i

it feels like something died in me

ijust almost got raped

so i went to trah humpers tonight wich by the way was interrupted by a fat slob of a midwife cracking uptlike it was at the race riots. i paid money to a cab driver that ended up wanting to fuck me. this was a man btw. and i was con'd into walking miles "to han gout with these DICK HOLES that made me walk a fucking marathon . he wasa fat guy wearing nudie jeans hope they bleed. luring me in with body art. yet one was a wannabe ginger, so i should hvave known

ugly troooofff

yeah. wow
the droptone of silence is ....it is.n

and i’m so glad
i woke up and you’re really here
you love me not him
payola





a


s
















i



e
ma






mej








ia




fuck
d
up

sure..spell corrector tried to make a big A in america

sure we're "protected" by our troops that disengage their emotions to free their fellow man. america is run by the soul-less fucks that think with their undeveloped brains that were washed with their nazi father views. . . dot dot dot disgusting if you ask me.



LOL






this war shit IS BULLSHIT god damn don't get me started on these dull minded small humans that have been recruited to die in that area. its yucky. and not even relevant to a suck ass guy that thinks they can SOLDIER america into safety. when the fuck have we been in danger?

when have we been in danger that wasn't caused by our own gimmick to cause and control chaos. ((((9/11))) for you dumbasses that hasn't caught on yet.

playing guitar with my roomate

i was playing with my roomie and my foot touched his and he instantly pulled away and said my foot was cold and unpleasant to touch.

playing guitar with my roomate

funeral song

i just realized that i may die at anytime and people who "love" me may attend a funeral for me. first of all, i'd like to be cremated and my ashes spread in japan. also i would love Peter Bjorn and John "up against the wall" at my funeral played for everyone ....actually on second thought i dont really mind where my ashes are scattered as long as people listen to this song deeply. people can cry, but don't be so loud it ruins the song for other people.




i feel gay and i feel into you tonight.

jim beam

waking up in ceramic wrap

misidentifying our thoughts and feelings can lead to a build up of them, and a violent release in sleep. I awoke this morning with only half the capacity of my lungs, and a nervous twitch. humid, drenched in sweat this engine room is freezing. only until i get out of my safe zone and walk across to slam the door, and procure that awesome breeze. bland my insides are furious with angry towards 7 kids i hated in school. i forgot they even would exist now. i hope they never find me on facebook. misunderstood, victimized by these angry sportsmen. they call you small, the wont let you play. the win is too important this time. It stretches passed that to your favorites father who will sit you down and ask you not to throw his sons precious birthday game. all i want to do is play. now you've terrified me that i'm too small to play, not that you just dont want me to make you look bad, i actually believe i am too small and not strong enough to play now. forever. dreams dreams are scary.
last night i ate for you to prep for the game, all i want to do is play. now my belly is full, and for nothing. i'm disseminated.

Breathathon

serious encounters are held unconscious ...real life happens in a split second of a second baby seconds.
to believe she lied about where she was raising OUR children. you decided to fuck off, not me. of all dreams no sleep...its an unfamiliar thing i smell and sometimes disagree with the headache. please keep me from it. please help me know it. dear trouble bender fuck god please help me tomorrow. cause i am typing wait i know and it is not sufficient if that word even exists woowoot no i have a real feeling
its joy time.

BOGS[POT. THE things i keep to myself can’t open up just yet. i release as much as my body allows me to. i can use my mouth, but it still wont come out. i can’t dream a second of sleep no matter what you are in “love” with someone else.
some things are untold and full of surprises//// fuck hair ties i’m letting hair ties go forever. hard sacrifice but i dot give a fuck about anything. at all

keep tromboning and im happy keep good vibes going. the perfect band i would record is yo la tengo...much love and realism taken into account then hes a beautiful guy hthat has given blind vibes but knows what he’s doing he is stronger than par but is compete and your hair runs down you back. your perfect back to hair ratio (lol) a pefrfect fit...which still stumps me...i love someone and the formula is correct that's... y problem she thinks im playing games
\it hurts to feel you strip your own clothes off yourself..aren't you better??? can you not be better? my judgment is clouded on purpose or at least for a reason.... i love you and wont stop. you knew what was coming. keep it coming and no fouls.

