Fix

1..
is this digital age responsible for the loss of brain matter in this generation? what is going on with our social antics is completely opposite of the natural way. we’ve all learned to google anything and to flirt and be more charismatic and likeable through texting and what have you, smoking cigarettes and drinking. i’ve been unkowningly using smoking as a way to look normal for so long, the social advantages” are not really advantages when you think about it. if you stand on a corner and just stand there you will feel very akward andsense that everyone is looking at you even thoug this isnt the case. smoking is a reason to stand on a corner or talk to someone without feeling AS weird. but you know what i’ve outgrown it and it DOES make ME feel WEIRD now! also drinking, i’ve been reading my own body language a lot lately, and its like i am guarding my food like i’m in prison when i eat, when i sleep i am ready to pop up at any given moment. i love my seleep all i have to do today is sleep, i can be or do whatever i want. i just burned my throat. in little sections of my room i have labeled with tape the zones of conciousness, when i look down at the box that isnt mine i know i’m in level 1 layer 1 of my callice, it is a genuine struggle through the day l burn my throat and sing about carousels, or don’t sing at all.
1.
toppling over one another, my lives are no longer linear. i’m spread like a shot shell in the walls of the third floor new york city. it was morning on the other end of america, the coyotes were howling. “old kenny got drunk and beat vrigine up again” bobcats and oyster roads, coney island strolling up my back. sand is shooting against your skin the wind blowing hard like tiny shards like a shrapnel.  the pomegranite pops in my mouth as i gaze out my window onto my dirty street. I llit a cigarette. The night before i was at the radio station recording a live show on my laptop. I finally got out of there at 3am drunk and high. i couldn’t walk straight up my block and munched on sucker i’d been given. Of course, I reach for my keys and blunge up the stairs covering the whole flight in a fastforward hop. no keys. I was locked the fuck out... FUCK. so I sat down i made friends twith a cat but i didn’t want to touch it that much. it ewas a cute little bugger though, cats kind of remind me of a strrange bird. their body is all soft and loost with muscle like a  birds, the fur is almost like a shiny coat of feather. they haven’t a bone of nuerosis in there bodies.  chickens probably do, chickens are pissy little fucks. So i went and bought some munchies and waited for the sun to rise. when i lived on the second floor and someone was locked out they would throw rocks, not pebbles heavy rocks at my window to get my attention, it would scare the shit out of me when they hit wiht that hard THUD I would jump oup to see who had thrown it. then of course go down and let them in, i’m guilty of sitting up there and pretending nott to hear it, then he threw wa huge rock so i decided i better go down before he breaks my window. last night i threw peples, rocks, coins all sorts of shit on my bitch 2nd floor room mate natalie. I tried over 100 times and no one came, she probably isn’t even home.  after a couple hours of hanging wiht the stray tom cat and chugging milk and eating cookies, pouring the cat some milk out of the lid. i laugheed and pointed at the cat, itw as going to get diahread from drinkin that milk I mocked it and poored it more. I’m allergic to cats. I did hold its little face at one point when i became delirious as the sun was coming up/.  morning came and i started to get really pissed off that natalie wasnt coming to my aid when i wante dher to be the best she could well you know hwat she couldnt do it for me and i guess i’m just going to have to find out the right way to get in. so i got up and kicked the door as hard as i could rpeatedly, then i noticed a face wrapped behind the curtains from down stairs from the hispanic family I thought i twas a women, i couldn tbe sure i did have my glasses on. then the man answered and let me in. he looked so tired and comfortable. I was in finally and ready for bed. I sealed off my curtains and crawled into bed after a quick massage from the massage chair my roomates borrwed me. I lit a cigarette , turned my fan and went to “sleep”. at 9am, 2 hours after going to sleep I was woken up to a jackhammer directly outside my window. I wanted to yell SHUT UP FUCKERS! but i was too tired. so here i am now sitting on my bed, starring out my window thinking about my grandpa bob. he is a great man he was the mayor of this small town called orderville, i loved his house when i was younger we would play NES, dr mario and all sorts of shit together it was a blast. a fat fly is dying in my room, i can smell it. he would always have the best food and stuff like that, i should call him. the people outside doing construction is the most annoying fucking thing in the world. i dont know why i chose this city to live in with no money, i think i need to save up a bunch of money and move back here someday. but i don’t feel right doing that i just need a break to go home, i stop from the city. i fill my belly with junk.
goodmorning.


2.Happy Birthday

teaching someone how to be is retarded fucking retarded. iwhy have i gained this ultra sense of negativity and hatred for my own self? i lopve it. was it the drugs iv’e abuse, was it something i did?


i just watched an aepisodeof this american life and it was about an artist painting peopel as jesus, i saw a guy i knew and it made me cry a lot. i feel good crying. i miss utah. it was good to see it. all these things words cant describe are eating me up..



