its day i don't know what anymore, I'm tired of waking up. i'm bored of whats there when I finally do roll out of bed. The sirens stopped maybe a year ago? maybe 30 years ago? My beard is grey, I like it. I'm the only silver fox left on this putrid lopsided radiation infected planter.
My name is connor I lived my life as all pretend. To be accepted. I wore the clothes, I went to the jobs, I drove the cars. I made small talk about organic foods.
that was years ago,
I'm not sure how many.
maybe 30 maybe 20.
My head hurts overtime I wake up. the waves of toxic human waste seeps into mysleep and I wake up shaking and accidentally kicking my pet mechanical rabbit. (her name is roxy she is more like a dog) she gets angry briefly then understands my unconscious tantrum. I try and keep her safe as much as i can . she's all the hope i have left. all the hope of love.
Its like waking up in a room of spraypaint with all he windows closed. you nightmare everything because your braincells are melting and you waking up reaching for them. instead you kick your pet rabbit.
god left us ….i don't know how long ago
20 30 years
maybe more, but as they say gods years could be any amount of human years.
I can't believe i can type after this radiation. I've taken shelfter in a n old abandoned house in the suburbs of a small state i believe is called utah, i've puzzled the street signs and maps together to figure that it is called utah.
i'm not sure
it was maybe 20-34 years ago
I wonder how old i am
i wonder how old i would be if this didn't happen….i wonder why i'm still alive. I wonder what I will eat for breakfast.. humans have failed the earth and it no longer grows healthy fruits. the seeds i eat are of old carcass, or other people just like me , last week i tricked a family into my crawl space disguising roxy as a flesh and bone good eating rabit. (I had to cover her red eyes. ) once they were down there I locked the trapdoor and left for atlas a week
maybe 20 years,
when I came back the youth were rotten there were 3 boys and 1 girl, a father (weaker than the youngest girl, i'm sure from failing his family) and the wife was still moving .. I'm not a murderer
so I closed the door again as flies swarmed out.
slipping on my gas mask or doctors mask, or bandanna….I don't know what they would call it or what it is even, it might be an ex mammal. for some reason i think its lizard, I read that word at a library in a book entitled "darwins cock" or something like that. from what my shit for brains memory recalls , i came format that lizard (my face rag) and its tough
I stomped through the glowing snow in my ravaged boots i murdered and 18 year old boy for, atlas i think it was a boy you cant tell now that the bombs pretty much burnt off all parts you weren't huddled over grasping.. he seemed man enough with a little prick of hair under his chin surely underdeveloped.
my stomach was starting to swell up and I was unsure of my own man parts they were hidden from this fat birthing purple bulge.
I think I have parasites.
I continue stomping throughout he snow-spots glowing with some nucleaur bullshit that got poured on us during ….i don't even remember it was 20-maybe 60 years ago
i made an igloo (i learned this from the exactl same book format eh library) and began feeling warmth. roxy was "sleeping or recharging by laying in a puddle of green glowing yellow snow. somehow she had adapted to the fumes and took advantage of them. she ran on the stuff.
alone staring at the center of the room imagininign a fire that wasn't yellow and making me dizzy. maybe the dizziness helped I had something no body else did some sort of immunity to this dilemma.
i woke up after 30 maybe 20 years …. I was in the same place time means nothing
roxy was gone, probably scouting. Such a great little companion. I punched myself a number of times before i could see clearly and venture out following the scattered hoppy footprints my last chance of love had left behind. on the way I found a dead glowing flower that spit poison ivy or some highly evolved or corrupt version. IT may have been a hedge hog.. I was "hungry" so I released yesterdays meal into my canister and ate mmmm some of it was still whole, thank s god.
after an hour or 20-30 years I finally caught up with roxy that was gnawing on what looked like a battery, NEXT TO A DEAD HUMNA, i hope human. I approached with caution because the androids have been hunting us to ruin the planet further I still don't get what what y get out of it. I wish I could give it to them and they would go away . it was definitely a human, Dressed in eskimo attire (learned from the same library book ) I hung over him and waited for a sign of life, I heard a breath and quickly stamped on the back of his neck three or five maybe 30-40 times. i stopped and waited as some purplish rare red blood spurted only for a moment before the veins froze and beceame useless.. like killing a deer if you don't get to it before the flies lay eggs in it it becomes useless.. this man/woman/bleeder was my food for a week. I worked for an hour and a half, oro 20-40years to simplify his form to fit in my nap sack. I would be ok for now depending on what i ran into on my way back to the igloo, I would stash the corpse Parts there, and return them home, treating it as a highly evolved deep freeze. . God i could go for a creamsicle.
roxy is acting funny her eyes are projecting a purple kind of beam and she is making a chattering noise.. when i try and confront her she looks like an old woman with caderaccs. i even kissed her on the cheek. she didn't get the message.