“break my arms around my love”--the national

I'm

i'm stressed about money
i'm depressed about nothing
i'm impressed by the Neve
i'm drinking coffee

as for now,
mixdown signal flow

i'm angry

i'm furious right now. everything today was going perfectly. grr im just so fucking pissed i cant even let it out in words. all i have done is get pissed, pace around and go pump some iron....damn straight i worked out, and it helps me be less angry. but only until my muscles stop throbbing. then i need it again. and again

one step inside doesnt mean im yours

the neighborhood is setting off fireworks

episode 1 season 11

make me beautiful

dr john gris gris

it is amazingnessivity.

!!!

like i give a shit,
like i give a shit about that fuck


Sunday 5 September 2010 tempe arizona ITS ON

broken drum

I see you there
Your long black hair
Your eyes just stare
Your mind is turning

You know I'll laugh
And I won't take it back
I've seen your eyes I know
What you're thinking

And one by one
We'll shoot our guns
We'll have fun
Don't ever doubt it

And when I say
Fare thee well
My only friend
Oh how the days go

Your setting sun
Your broken drum
Your little drugs

I'll never forget you
Never
Forget
You

said

the creeps attenuate the living, the grace slips over us like an icy glass of whiskey drink
it holds onto us until we believe what we see is a dream
it blurs together of some wholesome colors, and gets the color puke
Crayola brand
puke in hair

realizing these streets connected to the trees and lampposts attached to the sky line
wires manage to seep into your home
we are held together by these invisible lines, the network of the community
our lives are just a small smudge on the timeline of everything
about 60 years for me,
no one will know we ever stepped foot on this earth.
so why do we continue trying to figure things out? because it might end up saving our asses. where is our cure for aging? it’s the future right now and we don’t have any of that cool shit the old movies promised. Ahhh the movies, engineered so precise she holds the universe between her thighs. the gateway to creating another life. so now we can all be skid marks with little splatters that make their own skid marks. maybe that would make them remember. if we have a long line of successful people in the family. then people MIGHT look back in time and see the whole families stretch marks. we try and hold on so hard for these years that are promised to leave. what can one man (or woman) do to make things better for EVERYONE? i don’t know. do you? if we all shared the same shoes it would do nothing. so we’re covered there. if you have an answer to this question please email me: justuscaruso@gmail.com
and why is it so important for human beings to want to feel remembered? after we’re dead and gone it doesn’t matter to us. is this just fairy tell propaganda that everyone needs? it may control the people but it doesn’t help me. kissing so many untouched things in the end won’t count for a god damned thing.

capatalastamisterasm

no i wont put my hair up, i'm punk rock

today i started rolling my own cigarettes

today history will not repeat itself. it gets a cover closed on it and is put on the shelf above the encyclopedias. new pages haven’t even been made to write on yet. step one, you need trees to make paper so i cut some down. step 2 i need to write with something so i slice a shiny mark into my hand and dip a stick. step 3 figure out what to write.(this is where new life begins)

closer than next door neighbor

that echo was fucking weird yo
its like a destination callin g for spiders
ase
btchs

vent

sitting up i hear a sound that brings me back. to a place when i was awake in the morning and asleep after that. now its all changed. everything we ever have will change.

i wake up sweating. my sheets have wrapped themselves around me. i think they’re going for my throat. not awake from my dream, you untangle me. i wake up you are gone, the sheets are still trying to strangle me

lately adventure is right in front of you. what road will you take, what turf is tasty to you’re wheels? a sense of justice hangs over my head like the fog.
i'm smoking.

don't close you're eyes,
you could cold cry awake.
and think of how bad you cant sleep.
...or focus you’r mind , put your ducks in a line and dream that fucking dream


i cant get the thoughts out fast enough i just need to type and not stop let it come out and up what needs to be chucked out the window of my ba.g. i need to keep going and listen to this song from the porch its raining the wind blows my face to sorts of shades i cant be happier the warm air and hot summer rain keep me happy to be awake. so next time you go out side in a summer rain feel it. touch it. let it touch you in the soul. don't be afraid its not going to molest you. after all we are all human maybe things would be better if we weren't. like, for instance what if dolphins discovered bananas before monkeys did? we would all be overpowered by a fish mammal. jesus christ that's a crazy thought. i wonder if we gave them thumbs we could evolve them into a human dolphin hybrid. or it would make a dolphin pokemon

will be possible you keep creep sneaking up on me and feed and

girls

so i didnt really like this when it first came out, a little too teenage for my taste. then i took another listen. the sweet lofi nostalgic vibes i get from it is amazingly pure. this album is actually O.K. in my book

