Dry Heat

i’m home here back in utah and it feels great, its like settling down in a nest that someone made for you your whole life. i forgot all the memories i had here and all the cool stuff i own. i want to make my home in new york more like it is here, but i fear that is impossible, because i like the smells my mother has and nothing smells good for long in new york. and with my junkie roomates its way hard enough to keep it clean.  man i know what returning home is like now, and its wonderful here. everything is so simple and nothing is a lie.  i feel like i am in my place and i wish i could have a doorway that took me home whernenber i felt like it. but i don’t have that and i never will, so i’m going to have to make a plan here on how i’ll stay strong in new york and not smoke too much weed, and get a job and have my head on straight. i need to get a job and become independant. it was hard there new york wore me down quite a bit but i see now that my home will always be here for me and it is fairy tale perfect. my mother and rose decorated the house for my when i got home. i got picked up from the airport by scotty and mardy his girlfriend. we then hit up del taco and munched out. i was really sore from the day before and i’m still really sore.  it has been so nice to feel okay here and not be afraid of everyone constantly. we went to cafe rio with rose while my mom was at work and nicole and nick picked her up, and that asshole nick had the nerve to offer me spice (that smokeable bullshit) that waas the first hting he asked me.  and i told him fuck that it gives me a headache. i didnt care that he asked, but obviously infront of the kids was retarded.  i am preparing to quit smoking again and i feel ready again. its easier out here everything is soft and nice to me.  nothing feels threatening. but wehn i went to cafe rio i ran into my old teacher from allc and i told her i was living in new york interning at a recording studio. but then i got all anxious its like i was in new york again. everything was shaking and i couldnt relax i then couldnt order my food loud enough which always pisses me off. Scott and i got some beers last night and i had to chug 6 to get a buzz, and was extremely dehydrated this morning. they are worse on your stomache i think having to drink as many as you do to get drunk.  being alone in a house is the most amazing feeling. i’m lonely in new york but i’m not really alone. it kind of sucks like that. it feels like i have a guard up making me snap at some things my mother says. roxy is so cute i wish i could stay here, but i need to do whats right -adventuring.  there is so much to do in this world with soo many places with all different people living different cultures.  we watched teen mom last night because mardy wanted to. i was pretty sick of the damn show and went to bed. it feels good to sleep in a queen i was very comfortable. i found out explosions in the sky + no age are playing the twighlight festival.   i broke out my harmonicas that i have never played then beagan walking around blowing out my bluese like crazy. it felt good it felt fvery animal but natural.  i had to wake up to hide all the beer in the house , apparently my grandparents are coming up to surprise me by taking me to dinner. i’m excited to see them i guess i made grandpa cry when i talked to him once i got back. i love the old guy, i feel a very deep connection with him lately. like we are a lot alike, during his alcoholic days i think he just htought a little more than everyobdy else but the society and ienvironment he lived in was so limiting it crushed all his thoughts.  now he’s a jesus man , i’m cool with that he knows what makes him happy, gardening, watching birds, feeeding birds, cooking.  i dont’ want him to die soon but i fear he might. he is 69 years old i hope he doesnt before i really get to know him. it feels like i cant get to know him though. i wonder if he thinks he knows me like he wants to?  i’ve grown distant from everything and everyone for a while now , idon’t know why. I hate it i wish i could just be the sweet kid i am on the inside nobody can tell me different. i feel like doing something great like writing an album while i’m here only with less preessure. i just need to let my animal side out by blowing that harmonica. cj is going to let me borrow his guitar which will be great. the dry heat is hotter here for sure , my skin is dry because of it. flaky .  i’ve been confused with my feelings about love for a while now. i met michael colwill at the dock on the night gay marriage got passed, we have been emailing eachother. i have a positive friend when i get back in town. he does hot yoga in the city , he also told me that he would be moral support for me to go do it. i would love that because he had a great body, looked very happy dancing alone on a small platform.  i was suprised he talked to me. this fate shit is either really clever or a load of BS.  i need to not take out the fun of living,, be more like alli G testing th boundaries from people.
i’m relieved to here music about people feeling the same way i do. im playing portishead through my tube record player, it sounds so golden.  my dog is holding a grudge against me i can tell. i guess i taught her about distancing herself so she just is doing what her daddy does.  i’m confused about robyn. i dont really love her its been so long. i just need a fucking confidence boost, i need to know i can get her back. i want to be someone that is down to earth and not nervous about anything anymore. i am that person i can write to be myself.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011
being home has been a shake to reality. a lot of closure has happened. my grandparents took me out to lunch yesterday.  my grandpa said that he woke up and said”gloria want to do something stupid” which was driving 2 hours to take me to lunch. of course he knew my grandma would say yes to doing something stupid . it was really good hanging with scott we played starcraft. at sizzler we talked about this generation and the effect technology has on us. my grandma had to bring up this generations lack of grooming etc.  my grandpa bore his testimony to scott and i. instead of just being completely put off and not hearing what he had to say i heard every word relating it to how i feel with what makes sense to me. i could have argued telling him my side, what it means to me. the illusion of christ is the best way humans can understand the universe. its like teaching kids about things in simpler terms so it doenst blow their minds giving them comfort in knowledge with what is familiar or makes sense to them. vic came over after work and it was good to see him. he is a great guy that is in his groove doing what he does.  i truly believe he will be a semi famous musician in the indie community some day. he’s so much cooler than some of the people in new york. we laid on the couch while i told him all about new york city, waiting for cj to give us the ok to head over. then we finally did.  cj was awesome to see but i get social anxiety and had to break the ice in order to be a .
i just want to be normal and okay so badly. why do i feel like this? my brain must be the problem like my mom says. why cant i just be okay lik ei could wehn i was younger? what happened to me? i guess not trusting myself to take care and nuture is something that i hav emissed, it seems like i’m a different person then justus right now its really shitty. this is depression and anxiety i need to get back on meds i think. i hate to do it with the way i drink, but i need to slow down or i’m going to die very young. i hurt inside. my body doesnt feel like its mine, neither does anything i own. its like the real justus died, nobody can help me but me. i just wallow in this self pity and it makes me seem so pathetic to myself. i’m home with my dog who i love which i thought would make me happy, but i have a mental block up in my brain not allowing me to be happy. anti depressants make me love her! i woke up and had a good walk with my mom and suzi but i just dont feel like myself. i used to get really happy in the summer. now i feel more dead each year. somebody PLEASE tear this false self from  my soul. i need an exorcism. my head wont stop spinning, i can’t smell or taste anything or heare anything. i’m in a control room operating out of obligation. its a terrible feeling with shaky vision and my mine running rampant over its self crashing then burning then crashing then burning. nothing i do helps for more than a day or an hour.  what in the fuck.