love is reality right?

i think its going to be a long long time. what is love? such a strange cycle of emotion. this question has been being asked since the invention of the word. or the feeling before the words. im stumped as to where to find a recipe guaranteeing that you'll fall in love. its all based upon the people involved and people are the most inconsistent beings on earth. will we evolve enough to understand love and since its technically the future, where is our love potion and understanding of each other? i keep my mind open so i dont block out any inspiration. lately i've been gazing into myself and seeing what no one else does, but i feel they can. i feel naked for no reason. i need to get over these strange uncontrollable anxiety fits related to social acceptance. the more you try and control something the more control you will lose. your shaky thoughts will spread to you hands and the heat inside will turn red. i'm not lonely by any means just so concerned with my lack of basic knowledge of a 'simple' definition of love.

hiromi

Chat History
3:12amHiromi
amazing place! Hawaii is cool! I think that you like Hawaii.
3:13amMe
i think i would too. i miss japan everyday
3:13amHiromi
And you miss me ? hah
3:14amMe
OF COURSE!
i seriously do sometimes
that was so fun
3:15amHiromi
Thank you ,I think about you sometimes,too.
3:16amMe
what time is it there?
3:16amHiromi
19h 16 !
3:17amMe
its 3:17am here
3:17amHiromi
You are not sleepy?
3:18amMe
i have problems falling asleep ):
3:19amHiromi
Are you ok? you have astress?
3:19amMe
im sad sometimes... i cant make my mind stop thinking
3:20amHiromi
Oh.Im sorry ..you need hot milk!
3:21amMe
hahah instead im drinking beer \:
3:22amHiromi
haha I like beer ,too! I want to drink with you~!
3:24amMe
we will! in about 8 months. im excited to see you. really. i have butterflies in my stomach from thinking about you
so strange
3:27amHiromi
Im excited ,too!!When I visit New York, you lead me...!
3:28amMe
in mesa Arizona
3:29amHiromi
You are in mesa Arizona now?
3:29amMe
its been 6 years since we have made eye contact
yes
3:30amHiromi
I thought that you were still in Utah.
3:30amMe
no i moved here 3 weeks ago for school
so its new to me
3:31amHiromi
you are so busy!
3:31amMe
i really am its crazy
i love it though
3:32amHiromi
I dont change my house.
3:33amMe
do you live with your parents?
3:33amHiromi
Yes! and you?
3:33amMe
nope
what school do you go to?
3:37amHiromi
I go to college to learn french and to take capacity of education.
3:37amMe
i see
what else is new with you?
3:39amHiromi
I went to Frence last summer.
and Monaco
3:39amMe
REALLY? paris? i want to go so bad. french is a very sexy language
3:42amHiromi
yes ! Paris and the south ,near the Mediterranean
3:43amMe
beautiful
3:44amHiromi
it was wonderful.
3:44amMe
im so jealous
3:46amHiromi
My exchange student who lives in Utah married.
3:46amMe
what?
3:47amHiromi
The gilrs who are in Utah marry early.
3:47amMe
yeah they are stupid
hahah
do you have a boyfriend?
3:48amHiromi
Because of Mormon?
3:49amMe
probably. i dont know, im not mormon
3:49amHiromi
Yes, I have a boyfriend
3:49amMe
i hope he's nice to you
3:51amHiromi
Thank you.and you,too!
3:51amMe
lol you dont undertand english anymore
understand*

just realized this album has stood the test of time. its been with me during some of the best and worst times of my life.

Running around 'cause you beat yourself up

school is awesome i got 100% on my first test. i love where im at in life right now. things seem to be opening up and the clouds are starting to clear on my misunderstanding of being an adult. its almost as if i havent been alive all my years as a teen and now im thrown into an adult world where im expected to be responsible for my actions...and i am. im finally starting to understand that basic concept of life. you get what you put into it. and if you float around all day doing nothing TIME STANDS STILL. when you have things to do you dont have nearly enough time....its so strange. stare at a clock and it will take 60 seconds for a minute to go by, have a conversation and one minute seems to pass in about 10 seconds.