=

check this out

The Beach

So for the past couple weeks i've been reading a book called "the beach". this book captured my attention and took my imagination to new heights. it made me really want to travel. after i finished the book i decided i'd finally watch the movie for the first time. at the first of the movie i have to say i was impressed with how well it was communicating the book across. then they got to the beach.up to that point it was pretty much in sync with the book. but of course hollywood has to add numerous sex scenes. one of the best parts of the book is the main character "richard" is in love with a french girl that he cant have. in the book (like in reality) he didnt get the girl. in the movie the leo dicaprio version of richard fucks people he never thought of in the book. i was also dissapointed in the movie not mentioning Jed at all, they kind of rolled him off into the "Sal" character mixed with richard. he doesn't go too insane in the book and only a few people leave the island. where as in the movie they /

you really cant go wrong with danny boyle

The Beach

slam

ive been browsing some really leggit slam poetry on youtube before i go out tonight. i dont know what but 4 out of 5 so far have made me cry. out of no where, out of nothing. i never cry. they just hit me so hard tonight. hopefully i've found a ritual to get rid of my tears without feeling sorry for myself.

tristessa

this novella is an amazing piece of writing. i myself have never read any Kerouac before this, but wow i'm a believer. the descriptions of the seemingly simply day to day grime in mexico city. he's in love with a junkie and the book is basically about how he watched her dissolve.

highly recommended
should only take a couple days to read, maybe even a day if your fast!

its

it is a time in my life that i feel legitimate ...the girl i like has denied me and i still feel fine. thats all i need

hatred

hatred came and made things not matter so much anymore. a joke is what the punchline will always deliver ...why the fuck cant i remember that?



Q: why the fuck am i so graphic with my blog images lately1?!?!?!??!

A: im waiting to smoke a cigarette while its way too late and i only have one match

i...

I finally drop both shoulders.





i realize that no ones going to have my babies, and accept the fact that im not even sure i can make them.

have you ever

have you ever googled hatred?

love is reality right?

i think its going to be a long long time. what is love? such a strange cycle of emotion. this question has been being asked since the invention of the word. or the feeling before the words. im stumped as to where to find a recipe guaranteeing that you'll fall in love. its all based upon the people involved and people are the most inconsistent beings on earth. will we evolve enough to understand love and since its technically the future, where is our love potion and understanding of each other? i keep my mind open so i dont block out any inspiration. lately i've been gazing into myself and seeing what no one else does, but i feel they can. i feel naked for no reason. i need to get over these strange uncontrollable anxiety fits related to social acceptance. the more you try and control something the more control you will lose. your shaky thoughts will spread to you hands and the heat inside will turn red. i'm not lonely by any means just so concerned with my lack of basic knowledge of a 'simple' definition of love.

