my heart beats for you
my heart leaks beats for you into
the void where i hand the cash over and get billed the strength of pushing that big deposit off my table into the trash, clearing my desk of wadded up foil and remembering it not at all. its only that moment that matters when you breathe it in. to where the pretty girls are no longer pretty. everything is in the same cast as it waits to take form, nobody is exempt from these taxes our living has put on us. we dip deep into ourselves to where we cant walk without being watched, or leave without being seen. i want that for me i want that for you why cant we just skew that part of our minds that thinks about everthing else and just kick it to the curb like that trash we just brushed off our shoulder. for someone to pick up and use in their own home, but it is invaluable and i dont give a fuck about anything so much that i do care. i’m thinking its the opposite i care about everything so much that i don’t give a fuck. i’m searching for an honest escape from mediocre living, it obviously isn’t drugs, but it is definitely the only thing that has shown its face in that way, i’m waiting for the guy with the sack full of bags, i’ll buy 3 so i get a discount, and suck them all down into me, into the base that really is me that doesnt look out my window or smile at a joke, the one that laughs so loud, you cant tell who told what it was. fucking girls and strangers, and the effect they have on my shakieness. fuck that shit, i’m sick of it, i’m no worste than them, thats such an optimistic point of view...right? and fifteen minutes really means 35 in drug years, godamnit how i want to be ok without this shit, but it just doesn’t seem realistic to me. i only see what is here, and tonight i saw two beautiful women, they wer ethe clients at the raidio show. i just met them and had fun, the one wannabe coco rosie girl was beautiful, and my buddy would have argued that she is original. am i secretly trying to die by doing this? because i am always gasping for air and never being relieved, i don’t know i fi just want ot spend the rest of my life doing this or if i want to live for real. and now the bottom of my tongue is numb so i cant feel it, all we need is love, but numb is sometimes all we can get, so numb is all you need
numb is all you need
numb is all you need
numb is all you need
numb is all you got
numb is all you need
do you want to live
no and don’t you stop me there i am beautiful, yet i will not tramp on anothers dreams to get me where i want to go, i purely want to see everything breathe how it does without trying. i want ot stop staying up till the sun rises, and seeing the kids go to school, but being unconcious for them getting out, i could do things. and i write in spurts in between even more spurts of this disgusting dish i have concocted, and cough up and breath in till i shake and scream without making a sound
i wish i wasnt so drunk off the red wine that sits in my gut. i would rather feel this white powder that runs away and teases me. its a constant tease, i realize in the morning the things i have thought and done are not what i want, but the next night i forget it all, whiped clean the slate of my life. fuck fuck fuck now i’m not getting the high i expected. like they all say, it will never be as good as the first.
it will never hurt as much as the first
this is a love that i can find without looking inbetween somebodies legs. and i don’t have to talk them into opening them, i just have to walk up my street and hear the horn honk. so this is what i’m telling myself right now, i feel great for two seconds and the bag is almost gone, i am going to hold back with all my might moving on to the next bag, but i doubt i can hold up because the craving is so hard right after you taste it. once your lips are numb and you can kiss without a care, its really hard to see anything else. cause the way i see it i have two options, sit hear and think about you, or forget. so i chose forget because it is real and closer. i wish you were my forget. i wish you were real, i wish you were closer. i wish i had a longboard under my feet right now, i wish i could stop crossing my legs. I just walked around the block to try and feed a familiar homeless guy some freebase, but no dice no one was there but some already cracked out black lady, i should have given it to her, god knows i don’t need anymore. and no wehre in america is before my time, so i’m sitting here trying to all everyone when its two hours back in time, they havent lived the next day as far as i have yet. its very strange to be on the point of this mountain that the sun hits first. its a pretty good place to shout your shit from. and the cat scratched on.
meow meow
walk walk
suck
suck
wait,
wait
smoke smoke smoke
pee
drink
smoke pee
repeat
go on
e
life.