Thursday, June 23, 2011 4:14PM
i’ve been eating in the strangest psychotic manner for the past year, i eat whatever people give me and i don’t worry about getting my order right. i used to pick off the onions and scrape the mustard. now iam completely passive with my choice of food and the digestion never works because i never truly wanted to eat it in the first place. it was just something to do, something to hold hand to mouth, like the habbit i’ve been told i suffer from.  i eat untill i’m full and bored still.  then i find somethine else constantly craving opposite of what i just ate, and following up with a desert that is high fructose or cigarette.  it’s weird to not feel your food, not to taste it or smell it. i don’t really taste or smell anything anymore, or for that matter feel.  i wish i could feel like before all of this started.  i used to be very sensitive and vulnerable. i wanted to cake calises over that to protect myself.   i felt everything for everyone,  and it hurt a lot.  but i unconciously decided very young that i would do what all the star musicians i looked up to did, fucked with drugs and aimed direcetly between their own eyes  in an attempt to toughen up or cover up what they really were. to become unaffected by whatever is done to us or whatever we hear.  this bad habit has continued for too long, i’ve been constiapted in thought and in shit for too long.  I have had dislocated shoulder and shaky hands for too long to bear anymore.  so they only thing to get back to where i was is start caring again, because in the first place trying to not care was a major dis to myself becuase this was a lie and incongruent with my inner light.  i slowly became more like my physical body on the inside and this was not a good thing, because my physical body is unhealthy.  but it isnt’ i watched a show yesterday with a parapalegic that had such a great outlook on life and everyhitn, he sat there watching movies and writing with his thoughts and learning about the world, he pierced his eyebrow, hired assistance to help paint his fingernails when he got tired of his mother.  then he found a girlfriend and this made me feel so good because physically this guy was a head and a small dead body ( he looked pretty cool with his painted black nails, died hair and eyebrow piercing)  he was actualy unhealthy, my lack of health is an act that i implanted in myself to try and be less effected by the world. but it has stabbed me in the back.  the ciagerettes for social interaction have become a terrible crutch adn an akward habit, they are no long natural and calming up to my face. i shake and am in pain the whole time i smoke them. i convince myself i’m addicted and so i am.  i do want to quit feeling this pain. i’ve just fed the wrong wolf inside me for so long that he is much bigger than my good wolf, i need to starve the other wolf and gut his heart and replace it with a stuffed version of a puppy.  i need to feed my posiitve wolf so it can take control again and grow strong. whatever you feed in your head is likely to grow bigger adn become more dominant.  so you have to watch what your feeding, if you get cockroaches in the physical world, you wouldn’t start leaving out feasts for them, you would try and be cleaner and never crumb.  if you get the cockroaches in your head then you should do the same thing, not feed them just because they are there, you need to make a change to keep them from coming back, and let them know there is nothing here for them.  then they will die off in your head and be eaten by the good wolf that acts in completely truth to what i want. 







as i pace in my kitchen gliding over the tile patterns and gazing out the window through the lense of the screen, and my operating self is set off, i hear your voice i hear him i feel him in the other room that fuck of a roomate of mine, the epihany of unhealthy one clot of fucking worthless shit i would rather not be around anymore, sure he helped me out today but he is shady stupid and wierd like the rest off all these new yorkers, this place is not as artistic and raw as i thought it was, it feels likenew york is an ice cube tray, we are the water that has to fit into its little spac enad freeze, we cannot be ourselfves heere, everyone has their own new york persona that is completely unlike them unless they were rasied here, maybe its just me. but i dont know i see all these people being themselves here and i can’t understand how they do it, why are they not coweirng in fear and shaking from the trauma of the energy? i guees severyone is diefferent and i’m as unique as they come. so i just don’t know anymore i think i need a break and that is alll, i think i need to stop befreiending people i cant stand also.  so if anything new york has toaught me that sometimes we make the wrong decisions and things are not exactly what they advertised, but i’m judging off of people i know that are my roomates that arent even from here. i hate the fuck out of him, his snake eyes and shaky animal fake laughter, i just want something real, i’m sick and tired of spindiling this web of fake shit for other people to look at and it fall apart into one complete stream of nothing but negativity that actualy drives me lower to the ground. sad songs are like the heart beat, slow and loving. i love the lsad songs they ring through the air and make me remember what it is lik eother places. i knew new york would be hard, but maybe i just wasnt cut out for it. i have a hard time bleieving that i just need to get over the culture shock and live here for a little longer, if it doesnt start getting better i might die i migtht killmyself or kill my roomate, sitting htere munching on my cheetohs leaving godamned dishes in my room for me to clean up. grow up dood your 27 years old and you act weaker and less stable than me, and i’m pretty unstable. maybe you should fucking overdose you pig coward fuck. with you goatee and backwards hat. you are the exact kind of person i don’t like, why have i let you into my life. i’;m not friends with you nore i will never really be. you are okay sometimes and we do eachother facvors but a friendship based on favors is both selfish and useless to me. i cna myself favors just as easily as you can.  my thought constipation has stopped i’m okay now, my body is okay too, i am proccesssing myf ood right and i’m breathing deep into my diaphragm. i don’t want to be hereso i’m leaving. but i’ll be here now while i have to be. man it isnt even sad that i’m leaving i am so ready. i felt this way in arizona. what is it that i need to be happy? i should actually try all the shit happy people do, it actually works. i just always have to say but after everything and try and prove it wrong. thats my nature a littele bit. but it is also my nature to breathe and read and love, write, fuck, sleep, eat, kill, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckf i want to paint i dream a pretty cool picture from tripping.  the ups store seems so fare away right now and i just want to play super nintendo games.