hiromi

Chat History
3:12amHiromi
amazing place! Hawaii is cool! I think that you like Hawaii.
3:13amMe
i think i would too. i miss japan everyday
3:13amHiromi
And you miss me ? hah
3:14amMe
OF COURSE!
i seriously do sometimes
that was so fun
3:15amHiromi
Thank you ,I think about you sometimes,too.
3:16amMe
what time is it there?
3:16amHiromi
19h 16 !
3:17amMe
its 3:17am here
3:17amHiromi
You are not sleepy?
3:18amMe
i have problems falling asleep ):
3:19amHiromi
Are you ok? you have astress?
3:19amMe
im sad sometimes... i cant make my mind stop thinking
3:20amHiromi
Oh.Im sorry ..you need hot milk!
3:21amMe
hahah instead im drinking beer \:
3:22amHiromi
haha I like beer ,too! I want to drink with you~!
3:24amMe
we will! in about 8 months. im excited to see you. really. i have butterflies in my stomach from thinking about you
so strange
3:27amHiromi
Im excited ,too!!When I visit New York, you lead me...!
3:28amMe
in mesa Arizona
3:29amHiromi
You are in mesa Arizona now?
3:29amMe
its been 6 years since we have made eye contact
yes
3:30amHiromi
I thought that you were still in Utah.
3:30amMe
no i moved here 3 weeks ago for school
so its new to me
3:31amHiromi
you are so busy!
3:31amMe
i really am its crazy
i love it though
3:32amHiromi
I dont change my house.
3:33amMe
do you live with your parents?
3:33amHiromi
Yes! and you?
3:33amMe
nope
what school do you go to?
3:37amHiromi
I go to college to learn french and to take capacity of education.
3:37amMe
i see
what else is new with you?
3:39amHiromi
I went to Frence last summer.
and Monaco
3:39amMe
REALLY? paris? i want to go so bad. french is a very sexy language
3:42amHiromi
yes ! Paris and the south ,near the Mediterranean
3:43amMe
beautiful
3:44amHiromi
it was wonderful.
3:44amMe
im so jealous
3:46amHiromi
My exchange student who lives in Utah married.
3:46amMe
what?
3:47amHiromi
The gilrs who are in Utah marry early.
3:47amMe
yeah they are stupid
hahah
do you have a boyfriend?
3:48amHiromi
Because of Mormon?
3:49amMe
probably. i dont know, im not mormon
3:49amHiromi
Yes, I have a boyfriend
3:49amMe
i hope he's nice to you
3:51amHiromi
Thank you.and you,too!
3:51amMe
lol you dont undertand english anymore
understand*

just realized this album has stood the test of time. its been with me during some of the best and worst times of my life.

Running around 'cause you beat yourself up

school is awesome i got 100% on my first test. i love where im at in life right now. things seem to be opening up and the clouds are starting to clear on my misunderstanding of being an adult. its almost as if i havent been alive all my years as a teen and now im thrown into an adult world where im expected to be responsible for my actions...and i am. im finally starting to understand that basic concept of life. you get what you put into it. and if you float around all day doing nothing TIME STANDS STILL. when you have things to do you dont have nearly enough time....its so strange. stare at a clock and it will take 60 seconds for a minute to go by, have a conversation and one minute seems to pass in about 10 seconds.

dont think im not thinking of you

sometimes you encounter certain people that will never leave your thoughts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hircSEEbw_8

i would NOT recommend you read this post...honestly..dont

are you serious? ive been drunk for years and that doesnt mean anything other than you are a weak person...dont use that to excuse your fallacies ... really you said what you mean and thats all i want. you dont need to play these games your used to so much. you exs probably loved hearing you whine...but as for me SHUT THE FUCK UP and talk about soumething already...i dont give a fuck if its important or not just say it ill hear it and we can go from there. i miss the sleep the cuddling ...waking up in the same position ...the smell of your hair...not the shampoo in it but the smell of your twisted dead skin. i loved it and miss it... i cant forget ...faggit or faggot which one am i ? i need to be ....
i
n EEd
to
B 3!

uhh really im postin ghtis?

thanks. i like you and i'd settle down if i was sure thats what you wanted. youre in some rush but i dont know why??? i know you say you need it but i disagree...jesus i cat believe im saying this...
but our kids...
our kids
would be dreams...
our kids will be you and me....(bad INGLISH)

gorgeous


"they cant experience me at all ....which is not me...just like your child is not you...its a big mistake with a lot of family's is a lot of parents identify with the kids so much they want the kid to become what they wanted to be. which becomes an extension of their own ego or their own personality and if the kid becomes something different they feel like their being dissed or something"

p

p

ramen

sometimes i get hungry and get halfway through cooking something, preheating the oven, boiling water, etc etc. then i just have a sudden loss of appetite ),:

bora bora

shes right it is heaven

arizona

everything here is so much nicer. at first i felt a little out of place but now after bonding with my roomies and getting the hang of the neighboorhood i feel at home. Its been really hot and i sweat more than everyone else. hopefully it will stop. I went to fucking walmart and got bedding and curtains. money goes quick. but i guess thats true everywhere. i do however miss being next to you. its ok though ill hopefully find someone to pass time. hopefully a bunch of people. if i was a sheep id have to be quick on my feet. but im a muthafuckin lion.

