Move all thisshit or move one thing

Copfight

Afductiosns to things that already exist I'd a cop out

Primal instincts

It's finding an ideal mate that's beauty will keep growing out like Quakie tree roots spreading and growing. Seeing every ounce of beauty in the physical plane the eyes lips to find the perfect mate you want to size up their skills and you need to see a reason to pro creat withthem. You wa.t to preserve that person for the world. So the future generations can benefit from their exisrence. That's unselfish I want to preserve you for them.

Work

Today I had the strongest urge I've ever had to quit my job it was at the end of my shift too. I don't want to be fucking 23 year's old working as hard as I do for as little pay as I get I don't know how everyone I works with stays so positive and happy its definitely not for me. My sweat and time isn't worth those suckers. They don't deserve it I need a nice comfy job that makes me feel like a man not like the man's personal slit. I'm so uninterested in this category of person I've been fit with at this ducking job. Everything's so serious cause it is

Mf

Male feminist

Santa clause

home

home is where the heart is and its fun and nadines here.  and i'm starting to unwind

classic

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lol

Ya

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diurnal_rhythm

highly intelligent layers of mania drenched in thunder and laughing clouds. eyes that look but don't focus back at me in teh mirror you are reflecting this to me.  hand on whatever is near "i haven't been home in a long long time" thas not true i've been home before.  i feel like the cause of all our problems, not the victim but the predator. fuck sorries that game is for kids. i don't dream either i just think up shit. or stay awake and smoke

wl person will light their survival< for /p>

Sigur ros

Prospect park 2012 didnt Pau 40$ yo get in, so im lating outside the fence where I can hear it perfectly thet jeep planning My favorite songs. Man it beautiful i have chills and goosebumps hearing these times that used to sing me to sleep. This band sounds idénticas to their álbumes and hey are playing the whole spectrum of álbumes. Its getting My inner water flowing for sure

sticky

i really do

i'm really in love with this girl.  I'm just going to trust it and let it be, i'm not going to

wakeup!

reoocurring themes of the contest of doing things,
dreams slapped into reality
they aren't real
we're really real.

Material

I'm living in a material world and I am a material girl

I'm living in a material world and I'm a material girl

Golden Eye

i'm goign to have to develop some serious ways of spending my time, i used to use this time to kill myself but now i will do something a little more "productive" i think you are not like any other girl you are special like the girl in spy movies the exotic girl that steals diamonds and robs banks with you. someone you can live wiht and have fun with forever.  you're fire and i see the sun in you.  when sense my hesitation it's because i'm getting very close to fire, so i'm a little startled, i'm just being cautious.

soft

the inner warmth to the top horizontal and bottom vertical light triangles. your body in the center, the life and holyness of touch feelign being heated up to a random person in yoru kitchen begging for her blue cup. its not our problem.  finally letting go of the quick dodge reality trick i learned when i was younger.  the smoke has filled my body and made me sick. it will make us all sick. we will play ball with the catcher just to prove we can throw. a owoman walkks aroudn in beautiful clothing she used to not dare wear she is very kind and takes care of her man. she loves her man.  he is sick as a a gypsy and she is out to get a basket of goodies. some delicious treats to cure his fever and cough. i feel my legs and botdy finally start growining and not that i'm holding in something that should be snowing i want to flex my face like other people that apepard to really be there. i feel some of my face but now from the inside i feel it the air on the outside touching the surface. i inhale and a strange bubbling sounds in my chest. i'm passing out now. i fall into my sheets and twist and shout in my dreams i'm fighting the sleep. i do'nt want it. i get the illusion of your body being the warm one. when i just feel the heat on my body like the surface told before. its a tall cup of water to force down. beach days listening to the natural surround soudn of the ocean and standing up on busses' i actually injoyed a salad today.my fingers feel week and i was afraid to call work but i don't work till saturday thank god.  i want a record player so i can finally hear my new order album

