knock me down please

pretty soon there will be nothing, i will reach without thinking and fit into that perfect model maniquin drug addicts before me succeed to fill to the top. one thing i can never understand, the denial that goes with mass therapy, and the followers that believe it. i think its just like religion things don’t pan out like they tend to do, then you feel shitty so you replace them with an excuse of fake hope. the fakest hope that we all drop our bags when presented with.. dont you want to breath that air, that air that a baby breathes right wehn he leaves his first home, he drops like teenage balls ina na “adult” woman trying to say this is me. but you cant make your kid a better version of you, that is not how it works, to think so is a crazy wild thought that can be picked up by any other stray that happens to be floating aroudn when you hear it dont you love to hear the sound of fingers crackling wiht no mistake no st a distracted stance, i dont’ opping just you and what yoiu are what you right and becaome not like that sweaty dreaded girl with the high eyes and i dont know if she has found something great or if she just dropped it all, i think about dying almost every night when i soloute and trust whatever goes on.  dont you think kidneys feel? do you think its disgusting that we are taught nothing that is relavent to our well being, we are taught societys made up wardrobe that feeds the walking dead, they burrow in their taped off homes, something i can respect. i want to kill this keyboard righrt now it is a vessel for my bad attitude. non stop you look around you at the things you are with every morning, but youi don’t see them, you look into space thinking about something else something more in front of you and real than a haircut or a tied up lock on the back of your head. eventually that taste will turn bad and you will need something more, a kid can never make you what you need to be on your own, so why do you fantasize about that it is over and done, i know youre afraid of things never being like they were before, but trust it, change is possible in love, yes it will not be the crazy curious butterflies you felt going down the slide wiht the one you really love.  I guess it may be a better idea to stunt your thought so you fit in...so you agree with the rhythmic flow of the concerts you enver see right in the heart of it all you see the plague biking down a street that turns into a drop of water in a spoon that is brand new, so fun to use, so clean and real i wish my heart squirted every off beat please kick me cause if it occurs to you i might like it. which is not socially excetable, i’m having a realaly hard time adjusting to what is exceptable. in normal chill sessions with people i like sometime i lose control. i have lost control. and its hard to pick up which is what you need to do in this industry IE”the cocaine american apparel new york radio industry” is it an industry? i dont think i like industry very much i would rather sit hear and spit words at a screen that will see the candles i burn when its not on. jesus christ we are brainswashed by these screens, we are murdered and inacurate because of these red dotted lines under our words. when did reading stop being something to compfrehedn and something to watch and judge. when i read i feel completely alone and safe. everything is okay i am under the umbrella and the rain is really in us already. its comforting to meet another of your kind. i didn’t think they exist. i still don’t. fuckit it’s not something i can change. if i am proved wrong you will be the first person to tell my best friens that understands the clicking of my fingers in the night turned day. justus fucking christ. at the bar i introduced my self to a number of people, and this guy outside which looked like a sno bro, a cool guy still, sno bro is not a bad thing... /:  
Anyways i showed this fucking guy my idea to prove i was me, and he still didn’t belive it, i just brought my id in my back pocket instead of my whole wallet, cause i hate carrying....so i could see whipping out souly an Id is kind of strange or even planned seeming. have you ever kicked in front of you when you don’t feel the back. i will injest the air like a delicious scrumptious meal that i will scarf dwown and try to be real as i show the true colors no one will be blind they have seen them before my true colors are already what they are. so see them and think what you want because they are only me and something i can make but never change. what is change, is it giving in to the answer blowin gin the wind like boby d says? i think change is the acceptance of what is always going to be moving in front of you, you better get grounded and get used to it because its not going anywhere but more ridiculous and up. theank god i don’t have a tv thank god i dont have to stare into that mindless device that breeds small pupils and no love or self pleasure. don’t you want to take somebody home? is that on your to do list but something you are really not down wiht, cause i anted to get laid pretty bad tonight and i just fucking met and talked to a girl like a writer, of courser my wild fucking roomate brandon initiated the conversation while i was in the bathroom, then she talked to me and told me she was a writer of a blog.  jesus christ. i don’t know, i came here to meet people to collaborate with real people that won’t give my equal liveriam. is that what it is> a party pacer why would someone use a much more potent subestance to guide them through a party, seems kind of stupid to me. i wish i had a blog and small little cards like that girl that filmed bird call at the radio (that passage will only make sense to you justus) so christ stops once he stubs his to to swear and feel he is human to believe he is real to stop this insanity to hear these love songs without a love is retareded as the fucking next block you walk down. i listen to this song with people that are my friends and they get the wrong vibe. why cant you just enjoy the song with pure nostalgic value, why can’t you lay loose and hang in that hammock you built to do just that. you hit against the walls of the house and you see they arne what you thought before but a caugting sign of what came right before when you got out of the cab and reached for your walled you saw that cuban spread out on the pavement bleeding ambulance playing with the sirens as usual. you kill to get closer to it and see the human leak up front. we say out loud that it is a sleep over, thats why i never stay. if i have the option to wake up in my bed or someone elses i choose me everytime

