I decided a long time go that i would develop a high tolerance for drinking, thinkging it would be cool, and that it waould be a challenge to me becasue i was bored with eveerything else i had going in my life. It was a way to have fun and cope. no w i ham sad all day long. i am sad all minutes of thehours only being concious for a strobe of a few mopments, my eyes wont’ focus, and my body cannot sit comfortable. what is this i long for? and fresh influence that i’ve programmed into myself for so damn long. I feel more normal wehn i drink now, i’m what all those book sand tapes sdespcribed as an alcoholic, I heard them as a kid telling me the symptoms, and i did my best to decrypet a reverse engineering of how the symptoms are causeed, I thought of this as a game, I nevere reallly understood this is real life and can fuck me up[ forever. everything theses days seems so permanent i’m afraid to hug someone from fear of begetting stuck. I don’t eneed another person to be happy, I need myself to shut,up think and sto[p. listen and feel. holding . it feels like i must get drunk to see my self as a ttractive now days. what has this eating problem becpome, I need to eat less i’m addicted to everytone, i really had a n addictive personality as a child, I decided i should be “cool” i looked at everyone i know subconciously and i completelycaged myself bey waht I had already predetermined. we decide our own fate, and I have neglected the facts and teh storyies, the advice, and experiences that have lead me to regret. What is enought do you thinkg? where should i go wehn my rooms unkempt, i’m too tired to clean it and nothing fixes itself . If you what the fuck its just the worlds . what does it mean to be an earthwoprm fucking hrist running up and down teh siplings naked.
can youe ver be happy again after you decide to let yoruself be an alcoholiic? It wasnt even with realization I just drank wehn i felt like there was nothing else to do. sometimes its better to just let yourself be i’ve learned. not from experience, but just because i know anything would be much better than it is now. what makes me drive into this world like a stripped screw?
i feel like i’ve been holding a drill on a screw so long trying to make it straight that the opening has completely out grown the size it once was, and the screw wont hold anymore. nothing can be hung on it, because it’s so loose and unstable, unsecured with a tight crack that rolls in circles untill you’re chip is off the block, the screw spins, and the hole gets bigger, the hold loose ever attemt to fit it back in. in my head i am constalntly thinking if this is real and second guessing myself i am insecure to the point of constant hurt. I can’t see myself when i look in the mirror, just the pain that i’ve become, the battle I could have won, if i had only plannned right. made the measurements tight and didn’t leave room to spread. uncrontrolable hormones directed inward will kill you if you let it. something i want is a beard, but as it grows and i get older, i look dirty with it it hasn’t come in fully, so nothing makes sense. maybe then i’ll know what everything is.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
i seem to care about what other people from my past are doing or if i was cool to them, but what really matters is me. i’m with myself constantly and need to be able to communicate with it. i just wanna get so stoned and so drunk on the corner, if it was cleaner i probably would. but for now i’ll take the dirty corner in my room, fold it up and sit on it waiting for a golden egg. which is now, its come to me.
what is this inner voice telling me to end this paragraphish things
can youe ver be happy again after you decide to let yoruself be an alcoholiic? It wasnt even with realization I just drank wehn i felt like there was nothing else to do. sometimes its better to just let yourself be i’ve learned. not from experience, but just because i know anything would be much better than it is now. what makes me drive into this world like a stripped screw?
i feel like i’ve been holding a drill on a screw so long trying to make it straight that the opening has completely out grown the size it once was, and the screw wont hold anymore. nothing can be hung on it, because it’s so loose and unstable, unsecured with a tight crack that rolls in circles untill you’re chip is off the block, the screw spins, and the hole gets bigger, the hold loose ever attemt to fit it back in. in my head i am constalntly thinking if this is real and second guessing myself i am insecure to the point of constant hurt. I can’t see myself when i look in the mirror, just the pain that i’ve become, the battle I could have won, if i had only plannned right. made the measurements tight and didn’t leave room to spread. uncrontrolable hormones directed inward will kill you if you let it. something i want is a beard, but as it grows and i get older, i look dirty with it it hasn’t come in fully, so nothing makes sense. maybe then i’ll know what everything is.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
i seem to care about what other people from my past are doing or if i was cool to them, but what really matters is me. i’m with myself constantly and need to be able to communicate with it. i just wanna get so stoned and so drunk on the corner, if it was cleaner i probably would. but for now i’ll take the dirty corner in my room, fold it up and sit on it waiting for a golden egg. which is now, its come to me.
what is this inner voice telling me to end this paragraphish things
