky sidartha monk figure douching around parks looking totally intense pissing off the park bench while sitting normally.   he calls this pure being.  now the bastards rich….and even christian households own at least a burnt cd audio book of his manipulative bank account targeting the easiest of the easiest, the part of the flock that doesn't believe in themselves.  its sad that self help is a genre, inventory even.  and this story is aimed at all you pre pubescent teeny boppers thinking all deep listening to that generations version of the cure, you are just going through puberty, and when you're finished going through it , it will feel exactly like going through it and just know that its you and you're ok and your poster is going to suck because its the computer age, and your family is going to be dysfunctional because they speak english in america and your body will try and reveal the simple obvious signs to you by  disobeying and fighting back, tricking you into making you think your wrong, when your bodies just saying its right to be wrong.   two negatives equal a wrong, three positives equal fabricated wants sheared by your forefathers across every generation getting more misjudged and inverted, slit opened tithed up and screwed sideways that anal sex will be weird…just wait anal sex will soon be the smarter sex, and why you think that is because of pornography. you used to believe the asshole was gross to see in the same shot as dick going in vagina, now its clearly the better hole because it magically feels better than the other, you won't be fooled by this illusion long.  the asshole is inferior to pussy and mouth in texture and lubrication, but where it gets its winning points is it is painful.  not just some discomfort like oral sodomy, it is a forced tearful instantly regretted  sin done by only the truest of lovers.  only to be agreed to upon drunken deal bet sex, or quit smoking cigarettes for a designated period.  these normal things may be rewarded with smelly brown leaking  butt sodomy if your partner really loves you that is.  also girls who ACTUALLY read more bukowski that you have even though when you met them they had lied about reading him, now surpass you in manliness and are more badass and comfortable with aged morally deficient drunkard ideas and themselves than you'll ever be.  you will also learn that you usually quite like something you could have sworn to black jesus you hated, this is just a phase that you will eventually love or hate again, opinions are like shit…they change with what you eat.  and my final advice to whoever will get a scrambled translation of my shame brain bulletin board as i lay on a shitty sidewalk bleeding out with a fat black woman holding my head doubling the current of blood gushing from my right ear, cutting my final 5 minutes into 2.5 i think i wanted to tell you to  agree with yourself. it will generally hurt to be alive, you are a mutant struggling combination of things that should go together , so don't think your less than others because others will always keep this secret tightly locked on top of their denial rugs, they will never cut themselves open and ask others questions they know no one can know the answer to. they don't do this because they aren't nearly as gifted with the presence of self some more or less evolved differently other people can be.  live life lovingly, trust what is there , help others be favored in general comfort, if you like someone look at why you like them, and though you are most likely very different still take into account what attributes  are stacked under the attraction you have for the  kindred spirit.  do you have similar flaws?  they fill your whole and you theirs, and all holes are lacking no matter what the size each one is missing more than it can handle living without.

Lester H. DaMolestre' was rushed to the hospital where he died in the ambulance on the way, the EMT knew him from high school and held a murderous grudge.

and remember Lester in his sac relig makeshift grave stuffed with VHS videos and alive with crabs that spawned herpes swords on the back-
don't help yourself !!!!

https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso/sets/self-help

rip joey caruso

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1f6NMeZT8o3RFlma0JrOHpyMGs/view?usp=sharing

rip joey caruso just

another october

i have been feeling afraid.  I had no idea this was fear until recently.  it masked itself in the most bizarre ways.  I am afraid to try anything.  I am scarred to get to know anyone because they will eventually die…possibly before me.  I'm scared to death of death.  I always pretended like I didn't care I had no god.  because I was stuck.  I have a fear of jobs, why is it another fantasy world i've created of hell.  I find old things I owned.  i'm afraid of being paid for my passion. i'm afraid of feeling what i am.  