Saturday, June 25, 2011 12:35PM
my body has a pulse that my eyes create from the blindness they have inside they are tired of reahing so far to see everything, and i roll a cigarette now watching my stomache beat down to my legs, my arm pulses and shakes as i dance inside to this sorrow of lonesome ness, i block out all love like i thought i would. i remember the night we were in your car, the comfort of acar heat has alwasy made me feel at home and releaxed, parked under that yellow light in the parking lot of some school as the windows get tattered with frost and snow. the air is calm and everything was still. now the skies shake, the cars beat down their path outside my window screeching and screaming for my to wake up, they make designs on my wall even with my curtains drawn.  i talked to you yesterday and now this one called me today. oh how i cant wait for the simplicity of home. i thought i would never look forward to winter butin utah it is so calm late at night when those big flakes fall and you can look up and see stars, and hear no one else around. i am here for today and tomorrow i need to know what to do to get you back. i think i need to let down my guard and stop treating this life a s a war. i’m not on the battle field i’m in a city.  it feels like a battle field with all the blacks gawking and staring as a walk by just waiting to yell faggot when i get out of sight.  since i cut my hair a black girl hasn’t blown me kisses, and i feel more like a revolutionary artist or something someone taht is prepared for the apocalypse with his looks, long nails and sore muscles from digesting fistfuls of mushrooms and cigarettes. i didn’t drink last night because i was broke i’m glad though i’m sick of it. everyday is the same when i do that, i feel hungover even though i slept pretty great. i am still recovering, letting my insides find their rightful place in myself again. i nuture and treat myself like a kitten to try and follow what the books say, but it just hurts still. i have this beat down behind my eyes dismantling everying i look at and picking apart all the flaws. or just looking at it completely indifferent to weather or not its really there. the blindness i’ve created for myself is what really scares me when i go out, that people can see this, not see me. and so i jerk and cry sometimes when i’m alone, and i havent felt whole since i went to the beach. but i should go to the beach today cause i wont be back for a little while. it was simpler when all i had were video games, it was right to grow up and continue on theis new york path the beautiful city i just need to leave my fucking room. i’ve tried reminding myself this numerous times, but my lathargy takes hold and ties my muscles and smacks them with a ruler for every attempt i make to get out or think of something better. so i fly lon airlplaneds tomorrow and instead fo being excieted for that i am worried about how i will get to the airport, and if i need to print off my ticket. i’m sick of falling into this human trap that society has grown into. everyone lives in their ego and ahs no regaurd for themselves. everyonece in a while you will be decieved by some natural snake that has become completely like their ego, they arent the kindt hat i want to hang around with or be with. they just want to get soemthing out of you like most other people. they want to hurt you more and more that you can hurt yourself. they will invade your space and make you not able to breathe. like teh ocean flows inside of us and i can hear it in my ears up past over the glow of sound the city of people creates. i will be at the dock soon sitting by fisherman and outcasts, drunks, and sluts. preps and more. the amusement parks roller coaster of coney island will rattle and growl at me as an advertisement, but i wont hear it i will have my headphones on and shoes to walk where i’m going, i’ll clip my toenails that seem to never grow back in the same ammount of time. i’m growing up now and my body is a heaven for my soul to sit. smelling my roomates potatoes makes me want to eat, as i creep by to take a shit and peak in the room full of friends and a bed spread in the middle of the floor, they are probably eating psychoblin and dusting records off the shelf to roll blunts on and keep in rotation untill the  night comes, wehn they pull out the beer, and talk and enjoy eachother i wish i could enjoy someone else, but i feel like shit around other people, i only feel slightly better alone. it is a tomb here and i use it to my advantage. but my selfish ego wants a  free ride, its a hard thing to deny it.  once in a while i’ll get in my circle of breathing i can be okay if i continue this circle.  i loved you a while ago, now i don’t know if i do. i hope i do cause i think i need to be in love to get over this slump i dwell on the women of my past like week old soup that i keep heating , then reheating, eating and never shitting out, then i gather the rest of the ingriedients from all my relationships and cook it into loving you. then i eat that but i never shit it out. i need to shit this love out .


