Different Waves

Everybody stopped caring what happened to me the second i got out of sight.
next year, or a few days im disowning cigarettes. its been my resolution for 4 years straight and i usually dont even last a day. but this times different.
the strange fuzziness in the back of my neck and the twinge behind my ears is missing
i think the pills are all the way out of my system.
i am going bike shopping later today, if my lazy ass dike cousin would come get me already. i video'd me smoking a cigarette today so i can have memories when i lose my friend. the drinking is acting up again, my throat is full. its overloaded, my whole face is overloaded. i wish it was numb. . i hate how it looks now and i cant figure out how to cover it up, i wasnt thinking about that when i did it, i didnt think i was going to have to live with it everyday, i didnt think i would live. sounds bitchy i know, but shit happens, it happens alot. maybe. she is going on vacation for christmas, hasnt been home in months. i cant stand not being home. but when your dad is a local celebrity and your moms a boobjob with legs, i guess home isnt where the heart is, its where the plastic is, the affairs, the cocaine. its fucking freezing outside, that will definitely help me quit smoking. i want to change, not myself- i want to change other people, not other people, but their minds. not simple persuasions but their values, i want to alter their thoughts, lives. hold seminars for housewives, teach them the power of lies. i want to exploit their husbands on tape. i want them to be as fucked up on the surface as they are inside. they hide, i lie. lying is everything. i want to go back to college. i want to meet new people, i dont want anyfriends i just want to watch them through my camera. dont talk to me, talk to the person next to you, and ill understand. i can manipulate what you say , do , think, feel. my life has a red dot in the upper right corner, on the left REC. i dont feel, i watch. thats all this is to me a movie im making. its cool to control everything.