left hand

Lately ive been masturbating with my left hand and it feels so fucking nice. omg i’m fglad i’ve waited this long to do it. oh my fucking god i just smoked a bowl, then came so hard i saw fireworks. this might sounds fucked up but i fantasized about having a really hot older sister and fucking her, then the porn i was watching started fucking her in the ass, so i imagined that. imagine that. oh it was so good though. i guess it was a fantasy that was revved up deep inside of me, aww yeah it felt good to get it out.  oh man i think that was the best orgasm i’ve ever had.
holy shit

Surreal story

a man is walking down the street in brooklyn new york, his yellow hat is blowing feathers of cash out like a fan to all the people.  a black woman flashes him her nipple and yells come on my sock big buddy, i see your big dick through them tight jeans. the man with the hat turns and bends down to cuff his jeans, looks up and says will you be so kind as to suck my dick until i cum blood into your nasal cavity? she asked if he was clean and unbuttoned his pants, she went down. and up and bobbed her head, as people drove by honking and whistleing at the whore, a crowd formed and people got riled up and out of hand as she started using her hands bouncing on her knees. faster and faster down her throat. people start throwing pennies, cake, and cigarettes as tips i guess. a flower hit him on the dick. it floated down and landed in the gutter next to a sleeping homeless man that is peaceful in his drunk, he has lost that other self of him he used to call his real legal name. now there is a couple things that happened to him that he can never look back, being stoned and losing muscle with every penny thrown the woman gets her head held down he buries his cock deep and blew into her throat, cum blew out of her nose, as she gagged and choked, and started throwing up kennedies fried chicken legs, and hot wings, and funnel cake dripping down his scrotum. then she picked up a smoke.  the man with the ostrich hat walked up to a passer by and grabbed him from the sides, impaling therm with his massive dripping whale cock with one swipe he took them down. grew 6 feet taller and took a shit on the road.  he walked down to the bodega and they would sell him a loosie. so i picked up the small counter clerk and said look you fuck i just skull fucked your wife out there and i want a Goddamn cigarette. his black lisping voice was a creepy strange sound. he was a gentle man 12 feet tall and angry. just out of control. he was not in the mood to sense any one being false. so you had to buck up, buckle your belt and heave into you. if he saw you look down he would slap that big cock in your face and poor coffee on your ass and laugh at your burns, and hold you there until blisters formed, and popped them and fucking your ass until you are  dead and raw.
this would POSSIBLY make someone stop being so anxious

