Eyes

 (picture of Theodore Roosevelt diary after his wife died)

 stiff dripping with neurosis
my mental imagery projected into a physical being
won’t you come with me?
come with me?

lethargy teases my drain as neurosis rack s and splits at my soul, my cognitive being is summed up into one thing. i sitting incorrect human being. i am constantly correcting myself without doing anything wrong, negative things. it is not a good way to raise yourself. i’m feeling more here on earth every second and i don’t know about it. i’m alive and i’ve been alive for so long, but is this lonely thing being lonely just because i’m in nyc alone or does everyone get this lonely?? why can’t i help myself get any better , it just seems like one implosive decision after another alternating between compulsive. i hate the way other people look at me, i feel them looking into me, and there being nothing real there looking back at them. i have nothing to show them. so i get tense in defense mode i don’t know how to hold myself. i carry no ambition just a loose wandering soul influenced by the first left hand turn, and the string of smoke coming out the end of my face. it blows in the wind, not regurgitated enough to stay in my lungs with the rest of the clots of garbage and breast lumps found in there. inhaling the city i breath  this timid air that is sharp and heavy not so sharp as it is heavy, it just pushes on you for so long that it digs in deeper than a thin bald man would because its smashing you from all directions. i feel afraid in my eyes eye can see it, and i become more afraid that if i can see it in my eyes then other people will be able to see right through them,. i haven’t any pride to show i just have a sad deep tear shame block where my heart used to be. and ill eat a whole new york pizza washed down with water and smoke. i’ll never shit it out. it will stay in me as an emotional block , that mindless eating and lack of thought i shoved down my throat just sits there growing and rotting, fermenting itself into the folds of my stomach where the acid has burned holes away. it will leak into my liver and i will never be drunk again, i will see the light of the moment we all are running from on the wave time brings, we cannot resist, to resist. we just go with time an have no choice, but it feels deeper than that, if i/. is there a therapy that will cure human again, i’m getting older and i’m feeling sadder. more sad then i ever remember before. i’ve lost the love for all the things that used to get me through. i guess this didnt work so well, hollow body parts that just don’t hold up to the weight of that ever crushing blade called on my own.  so i sit up hear listening to the city i have plans, but don’t know if ill make them. i am cured for moments but then something throws me off track. everything is okay, there is a school band shouting out my window right now and i remember how it used to feel to give a shit to be around people your age and to try and understand them, befriend them. show them how you learned things. but quickly you learn that no ones listening, and no one really cares, but to show you their things. so there is a war of humans that has been created from lack of nature. we became out of touch with our inner senses, and one with our invisible internet networks.  i know i don't feel my face when i see it in the mirror. it is something to not see, but to be the cause is the worst feeling ever. holding back myself for what reason what does this useless shit accomplish? i figured out the things that make me sad, yet i continue abuse and throw myself down the stairs trying to miscarry this ugly baby inside of me.  but it just grows with each fall and i end up hurting myself. the baby lives on and uses me for padding dragging me back up the stairs for another trip down memory lane, played over and over like a tape, the frequencies start to fade, the oxide scratches away and were left with a dirty tape that wont play even a nightmare anymore. so now you have to remember it for yourself. cause that reminder is no longer there. hollow, just a staring glare nothing behind the eyes if you see six lines you don’t know itching at my body all over i can’t hold still or get comfortable, i’m not fully here, and i’m aware and i wont come down, i just want to live on the ground its the solution to being, my feet wont reach the floor. i remember the good old days at the water park 7 peaks in provo utah we used to go there as a class every year and it was so fun to see all the girls in your class in a bathing suit, more jerk off material than you could handle at that age. i used to love going to vegas to see the women with their topless suntan attitudes, i used to be amazed by the female body, now i’m just amused. technology or self control has taken that away from me, i tease myself with these thoughts that are really out there i can go do whatever i want, but i don;t feel like theres an i in me. i have stepped down the wrong spiral staircase, and ended up in the bookmasters hall, where he has learned to shut up, be alone. and learn to suffer with it all. i’m not an old man why do i treat myself like one constantly? someone should just come talk to me, but i wouldn’t enjoy it i can’t stand the things, the people the potatoes their food and how it affects me. i’m in a dark place now, and its summer. each year i get more sad for a higher percentage of the year. i guess this is aging. my 1st grade teacher never did make that clear. why were we told all the shit that we were? it seems like it just confused me and didn’t help, having someone else teach you about their god. it will hurt the deepest part inside that now don’t even crawl i don’t feel my feet touching the ground i’m in another world, i’m connected here with the negativity of fear that makes me fearless if i just jump would you with me? no because i’m here  and i just jumped and no one caught me i’m at the bottom, the fall nearly killed me but i’m down here now, so i can catch you i can help you adjust. i can give you tips on living, but they aren’t worth a fuck. making things new. but when you have conquer and forget attitude you wont remember anything. and so i don't i just continue on the away.