dont think im not thinking of you

sometimes you encounter certain people that will never leave your thoughts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hircSEEbw_8

i would NOT recommend you read this post...honestly..dont

are you serious? ive been drunk for years and that doesnt mean anything other than you are a weak person...dont use that to excuse your fallacies ... really you said what you mean and thats all i want. you dont need to play these games your used to so much. you exs probably loved hearing you whine...but as for me SHUT THE FUCK UP and talk about soumething already...i dont give a fuck if its important or not just say it ill hear it and we can go from there. i miss the sleep the cuddling ...waking up in the same position ...the smell of your hair...not the shampoo in it but the smell of your twisted dead skin. i loved it and miss it... i cant forget ...faggit or faggot which one am i ? i need to be ....
i
n EEd
to
B 3!

uhh really im postin ghtis?

thanks. i like you and i'd settle down if i was sure thats what you wanted. youre in some rush but i dont know why??? i know you say you need it but i disagree...jesus i cat believe im saying this...
but our kids...
our kids
would be dreams...
our kids will be you and me....(bad INGLISH)

gorgeous


"they cant experience me at all ....which is not me...just like your child is not you...its a big mistake with a lot of family's is a lot of parents identify with the kids so much they want the kid to become what they wanted to be. which becomes an extension of their own ego or their own personality and if the kid becomes something different they feel like their being dissed or something"

p

p

ramen

sometimes i get hungry and get halfway through cooking something, preheating the oven, boiling water, etc etc. then i just have a sudden loss of appetite ),:

bora bora

shes right it is heaven

arizona

everything here is so much nicer. at first i felt a little out of place but now after bonding with my roomies and getting the hang of the neighboorhood i feel at home. Its been really hot and i sweat more than everyone else. hopefully it will stop. I went to fucking walmart and got bedding and curtains. money goes quick. but i guess thats true everywhere. i do however miss being next to you. its ok though ill hopefully find someone to pass time. hopefully a bunch of people. if i was a sheep id have to be quick on my feet. but im a muthafuckin lion.

kitt

meowcow chugggit chug the medicine for that cough im so tired of hearing you cough

the facebook

so i have had a facebook for a while but havent really used it. now that im alone in arizona i understand why people love this so much. i was stubborn forever and didnt understand the obsession but now i see. i love reading stupid shit about people i dont really care about but know who they are. i really really do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JpZWaXFc48

the ganja

fav music of 2010 so far...

http://www.mediafire.com/?y2ymnwzmwxj
not my link sorry.

i know the last one was supposed to be the last tonight

yellowtail...

the one

really this is it



greenday rockband...are you kidding me? fucking disgusting. dookie?......no

f

fuck verizon wireless...never had it never will. fuck finishing last right when youre at the finish line and trip.

its almost like someone can hear

if i put my mouth closer and have more thumbs down than up...then will i know?

i wish she talked to me on the phone this long

so im here in arizona... my first real day. so far i have longboarded around and am starting to get the feel of my new neighborhood. when i first arrived at nighttime i had no idea how i felt...it was a bit surreal and overwhelming. but now the second night is here and everything is going really smooth. i have a couple cool housemates and a few decent ones. i cant eat as much as them but o well. im so glad to finally be on my own turf, im just still marking it. i bought healthy at the grocery store and am kind of exhausted from all the long long long board rides. i havent felt like myself in a while so this is nice to have some alone time. i used to prefer being alone...after the past year and a half of having someone with me constantly i realize how introverted ive become. its not me. im a nice talkative guy and i need to learn to start showing it again.

even if its hard

Dennis Hopper ):

i guess he died this morning of prostate cancer. he was one of my favorite people ever and one of my idols. who will ever foget his perfect performance in blue velvet and his hippy adventure movie Easy Rider.

i love him and hope he is ...i dont know omkay

dont build

i once found an amazing house with some kind of special energy, i decided to turn this house into my home with a couple of close friends. slowly after the fun months pass and the local street rats start filtering in from all over, paying the hotel fee of a gallon of bartons and maybe a few cigarettes. all fun at first right? what happens when these fat smelly people that use toilet paper as a fillin for a chipped tooth decide to stay all day as awell? a huge fall out happens, stinky people, with no goals and are 30 years old. they said we were friends even though we were ten years apart. in the end it turns out the only thing we had in common was drinking until our faces fell off. what did we talk about? i dont remember? why do i like them? i never knew. who are these people? i'll never know.