june 25th



ioh my god wehat a fucking night my roomate brandon invited mtto his show iand i dindnt really want to go but i did and it weas amazing, we ended up leaving and seeing remi on the train and goign ot the waterfront and drining a bunch of whiskey i wasnt distorted like most would be, we did handstands on the boardwalk and we climbed the pull to do pushups. also the one legged squats killed my legs, it was so great this beautiful kindergardten taecher named michael talked to me by the water and i felt like i didnt knowe how to act but loved him still, he got my email and we continued forward. brandon played guitar here and made 17 bucks to spend on more alcohol. we went to the stonewall and squoase the rough the peopl, when i wlaked in i shatered some glasses as i brushed passed that fucking stuffed corner full of used derinks .  afterwrd we got on the train and talked to a crazy clown until we missed our stop  we had to get on the other train and were sitting at the platform waitng and i saw a beauty with short legs and coarse asian hair. i was inlove. so on the trian ride home brandon suggested that i write a note to her and give it to her before she gets off the train. it was so fun and excited and i was just drunk enough to actually do it. she was a beauty and i told her so in the note. to my suprise she texted me right when i got home and we conversed and i found iout she was 17 years old. that is illegal. fuck, her name is tina.


Sunday, June 26, 2011
i need to get back into my old listening habits to music i enjoy, this includes grindcore and mmainly the locust is still my favorite band and i’ve forgotten that heavy music is so damned good.  i woke up with sore legs and felt really good for being hungover. i am leaving to the airport in a couple hours and i’m very excited to be goign home hopefulely i’ll get enough lovin to last me when i come back here. i’m going to miss the pizza. its going to be a tranformation being in utah for sure. i will feel so much more comfortable and happy with myself, even though i’m starting to feel that way here. you just got to do it like nike, i always say that and then forget it and go into weak deer shaking baby mode.  brandon is breaking up with olya and i could hear the poor guy yelling this morning “why did you bring me here ? did you bring me here to destroy me!?”  and last night he kept saying things in a heavy angry and he cried in front of me. it was sad and pathetic because i agree with everything he was saying about himself. he says he lies to protect people but thats bullshit he lies to be a liar and is a fuck for that. but i have a friend in miami now and hopefully he will leave because his vibes are not the greatest although we have fun sometimes. i’m glad i came to new york and i’m living the dream.  i can nget any girl i want and do whatever i want here.  its a golden age and i thought that we werent alive for anything cool, but look at the gay marriage law passing and the fucking crazy visual music going on lately. facebook is tearing down the world as usuall, but it doenst seem like that big of a deal somehow anymore.  i drank a bunch last night and had such a wonderful time it was like ever since i read the first couple pages of the eckhart toli book i have changed and i’m not ever going back to that weak persont hat lays  around feeling sorry for himself. i need to move on emotionally with my life and these women of my are ready to topple over, i’ve stacked them so high and i confuse them all now it is a silly thing to do but i do it . when i was a young kid i loved being the leader, the source of energy and the short good punk skateboarder. i havent skateboarded for a while now but plan on it when i get bakc into utah. scotty is picking me up at the airport in salt lake at midnight then we are going to my moms house in orem.  i’m excited to have a good summer with my old best buddy i hope he feels the same and is ready for this. i’m excited to ride in cars again, the last time i was in a car that wasnt paid for or complete junk was 4 months ago in my moms car on the way to the airport.  staying away from family is hard but it really allows you the space you need to find out who you are and make it work.  sherry the land lord is too scared to use paypal which is just fukcing retarded so i have to mail a check. i’m goign to find a way to work out here when i get bakc and i’m going to make bank and move into a sweet studio apartment where i can be louder more like myself. alone.   i hope i get brick walls and no cockroaches. the way everyone is here is a veil underneath they are just all from other places in america. this is america i guess.  its a great city for its ugly streets, pretty tall buildings, ugly people beautiful people. ethnic diversity. gangsters. i hope i can get to the jfk airport alright i need to take a shuttle there or something.  i love it i love it i love it.  i’m a strong young man. i’m going to be 22 years old, this age actually fits my personality. 21 was a weird age much like being 17, its an ugly number that doesnt match my personality. another year older, another year wiser. i’m an adult now growing up is what this is all about it wreaks through my skin.  my body is still young and my mind ttoo. i feel like i’m sstill developing.  the water grows up to the dock and swallows everything whole every once in awhile and washes away the sins of everything. somethings are just not worth the pain. simple life with simple thoughts, lack of self hatred opens up every door one could possibly see. its not how you are but how you think about it. be your inner self and this wouytward creature will follow you .  its a clueless way to live but it works .