it was brave

 i am not sure if quitting smoking is worth it, its day one and i’ve managed to smell the real new york city.  I need to weigh out my feelings on this. i cant decide if its worth it to smell all the good cause it comes with a lot of bad. with smoking i could just not smell anything ever, and be satisfied.  this means fasrts, and all other natural unpleasant smells. but then again these are NATURAL smells which i am a natural person so i think it is best to smell the flowers, even if it comes with all the piss and fishmarkets in new york city. its better to live than to block out how you feel altogehter iand go into a stale NO mode. i went to the brooklyn library today, and it was very simple small branch, had an book by R crumb and some other cool things, i got buster keaton in the General on DVD and a book of zen, psycopathology, music, and an eckhart toley book. they have dvd’s there and you can get up to 10 for 7 days. they had a lot of good stuff. i’m glad i went to the library.  I just browsed the books but didnt even get to the upstairs.  i want to fuck the librarian pretty bad. she was a hot black girl i feel good. i am just a mammal that acan think spurts up and control . and this smoking shit is great, i just puff on my e cig all day and live. I don’t need to impress anyone but myself. i feel great. my mother is an artist and i love everything she makes and does. I had a dream last night, i actually had a dream. it was a wierd dream where i was going around new york city and got in a bad situation that my uncle lindsay warned me about. i was on a train and foudn a big pile of money, and when i picked it up 5 guys surrounded me and they said, why dont you make a bet. and started telling me to bet the money, i didnt want any trouble so i tried to give it to them, but they wouldnt leave. they were actin gEXACtly how my uncle had warned me everyone in new york would be like.  its good this isnt the reality, cause it was damn scarrey, i ended up running from them for my whole dream, picking up a gang of friends and girls to go with me, eventually crashing a car into a wierd hay/twig city building.  everything was so sureal (duh it was adream).  I havent dreamt in a long time.  also i said prayers. mormon prayers to whatever god is listening, but those are the prayers i know how to say, so i used them.  and they comforted me. everything is beggining to show its peak. its not as abad as i thought everything is okay, i got foodstamps yesterday and just need to go back for 1 more thing. back to the dream, i was due to the magic shop and was crashed into this now partying building full of people (the twig building) it was on fire, the people were arriving that were chasing me, and i was on the phone with Kabir at the magic shop telling him i couldnt make it,with some excuse, and then there were girls all around me partying being loud and the angry men chasing me shouting out my name. its as if i’m hiding my true self to the magic shop. i have no idea why i would do that. its the music industry for christ sakes.  i want to build a dream machine. i have been using a computer version, and it has really been a breakthrough.  I am so glad to be alive and i feel like veryhitn is only going to continue getting better for me. i am just a being. i am a part of something ehre, and i saw a cool art pievece today that says “I have no friends, I have new york city” i thought that was kind of cool, because anyone that ever moves here alone totally has that.  its a place where you can always go do something, whatever you want is available.  I extended my stay in utah for another 10 days, i wont get sick of it, i will use it to do yoga and continue on my spiritual path .  i am going to sit in nature and be great. i’m going to walk to the canyon. i’m going to longboard around. i’m going to have a kid summer like i used to have. i’m going to write a song on my speakers, i’m going to fuck robyn, i’m going to fuck makelle, i’m going to fuck every girl i can.  i’m not going to buy any weed or do any drugs, just be me and dono holding my breathe i’m comfortable now i don’t need to hold myself back i’m still the same sweet boy raised good on teh west. in utah that is wehre i’m from. i’m in new york now. and i can do ANY GOD DAMNED THING I WANT!but i’m happy not doing anything sometimes, i like to just be, know my place in teh world, its not all so serious you know? elnlightments its a real thing. and you’ve got to be open to it and breathe. pray and read.  i need to brush up on my grammar.


so i’ve decided i have a problem with alcohol. I have known this it has been eating under my skin for a long time now, and i have kept making excuses or “asaying just one drink. but i’m sick of getting too drunk and high to move. im sick of hurting myself, i’m sick of waking up to a hot dry face and red eyes. i just want to feel how i did when i was a young kid. i can’t believe how much money i wasted. last night i was to buy 1 drink, and i blew 20$ on bullshit that made me feel even shittier then i already do!  its going to be tough quitting, i’m going to have to start doing everything differently, more like just thinking about everytrhing. i can still talk and socialize just not et drunk. i can go to the beach and have fun without going to beer island or another bar. its not a way to relax, relaxing is a way to relax. i don’t feel.