oddsac- late post

it was amzonggg..guess who was there?

uhh

im almost being untrue to myself while pausing agoraphobic nosebleeds new album so my girlfriend can watch cute cuddly youtube videos
holy shit this new agoraphobic album is more refined than most gold, it digests the weak new heavy bands. its almost like haha ive done this forever, and you come out trying to rip off my creation. ill do what you do even better than doing it myself the first time.

ive managed to embrace my double vision and saw you on a different level. hyold it close and fuck

Im going to ODDSAC!

yes! i am going to the sundance showing of animal collectives video album on sunday. im so excited. I guess there are perks to living in utah evey once in a while.

the thoughts

the thoughts that come into my head about america and obesity...sitting here on our inherited leather couch thinking about the meaningless...no one will hear this and nobody will stop eating if they do. look people its an addiction that you need to confront if the least. im no saint...at all

im no saint
just ...godamn america get a grip on yourself stop denying yourself like your parents did and the parents before their parents.


off subject
i used to have a fake id and i came home to my mothers too drunk, took off my pants and it shoots out of my pocket *me not knowing i went to sleep...next morning my mom comes in to wake me up and its right in front of her...burn on me for being so irresponsible...in multiple ways

wind

wind blows softer now i rembemer how to use my mouth
the air huffs and puffs,but cant blow down my house
if im okay and your okay
nobody can rub us the wrong way
clear air again clean breathing hopefully here to stay

the moon

this feeling is swelling up inside me
it feels as if im stretching
but not getting any wider, just thinner.
it feels like my lungs are wrapped like a ham
my feet are frozen to my hands
sleeps just another thing to do
to get away, like star wars kotr
or the guitar
i wish these things would entertain me forever,
i wish i didnt even have to be entertained
is there anything still living inside me
my spirit i mean... it feels numb or on vacation
i dont think its on vacation
im sooo tired of being awake

uhhm

"i'ts wrong youre going down hill, you'll never be happy"
-chars mom

she is jaw dropping

jaw drop



gorgeouS




TO NAS

i didnt think about it,

sucking bricks...WAKEUP@@@ !!!!!!!!!!

WTH= What the Hell....


use it,
may do you some good.


where are the cigarettes in this drawing?

why hasnt he killed himself yet?

"my jacket would have zippers all over in it, shoes with too many buttons."

-noah...hahahhaa my former and psychedelic teacher.
now until i have,
then change back


dont come near me



real time
,
comma
love justus

god god god 3-4 times

your feet are cold as stone...so are you though..really
cigarette?



and there she goes













"where moss and rust don't corrupt"- Not God

my own private idaho

floating under your own expectations. i haven't seen me the way i really am in a long time...or before this happened. I dont see the help in anything that pulls me away from what is believed to be reality, so im just ranting.......and finding a spot in line, to stand in the back, misuse commas, then spell correct it. things are still.





th!nGs@restill

its invisible

i used to wish
i could be heard
now i dont think
i can see

i used to
promise my word
now i dont even
believe it

so when you
ask your god
you better
be careful
what you want
cause he's got it

and its coming for you

my baby don care

"I think I'm gonna be sad,
I think it's today, yeah.
The girl that's driving me mad
Is going away.

She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride,
But she don't care.

She said that living with me
Was bringing her down yeah.
She would never be free
When I was around.

She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride,
But she don't care.

I don't know why she's ridin' so high,
She ought to think twice,
She ought to do right by me.
Before she gets to saying goodbye,
She ought to think twice,
She ought to do right by me.

I think I'm gonna be sad,
I think it's today yeah.
The girl that's driving me mad
Is going away, yeah.

She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride,
But she don't care.

I don't know why she's ridin' so high,
She ought to think twice,
She ought to do right by me.
Before she gets to saying goodbye,
She ought to think twice,
She ought to do right by me
.
She heard that living with me,
Was bringing her down, yeah.
She would never be free
When I was around.