https://soundcloud.com/justuscaruso/another-october

droplets

health droplets picked up along the way by injecting canisters of liquid to the guts.  I had a umbilical cord modification to feed without my mouth.  open, insert twist.  sometimes the connection isn't tight and it spurts hot bile on my hands which burns and smells for days after.  i lace up my sticky sap covered boots to pile my shit up the mountain hoping to get to the other side.  the way up is still slippery from the dirty snow.  its not how i used to know it.  glazed in feeces and colored blood red in some spots with an led glow to it.  my consciousness is skipping. i watch these bones wrapped in skin with the strangest part the face which creates some sort of translation of what the body feels.  my eyes are dead.  no literally my right eye has dryed up and makes a crunch as the crust flakes off like dandruff every time i look a direction.  my left eye sees but its blurry and things vibrate or my eye vibrates.  i click my belt on a holster full of aerosol protective spray, poison antedate and my vice, 8 canisters of what i feed my stomach. lock and load the road is long.

painstretched

the coolest kids in rehab

I have filled the space around the pit.  I've been squeezing it hard and tight.  The light hits me shattering around my emotional tentacles they wrap tighter around the memory of you.  As I sit with this hole in my stomach that just grows I don't want to move on.  I ask myself the hardest question, should I cut myself off?  Or do I really love this person and only her?  I can't watch I want my life to go on, but right now i'm sitting on the fence.

Got my iPhone back moving to cali right now brb

Without change something sleeps inside us and seldom awakens


Youth is hilarious

Contradiction
Contradiction
Eear closing plastic surgery
Fatly
Contradicting
Young

COMPUTERS THAT MAKE YOU CRY vol. 6

COMPUTERS THAT MAKE YOU CRY vol. 6

COMPUTERS THAT MAKE YOU CRY vol. 6

Demons in the aTtic - my friends grande filmaking debut

the tone tho
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzeNQR2Y6nI

use

you can't solve problems by use of other people.  its like jamming a large square into a small circle, guts come out

PAINFOREST666 -*2014 NEW ALBUM* Black Saphire

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeLEqMsNmsI&index=3&list=UUrWdpZvcxUmJQUe22bMHyPw



me "so you've been on your period almost the entire time we've been hanging out."
stranger "not the HOLE time, but yeah why?"
me "because i'm evil and evoke extreme biological reactions"
stranger "wut?"

slack

this is when the pain sickens me and I want to divert the blame into somebody or something else.  the bottom ribs ache and i'm not hungry anymore.  I agree with the things I heard back in time when I was relevant, dead youth.  

Life sciences magazine dripping wet sweat on my life dream.

Is that pain feeling the one that I call love?  Has everything i've ever loved been a desperate attempt to invest in something that Isn't true.  something to take the attention off of me.  I like to pretend I hate being the center of attention. 

feelings pass out when drowned.  i've got to stick with them and live with them. let them live not kill them.  they're me.  so many before me have written of this pain in songs that climb up the raveled life.  it never winds down.  a ribbon stuck at the end, do you just leave it caught or pull it off?

"blame it all on yourself cause she's always a woman to me"

goodbye summer

I woke up straddling the curb and a bright light in my face, last thing i remember i was hassling kids at the beach because they were in the place i planned on sleeping for the night.  The policemen asked what I was doing i said "trying to get your attention"  he was a fat mustached asshole, that called in reinforcements.  within the next 5 minutes there were 8 other cops surrounding me..   I had no where to go and the person I was meeting had left me hanging I said TEN o clock.  thats what you get for fucking with another mans girl.  the cops told me they would take me where i needed to go , but i had no where to go and no one to see.  my phone was dead, therefor the extenuation of my brain that held information was dead and unreachable.  I was telling them to take me to 7 eleven and one of them said times up and wiped my cheek to the asphalt and i heard and felt the cuffs click.

fuck

I was in their zone now. I was arrested.   I sat in the cop car as I watched them go through the contents of my backpack which was now my temporary home.  

Jail was shit.  I was in booking and the only thing to look forward to were junkies coming in and getting their food they wouldn't eat.  I had only one competitor for the food.  and it was a 50 year old professional junkie.  We were cool though.  I remember in booking I was saying I WASNT READ MY RIGHTs, and this power hungry bitch kept saying "this isn't law and order"  I replied saying "ii'v seen every episode." 

While I was there my mother decided it was a good idea to call in and say I was suicidal telling them about my youtube videos.  fuck.  Now i was really stuck up the ass and in the worst hell she knows is not good for me.