and i do not want to die. i am just starting to see what life is like. but when i take these drugs everything gets wrapped up into a single moment, like a movie. i love movies because they have the most important part of someones life wrapped up in under two hours (of course this differs per movie, its ok to exceed the 2 hour mark.) i feel the same about drugs. the second you do it you get false hapiness that is ridiculous and not worth much. what feels really good is not cheating and buying your way to false endorphins, but inner joy that we all have had since we were born. it is the kind of joy that helps you forget who you are when you are in the shower, or as a small child coloring in a coloring book, or doing anything , creating. tapping into that void that isnt a bad thing althought that word is usually associated with bad things. im tired of flexing my body for no one. i feel so hard most of the time, im at heart a very soft caring person. also in New york city i feel like i have to walk tougher than i am, because it feels like a million people will see me anytime i leave my house. this isnt true and i’m usually more put together than the people i see. i guess i’m just adjusting to this place. After all it was a giant leap to come here. like my little cousin fucking genius mikey said, if someone takes a piece of your lawn every day for a month, you will see it go slowly, but if someone just shows up and tears up your whole yard in one day, thats very different.
i believe in love, it is in yourself first, you cannot help somone without being ok on your own first. when you are young people always tell you this, but you have not really lived enough to understand, but now i see. everything everyone said is so true. we just have to figure out a way to live content, being content in most things we do. otherwise we are fucked. we create the sidewalk we walk on by how we think. our eyes are very close to our brain.
and this binge that i wish could last forever will end very soon and i will be sad i will be deep into my head at this time and convince myself to make that call
fuck.
x
over indulgence is constanly sucking in air but not breathing it back out, was your lighter runs out you will try all the things you missed and retrace your steps into the void where you dont sleep, wehre you dont think, where you just are. being its what we all are but we forget so often. i hate the palace that the man sits on top of. i swear to god i will do everything to bring that building and that fuck sitting on the top floor being fed grapes and women to hold crack cocaine to his mouth. he will pay like we did to put him there.
my heart leaks beats for you into
the void where i hand the cash over and get billed the strength of pushing that big deposit off my table into the trash, clearing my desk of wadded up foil and remembering it not at all. its only that moment that matters when you breathe it in. to where the pretty girls are no longer pretty. everything is in the same cast as it waits to take form, nobody is exempt from these taxes our living has put on us. we dip deep into ourselves to where we cant walk without being watched, or leave without being seen. i want that for me i want that for you why cant we just skew that part of our minds that thinks about everthing else and just kick it to the curb like that trash we just brushed off our shoulder. for someone to pick up and use in their own home, but it is invaluable and i dont give a fuck about anything so much that i do care. i’m thinking its the opposite i care about everything so much that i don’t give a fuck. i’m searching for an honest escape from mediocre living, it obviously isn’t drugs, but it is definitely the only thing that has shown its face in that way, i’m waiting for the guy with the sack full of bags, i’ll buy 3 so i get a discount, and suck them all down into me, into the base that really is me that doesnt look out my window or smile at a joke, the one that laughs so loud, you cant tell who told what it was. fucking girls and strangers, and the effect they have on my shakieness. fuck that shit, i’m sick of it, i’m no worste than them, thats such an optimistic point of view...right? and fifteen minutes really means 35 in drug years, godamnit how i want to be ok without this shit, but it just doesn’t seem realistic to me. i only see what is here, and tonight i saw two beautiful women, they wer ethe clients at the raidio show. i just met them and had fun, the one wannabe coco rosie girl was beautiful, and my buddy would have argued that she is original. am i secretly trying to die by doing this? because i am always gasping for air and never being relieved, i don’t know i fi just want ot spend the rest of my life doing this or if i want to live for real. and now the bottom of my tongue is numb so i cant feel it, all we need is love, but numb is sometimes all we can get, so numb is all you need
numb is all you need
numb is all you need
numb is all you need
numb is all you got
numb is all you need
do you want to live
no and don’t you stop me there i am beautiful, yet i will not tramp on anothers dreams to get me where i want to go, i purely want to see everything breathe how it does without trying. i want ot stop staying up till the sun rises, and seeing the kids go to school, but being unconcious for them getting out, i could do things. and i write in spurts in between even more spurts of this disgusting dish i have concocted, and cough up and breath in till i shake and scream without making a sound
i wish i wasnt so drunk off the red wine that sits in my gut. i would rather feel this white powder that runs away and teases me. its a constant tease, i realize in the morning the things i have thought and done are not what i want, but the next night i forget it all, whiped clean the slate of my life. fuck fuck fuck now i’m not getting the high i expected. like they all say, it will never be as good as the first.