Ah, she's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride,
But she don't care.

My baby don't care, my baby don't care.
My baby don't care, my baby don't care.
My baby don't care."

fountain

last night sucked, i'm still here to see the christmas through. maybe i should just give you your gift and get the hell out...makes it seem like thats what you want. it wouldnt hurt. all that hurts is everyday here, same old bull shit. we do nothing healthy and then get angry when it doesnt work, wonder why we cough so much, wonder how one can continue to cope with such a longterm relationship that has been drown in bottles since day 1. how am i to go about this, where is my fucking life coach? things are cold

snowy

its that time of the year.
i put on the same music and drown myself indoors, i deal with it the exact same as always- with less supervision. my taste is gone again, the nights are long and thin. i cant feel anything but cold and drunk. and thats how i want it.

i wait untill you get home so we can sail away in a bottled ship and go nowhere, but back where we started and it hurts to breath and we fight like kids about stupid shitl.
this post is stupid fucking material
worst post ever

"youll walk on water as soon as you drown"

but i believe that lovers should be chained together

winters here, drinks arent as strong anymore and go down too easy. sleep seems too long, and the tv is constantly blasting a new sitcom from hbo or showtime. fuck other networks. winter came so fast, wheres fall? what am i still doing here? i stay up late scaring myself with computer games, bethoven records and a big bottle of purple ....ha, the purple bottle

Animal Collective - Fall Be Kind

i havent even finished listening yet. the first song really disappointed me...terrible. but i just got done with the studio version of what would i want sky and its fucking sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

give it a try

antichrist

Lars von Trier's 2009  antichrist is almost impossible for me to understand on first view. lets just say there were parts that freaked me out. for instance it shows a wild dog of some kind eating itself. insane. the gore was pretty bad, but the blood cumming penis didnt bother me. if this was intended to be shocking instead of boring at most times. i did like a lot of the camera work, awesome artistic shots.

spanish radio experiment

play yourselfffffff

growing up...yuck

people change, things die inside
the sea waves its hands at us
as its drifting away,
drifting apart

alarmed by new reactions
we chose to kill slowly
denied by youth
we're done growing.

lonesome

everything goes up and down, one day everything is floating along okay.
with no time to think.
instead my mind sinks deep into nostalgia.
do true friends exist, or only exit?
where are all the people?
p.s. I'M SOO HAPPY
its so hard to be away from home, from what i know I really wish i could comfort myself, but this time seems like a job for someone else. i wonder if things will ever change, do we go on with these sad days alone forever? i used to feel

cute things

lot lizard

a truck stop, idaho falls, its raining. i watch a lot lizard jump out of a semi truck. i see her wash her self in a puddle. i see her splash her rug with mud, scoop out the white stuff, and get into the next truck, lick, suck, fuck, and love her cure.

nasi

this girl is the shiz on top of the niz

hahahaha soooo artsy

Sonic Youth-last thursday live

last thursday.

this was an awesome show, free in utah of the twighlight series, they played with awesome color, and we drunkly pointlessly interviewed one of the dudes. the dancing was fun, and a mosh broke out. it was cool until kids started "hardcore dancing" ARE YOUF UCKING KIDDING ME, its sonic youth.

oiram-havent blogged for()fruock!iNG ever.

jenny lewis was shwankinag ored, i saw both . terminater and jenny muthaghu fucking LEwiS.


also...heard panda (Noah Lenox?) and atlas sound (deerhunter Bradford (COCKsXXX)




good blt's, good birthday, off chemo, lots of stuff is new

trying so hard

what happened to the little kid i used to have inside me?
did the liquor kill him?
or was it the sex, pills, and cigarettes?
what happens to us when we grow out of living?
maybe that child knew his limits, knew when to say when.
the bigger kid isn't so good at quitting it.
is that why you dont see my teeth when i smile?
is that tiny skeleton still buried alive?
is lack of a proper funeral the reason why i cant sleep?
i want to miscarry this second personality.
create a lung vaccuum and suck him right out of me.
please teach me how to raise the dead,
i want to go back to being a kid.
i wish i could love the taste of candy again.
all i taste now is whisky and gin.