kitt

meowcow chugggit chug the medicine for that cough im so tired of hearing you cough

the facebook

so i have had a facebook for a while but havent really used it. now that im alone in arizona i understand why people love this so much. i was stubborn forever and didnt understand the obsession but now i see. i love reading stupid shit about people i dont really care about but know who they are. i really really do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JpZWaXFc48

the ganja

fav music of 2010 so far...

http://www.mediafire.com/?y2ymnwzmwxj
not my link sorry.

i know the last one was supposed to be the last tonight

yellowtail...

the one

really this is it



greenday rockband...are you kidding me? fucking disgusting. dookie?......no

f

fuck verizon wireless...never had it never will. fuck finishing last right when youre at the finish line and trip.

its almost like someone can hear

if i put my mouth closer and have more thumbs down than up...then will i know?

i wish she talked to me on the phone this long

so im here in arizona... my first real day. so far i have longboarded around and am starting to get the feel of my new neighborhood. when i first arrived at nighttime i had no idea how i felt...it was a bit surreal and overwhelming. but now the second night is here and everything is going really smooth. i have a couple cool housemates and a few decent ones. i cant eat as much as them but o well. im so glad to finally be on my own turf, im just still marking it. i bought healthy at the grocery store and am kind of exhausted from all the long long long board rides. i havent felt like myself in a while so this is nice to have some alone time. i used to prefer being alone...after the past year and a half of having someone with me constantly i realize how introverted ive become. its not me. im a nice talkative guy and i need to learn to start showing it again.

even if its hard

Dennis Hopper ):

i guess he died this morning of prostate cancer. he was one of my favorite people ever and one of my idols. who will ever foget his perfect performance in blue velvet and his hippy adventure movie Easy Rider.

i love him and hope he is ...i dont know omkay

dont build

i once found an amazing house with some kind of special energy, i decided to turn this house into my home with a couple of close friends. slowly after the fun months pass and the local street rats start filtering in from all over, paying the hotel fee of a gallon of bartons and maybe a few cigarettes. all fun at first right? what happens when these fat smelly people that use toilet paper as a fillin for a chipped tooth decide to stay all day as awell? a huge fall out happens, stinky people, with no goals and are 30 years old. they said we were friends even though we were ten years apart. in the end it turns out the only thing we had in common was drinking until our faces fell off. what did we talk about? i dont remember? why do i like them? i never knew. who are these people? i'll never know.

oddsac- late post

it was amzonggg..guess who was there?

uhh

im almost being untrue to myself while pausing agoraphobic nosebleeds new album so my girlfriend can watch cute cuddly youtube videos
holy shit this new agoraphobic album is more refined than most gold, it digests the weak new heavy bands. its almost like haha ive done this forever, and you come out trying to rip off my creation. ill do what you do even better than doing it myself the first time.

ive managed to embrace my double vision and saw you on a different level. hyold it close and fuck

Im going to ODDSAC!

yes! i am going to the sundance showing of animal collectives video album on sunday. im so excited. I guess there are perks to living in utah evey once in a while.

the thoughts

the thoughts that come into my head about america and obesity...sitting here on our inherited leather couch thinking about the meaningless...no one will hear this and nobody will stop eating if they do. look people its an addiction that you need to confront if the least. im no saint...at all

im no saint
just ...godamn america get a grip on yourself stop denying yourself like your parents did and the parents before their parents.


off subject
i used to have a fake id and i came home to my mothers too drunk, took off my pants and it shoots out of my pocket *me not knowing i went to sleep...next morning my mom comes in to wake me up and its right in front of her...burn on me for being so irresponsible...in multiple ways

wind

wind blows softer now i rembemer how to use my mouth
the air huffs and puffs,but cant blow down my house
if im okay and your okay
nobody can rub us the wrong way
clear air again clean breathing hopefully here to stay

the moon

this feeling is swelling up inside me
it feels as if im stretching
but not getting any wider, just thinner.
it feels like my lungs are wrapped like a ham
my feet are frozen to my hands
sleeps just another thing to do
to get away, like star wars kotr
or the guitar
i wish these things would entertain me forever,
i wish i didnt even have to be entertained
is there anything still living inside me
my spirit i mean... it feels numb or on vacation
i dont think its on vacation
im sooo tired of being awake

uhhm

"i'ts wrong youre going down hill, you'll never be happy"
-chars mom