it will never hurt as much as the first
this is a love that i can find without looking inbetween somebodies legs. and i don’t have to talk them into opening them, i just have to walk up my street and hear the horn honk. so this is what i’m telling myself right now, i feel great for two seconds and the bag is almost gone, i am going to hold back with all my might moving on to the next bag, but i doubt i can hold up because the craving is so hard right after you taste it. once your lips are numb and you can kiss without a care, its really hard to see anything else. cause the way i see it i have two options, sit hear and think about you, or forget. so i chose forget because it is real and closer. i wish you were my forget. i wish you were real, i wish you were closer. i wish i had a longboard under my feet right now, i wish i could stop crossing my legs. I just walked around the block to try and feed a familiar homeless guy some freebase, but no dice no one was there but some already cracked out black lady, i should have given it to her, god knows i don’t need anymore. and no wehre in america is before my time, so i’m sitting here trying to all everyone when its two hours back in time, they havent lived the next day as far as i have yet. its very strange to be on the point of this mountain that the sun hits first. its a pretty good place to shout your shit from. and the cat scratched on.
meow meow
walk walk
suck
suck
wait,
wait
smoke smoke smoke
pee
drink
smoke pee
repeat
go on
e
life.
and i do not want to die. i am just starting to see what life is like. but when i take these drugs everything gets wrapped up into a single moment, like a movie. i love movies because they have the most important part of someones life wrapped up in under two hours (of course this differs per movie, its ok to exceed the 2 hour mark.) i feel the same about drugs. the second you do it you get false hapiness that is ridiculous and not worth much. what feels really good is not cheating and buying your way to false endorphins, but inner joy that we all have had since we were born. it is the kind of joy that helps you forget who you are when you are in the shower, or as a small child coloring in a coloring book, or doing anything , creating. tapping into that void that isnt a bad thing althought that word is usually associated with bad things. im tired of flexing my body for no one. i feel so hard most of the time, im at heart a very soft caring person. also in New york city i feel like i have to walk tougher than i am, because it feels like a million people will see me anytime i leave my house. this isnt true and i’m usually more put together than the people i see. i guess i’m just adjusting to this place. After all it was a giant leap to come here. like my little cousin fucking genius mikey said, if someone takes a piece of your lawn every day for a month, you will see it go slowly, but if someone just shows up and tears up your whole yard in one day, thats very different.
i believe in love, it is in yourself first, you cannot help somone without being ok on your own first. when you are young people always tell you this, but you have not really lived enough to understand, but now i see. everything everyone said is so true. we just have to figure out a way to live content, being content in most things we do. otherwise we are fucked. we create the sidewalk we walk on by how we think. our eyes are very close to our brain.
and this binge that i wish could last forever will end very soon and i will be sad i will be deep into my head at this time and convince myself to make that call
fuck.
x
over indulgence is constanly sucking in air but not breathing it back out, was your lighter runs out you will try all the things you missed and retrace your steps into the void where you dont sleep, wehre you dont think, where you just are. being its what we all are but we forget so often. i hate the palace that the man sits on top of. i swear to god i will do everything to bring that building and that fuck sitting on the top floor being fed grapes and women to hold crack cocaine to his mouth. he will pay like we did to put him there.
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