falling out of reality

falling out of reality is a scary thing. you land and you are in this unfamiliar world and nothing you know and trust is there or makes sense to you. it could be the darkest part of me i've ever seen. it happened first a few months ago at a party. i had gotten extremely drunk and became dellusional at an amazing roof party. there was loud music and a live drummer just jamming along to the beats. it was really hopping and i should have had a good time.  my buddy rolled a joint and of course i partook. after this everything went downhill. i became paranoid about the light shining righ on my face, my girlfriend was just trying to talk to me and i was not in reality, i honestly believed that this entire thing was staged. i don't know if its because it seemed too cool and godo to be true or what.  i believed my friend greg and my girlfriend were on a mission to be my "friend" or keep me under control. kind of like the truman show, it was scary. i hadn't had another experience like this for some time. yesterday i decided to get some cheap wine during the day. i was planning on drinking it alone, but when i cam home my downstairs roomates door was open so i poked my head in to see what was up.  he is a really depressing guy i have no idea why i even went into that room (which used to be my old room)  i don't even remember this guys name its kind of sad.  he makes me feel like there is so much weight on my shoulders and he is pretty fucked up in the head. smart, but fucked up.  after getting a minor buzz and him getting obliverated he started talking about ex girlfriends and shit.  ick so i went to get another bottle of wine up to my room, and caught my new neighboor entering his door. we introduced ourselves and i told them i smoke and was about to smoke. he was with a black dude with long dreads pulled back, pretty cool looking dudes. so i went inside and had a seat on his couch. it was very nice and open in there, i should have taken that room.  after some small talk i got really high and began to drink their cheap rum.  they were cool guys but one thing i noticed was the owner of the room was very fidgety and never looked me in the eye.  i began getting very introverted and coming up with some crazy ideas after talking about dennis. i felt like they were controlling my body or my inner feelings in one way or another. like i was wired up to their system and no longer controlled my own body.  the man that wouldn't make eye contact sat menacing in his chair.  they began talking about someone and i assumed it was me.  i put together in my head that dennis the old guy in there was making a movie about me or some art project and everyone i've met that i'm kind of close to is related to this guy.  greg my buddy i met through him and my girlfriend new him before. at the time i bleleived everyone i met that has associated with this guy was in some kind of matrix all watching me. it really bugge dme out. then when i got into my room i was so hammered it was turned into a mess and i didn't remember doing any of it.  i couldn't hardly hold myself up i was thinking about my lover being one of them. just doing her job with me.  i don't think i could be able to handle that.  then i realized i might be going crazy, i might have paranoid delusions when i get extremely fucked up. when i do that i go on autopilot which then is a blank idle conciousness that can be taken ahold by any of the evil swarming inside of you.  anything in your body can then slip you on like a glove, and make you pickup things and hold them to your mouth as you watch.  i really love my girlfriend and i never want to be so bad that she can't stand me. sometimes we can't stand ourselves, but thats why we have loved ones, they strenghten us through positive influence and love us even when we hate us.  i really appreciate that, i want unconditional love and i will give unconditional love to you and our future children forever.