God Fuck Me Please

 my heart beats for you
my heart leaks beats for you into
the void where i hand the cash over and get billed the strength of pushing that big deposit off my table into the trash, clearing my desk of wadded up foil and remembering it not at all. its only that moment that matters when you breathe it in. to where the pretty girls are no longer pretty. everything is in the same cast as it waits to take form, nobody is exempt from these taxes our living has put on us. we dip deep into ourselves to where we cant walk without being watched, or leave without being seen. i want that for me i want that for you why cant we just skew that part of our minds that thinks about everthing else and just kick it to the curb like that trash we just brushed off our shoulder. for someone to pick up and use in their own home, but it is invaluable and i dont give a fuck about anything so much that i do care. i’m thinking its the opposite i care about everything so much that i don’t give a fuck. i’m searching for an honest escape from mediocre living, it obviously isn’t drugs, but it is definitely the only thing that has shown its face in that way, i’m waiting for the guy with the sack full of bags, i’ll buy 3 so i get a discount, and suck them all down into me, into the base that really is me that doesnt look out my window or smile at a  joke, the one that laughs so loud, you cant tell who told what it was. fucking girls and strangers, and the effect they have on my shakieness. fuck that shit, i’m sick of it, i’m no worste than them, thats such an optimistic point of view...right? and fifteen minutes really means 35 in drug years, godamnit how i want to be ok without this shit, but it just doesn’t seem realistic to me.  i only see what is here, and tonight i saw two beautiful women, they wer ethe clients at the raidio show. i just met them and had fun, the one wannabe coco rosie girl was beautiful, and my buddy would have argued that she is original. am i secretly trying to die by doing this? because i am always gasping for air and never being relieved, i don’t know i fi just want ot spend the rest of my life doing this or if i want to live for real. and now the bottom of my tongue is numb so i cant feel it, all we need is love, but numb is sometimes all we can get, so numb is all you need
numb is all you need
numb is all you need
numb is all you need
numb is all you got
numb is all you need
do you want to live
no and don’t you stop me there i am beautiful, yet i will not tramp on anothers dreams to get me where i want to go, i purely want to see everything breathe how it does without trying. i want ot stop staying up till the sun rises, and seeing the kids go to school, but being unconcious for them getting out, i could do things. and i write in spurts in between even more spurts of this disgusting dish i have concocted, and cough up and breath in till i shake and scream without making a sound
 i wish i wasnt so drunk off the red wine that sits in my gut. i would rather feel this white powder that runs away and teases me. its a constant tease, i realize in the morning the things i have thought and done are not what i want, but the next night i forget it all, whiped clean the slate of my life. fuck fuck fuck now i’m not getting the high i expected. like they all say, it will never be as good as the first.
it will never hurt as much as the first
this is a love that i can find without looking inbetween somebodies legs.  and i don’t have to talk them into opening them, i just have to walk up my street and hear the horn honk. so this is what i’m telling myself right now, i feel great for two seconds and the bag is almost gone, i am going to hold back with all my might moving on to the next bag, but i doubt i can hold up because the craving is so hard right after you taste it. once your lips are numb and you can kiss without a care, its really hard to see anything else. cause the way i see it i have two options, sit hear and think about you, or forget. so i chose forget because it is real and closer.  i wish you were my forget. i wish you were real, i wish you were closer. i wish i had a longboard under my feet right now, i wish i could stop crossing my legs. I  just walked around the block to try and feed a familiar homeless guy some freebase, but no dice no one was there but some already cracked out black lady, i should have given it to her, god knows i don’t need anymore. and no wehre in america is before my time, so i’m sitting here trying to all everyone when its two hours back in time, they havent lived the next day as far as i have yet. its very strange to be on the point of this mountain that the sun hits first. its a pretty good place to shout your shit from. and the cat scratched on.
meow meow
walk walk
suck
suck
wait,
wait
smoke smoke smoke
pee
drink
smoke pee
repeat
go on


 e
                life.

and i do not want to die. i am just starting to see what life is like.  but when i take these drugs everything gets wrapped up into a single moment, like a movie. i love movies because they have the most important part of someones life wrapped up in under two hours (of course this differs per movie, its ok to  exceed the 2 hour mark.) i feel the same about drugs.  the second you do it you get false hapiness that is ridiculous and not worth much. what feels really good is not cheating and buying your way to false endorphins, but inner joy that we all have had since we were born. it is the kind of joy that helps you forget who you are when you are in the shower, or as a small child coloring in a coloring book, or doing anything , creating. tapping into that void that isnt a bad thing althought that word is usually associated with bad things. im tired of flexing my body for no one. i feel so hard most of the time, im at heart a very soft caring person. also in New york city i feel like i have to walk tougher than i am, because it feels like a million people will see me anytime i leave my house. this isnt true and i’m usually more put together than the people i see. i guess i’m just adjusting to this place. After all it was a giant leap to come here. like my little cousin fucking genius mikey said, if someone takes a piece of your lawn every day for a month, you will see it go slowly, but if someone just shows up and tears up your whole yard in one day, thats very different.
i believe in love, it is in yourself first, you cannot help somone without being ok on your own first. when you are young people always tell you this, but you have not really lived enough to understand, but now i see. everything everyone said is so true.  we just have to figure out a way to live content, being content in most things we do. otherwise we are fucked. we create the sidewalk we walk on by how we think. our eyes are very close to our brain.
and this binge that i wish could last forever will end very soon and i will be sad i will be deep into my head at this time and convince myself to make that call
fuck.
x
over indulgence is constanly sucking in air but not breathing it back out, was your lighter runs out you will try all the things you missed and retrace your steps into the void where you dont sleep, wehre you dont think, where you just are. being its what we all are but we forget so often. i hate the palace that the man sits on top of. i swear to god i will do everything to bring that building and that fuck sitting on the top floor being fed grapes and women to hold crack cocaine to his mouth. he will pay like we did to put him there.