I'd never seen this behavior in her as long as i've lived maybe 20-80- years….in human in god years who knows how long that really is?
1.who is your god?
2. do you talk to it?
3. what would you ask it right now
4. your god is dead
I have eaten a good amount of the findings from the other day and I feel strength like i haven't in years, maybe 20 -22 years. maybe hwen i was 20.. I don't know atlas i'm still concise enough to kno what I am retarded.
which Is politically correct because all the politicians have died, that leaves only me. don't save the trees their already dead,
no obama care he's already ……
just do what we were put here to , hunt and be hunted. i sometimes wonder if I was missed int he mass murder of humans for a reason or if I just lucked out, or if i deserve this hell. Either way I'm hungry. not for food. for pussy. for swollen wet north african french moroccan pussy. the kind of woman that will never exist again the kind of woman that has creases from the profile of her naked body that you may call curves. they drive me crazy.. maybe they keep me sane. I have tried beating my dick, fucking ice holes, fucking other homed devices, fucking roxy, its all pointless I did cum once in deep "meditation" using my left hand but I wa sonly imagining her curves and her mouth on the tip ass I got my heart rate up so fast it exploded out into her gorgeous mouth, and for an act so ugly she made it look so beautifully and took it like a queen.
I still elieve in love because of that. she will never leave me no matter how dead she is or retarded from radiation. I will always have that imaginary verisou of the one that "got away"
sorry to get off topic but now i'm reminded off her . I wen tot vegas with her . i met her in new york at a party. not just any party the best party of my entire life. I wen tot meet up wtha buddy after work and had a little trouble finding this place, but once up the four flights of graffitied stairwell there wa a hall lined with people on either side, and rooms leadining to different "lofts" or party houses. I located greg and got a drink of vodka (my least favorite but oh god what id kill fo ra drink of it now) I walked up to him face to face eye contact and everything and said as loud as i could "suppppppppp nigggga lets inf some bitches to makeup with ) this was my attitude after working retail in what used to be manhattan . vein
he mumbled like usual and i turned around. he was already talking to two women, the choice was mine because his looks were ok but i had the favor. … also they both looked up former sucking their straws directly when I turned. I knew instantly the one on the right hand side was the one.. she wasn't necessarily my type but we got talking (thank greg for already having the women present) here name was nadine and she was a jew that grew up in new york city, she just had a birthday and left an eric cropland show, I Was in love at that point, before she shared her moonrocks ro what rappers would later name the shit "molly" I showed her the worst side of me the tifrst night, not great advice to all you young radiation fucktards. never let them in.
I asked her to kiss me
I hit my head informant of a group of livers
I road home in a cab with her
I took the train home
I loved her..
I just wanted to be in love…
I still want to prove it. maybe that is love me wanting to prove it.
my soul has been dripping
its been dripping the thoughts of the past
no the the past as in pawst present future but he the past lives lived behind me
i am unsure with how to deal with this so I Treat it As entertainment.
but once i'm finished thinking about it or it begins to fade from my train of thought I find myself feeling much like a dead wolf rigor mortise has set in and i'm just stiff lying on my side….waiting for roxy to come starting picking into me with those sharp metalllic teeth.
I need treatment.
I need to leave this area before I can't
I need to feed myself again… i'm on the las tlimb of the man I stole from his family weeks ago its the worst part the upper leg. surprisingly a rotten penis taste much better than a rotten thight or calf.
I do not know why
SOMETIMES I SMELL MY PISS AND I'M REMINDED OF A GATWEAY
a gateway out of here for sure, but it reminds me of the old times.
50 years ago
and then i hear the whistle and the song
rings in my ears and i feel comfortable i feel stupid but comfy
theres on beattthat is keeping me going and its not my own heart
its omsthing I wou ldhave died long ago if i could have.
I don't know why i can,t I've had a part of me eaten, I've tried to end it myself on my own i don t know
that was also the same night i had my reaffirmed belief in love in female form retracted. this was nota female, this was a goddess beyond belief, the kind of thing you can only make up with words but she's real. her entity is entirely real and free and strikingand challenging, from this point on in the book I will refer to her as the challenger. the domain reign counterpart. I let myself lean on her financially for a little bit to long but i satay married to her in my thoughts and in my actions. i feel my osture drop now because its hard to let this ou without drooping.
back to food hunt
th lame belief that its still alive
i wih cameras were still in existence i've tried to build them from scrap parts i've found in houses turned bunker i never could figure out why the magnets on the tape recorder wouldn't work anymore. its like a gravity defect. the earth needs to be demagnetizers. well now that i've bored you for so long with thoughts of "love:" let me tell you something real
last week I was sure of this
I know it wasn't a dream…
I was out with roxy scouting as usual and i had to grab her and shove her deep into my coat so she would shut up her alarm was going of so loud, I was surprised to see a beautiful creature … a "human I believe dressed in all white, not dressed, pained intuit he snow.
it was her.
i kept rox muffled and approached cautiously , she didn't notice me.. I sat behind a nearby bush and watched her as she gutted an eldery mammal, it was hard to make out all i could se was that snow and blood, and that black flowing hair . and the hunger in her beadles eyes. .
she didn't need my help and I knew If i approached her she would go for my throat
so i just watched.
I wish I could have figured out the video cameras then so badly. this was the first and last time i would see her in years, maybe 30 or 40 years.
we didn't grow old together like we once promised
Its kind of a stupid thing to promise. anything forever is a dumb promise, you are definitely lying to yourself and to the person your making the false pact with . my posture sunk as i realized that i waswaiting for someone else to provo to me love exists when it was me.
I needed to provo love exists, so in that moment watching her i decided if love exists I will take her life and absorb her nutrients, she must be good eating after feasting upon that yeti or whatever the fuck she was burried in. gouging its guts out with her teeth i'ev never been so turned on watching her pull the innards of this thing out and her chomp it raw absorbing all the false protein god deceived us into eating.
I had finally calmed roxy and I told her in a quiet voice, go in froth north west and distract her that way I can slide up behind and hopefully chokehold heruntill she passed out, if all failed, she would be outnumbered and murdered and a delicious healthy dinner, I would gain 2 weeks of life for each of her beautiful breasts and the rest of her I could preserve and ration to live fore atlas a year,
i don't know anymore
thing went wrong SO WRONG. I'm stabbed and roxy is helping me get home.
I went in for the chokehold and she had some sort of armor of fur that tangled around me like medusa and venomous snakes bit allover my face and neck I was hardly able to see , i love you roxy you're saving my life more than that you were uninfected by this witch loves tactics. now it was clear. I must thwart her where she is strong or I must join her. by the look in her eyes (if you can call them that) dark dark dark holes, id call hem a black hole yet i've never seen one. let alone two. this bitch did me in and i am drifting slowly slowly slowly ……my eyelids already shut and swollen.. my brain lid closes.
Purpose (noahs Children)
I'm in a dream
what you are about to hear is pure vision
I have my
i Wake up to roxy by my side, she feels so warm for a sixteenth of a living thing. I wish iI could show her a bunny, a fat fluffy domesticated bunny that eats only ORGANIC CARROTS LOL
organic such cheese. I wanted to forget about that witch that tangled my brain so its still inflamed and pounding on my skull. if there is another out there stronger than me , or that can meet my strength I Must kill it, or i must be killed by it. this reminds me of a film I saw, decent film AMAZING book its a movie called bladerunner, based on a book by phillipk dickshits call do androids dream of electric sheep. They are completely different stories. (thus the spereate titles)
sex drugs and rock and roll
good enough for me…was goodenought for me..
now its just cold, roxy and shivering thoughts of that bitch cunt whore that hit me so hard I don't even remember her touching me.
I wanted her.
I wanted to pro create with her
I want to make radiated babies…I am curiosu to see if w can make babies int he is climate.
repopulate the earth like noahs children.
its a win win … for me.