falling out of reality

falling out of reality is a scary thing. you land and you are in this unfamiliar world and nothing you know and trust is there or makes sense to you. it could be the darkest part of me i've ever seen. it happened first a few months ago at a party. i had gotten extremely drunk and became dellusional at an amazing roof party. there was loud music and a live drummer just jamming along to the beats. it was really hopping and i should have had a good time.  my buddy rolled a joint and of course i partook. after this everything went downhill. i became paranoid about the light shining righ on my face, my girlfriend was just trying to talk to me and i was not in reality, i honestly believed that this entire thing was staged. i don't know if its because it seemed too cool and godo to be true or what.  i believed my friend greg and my girlfriend were on a mission to be my "friend" or keep me under control. kind of like the truman show, it was scary. i hadn't had another experience like this for some time. yesterday i decided to get some cheap wine during the day. i was planning on drinking it alone, but when i cam home my downstairs roomates door was open so i poked my head in to see what was up.  he is a really depressing guy i have no idea why i even went into that room (which used to be my old room)  i don't even remember this guys name its kind of sad.  he makes me feel like there is so much weight on my shoulders and he is pretty fucked up in the head. smart, but fucked up.  after getting a minor buzz and him getting obliverated he started talking about ex girlfriends and shit.  ick so i went to get another bottle of wine up to my room, and caught my new neighboor entering his door. we introduced ourselves and i told them i smoke and was about to smoke. he was with a black dude with long dreads pulled back, pretty cool looking dudes. so i went inside and had a seat on his couch. it was very nice and open in there, i should have taken that room.  after some small talk i got really high and began to drink their cheap rum.  they were cool guys but one thing i noticed was the owner of the room was very fidgety and never looked me in the eye.  i began getting very introverted and coming up with some crazy ideas after talking about dennis. i felt like they were controlling my body or my inner feelings in one way or another. like i was wired up to their system and no longer controlled my own body.  the man that wouldn't make eye contact sat menacing in his chair.  they began talking about someone and i assumed it was me.  i put together in my head that dennis the old guy in there was making a movie about me or some art project and everyone i've met that i'm kind of close to is related to this guy.  greg my buddy i met through him and my girlfriend new him before. at the time i bleleived everyone i met that has associated with this guy was in some kind of matrix all watching me. it really bugge dme out. then when i got into my room i was so hammered it was turned into a mess and i didn't remember doing any of it.  i couldn't hardly hold myself up i was thinking about my lover being one of them. just doing her job with me.  i don't think i could be able to handle that.  then i realized i might be going crazy, i might have paranoid delusions when i get extremely fucked up. when i do that i go on autopilot which then is a blank idle conciousness that can be taken ahold by any of the evil swarming inside of you.  anything in your body can then slip you on like a glove, and make you pickup things and hold them to your mouth as you watch.  i really love my girlfriend and i never want to be so bad that she can't stand me. sometimes we can't stand ourselves, but thats why we have loved ones, they strenghten us through positive influence and love us even when we hate us.  i really appreciate that, i want unconditional love and i will give unconditional love to you and our future children forever.

seller

\
salutations follow the leader after they've dropped off a ocupl eo fyears, you lose your inner sttrenght when others are around your energy drags in their direction everyone seeems to be a vampire to you. how can you set a wwall up to block this vaccuum friends extend? shaken and scarred of nothing real just the one thing youc an't run away from yourself and the epic knowledge that all people are created, not equally but wer are all created or made into somehting we are not supposed to be at the end. feeling soft in the eyes reflects the calmness of your brain.  but usually i squeese them really tight and don't let anybody really see whats underneath, i feel if they see tensipon they don't see me if they dont' see me i can't get hurt. because what there hating isn't really me. wtf kind of philosophy when clouds are always out in summer time its awesome. OH MY GOD GONS PLEASE Calm me. don't you know? i  was once standing up adn i finally sat down i didn't want ot feel my legs trying anymoree. i once fell in love and i held it down, i can finally beliece i deserve our love. and the movie on the screen is a rapid rape scene... what am i supposed to do with my experiment of a self. i know you fucking faggots at heart are all watching. i see some [ep[le play jazz but not even hear it. what a gimmick some fuckimg wannabe artists can be i don't understand whats gotten into me. i don't know if i understand the continue action. am i really me mee me me em wtf i dunnnt want me or any friends in this i wish i spilt on myself and woke up with it fora change something is coming and its landing fast i cant feel safe i dont know what to do about that.

loosie

somethign has been delicious in the air ately i think its reality but i can't be sure if i trust it. i went ot the store for a sand witch and ended up getting talked to by this old bum guy with a hole in his center lung areat and a tube as well. he asked to see my tattoo and said it was something he'd seen before, all i told him was it was da vinci and then we stood together waiting for my sandwich in silence. then two dudes walked in headed straight for the beer section. the one in front stared me down, i just stood waiting to feast on cajun turkey. i got my sandwich high from the high deli chef, and checked out from the high cashier. it was nice wobble wobble was playing on the radio and it felt amazing. i left and doubled back, i had forgotten to pickup loose cigarettes even though i have 3 more in my pack. while asking for the loosing one of the dudes said "did you just say loosie they have loosies here" i grunted him off got my cigarettes and was out the door. on the outside i got a light from the bum that asked me about my tattoo, a human as an extention to a lighter much like my arm.  love for people much like arms. a tall fit black man was yelling outside the bodega i couldn't quite tell if he was talking to someone across the street or just yelling at god because the bum seemed very into his conveersatuin it could have gone either way.  i turned around the corner after lighting my cigarette and the man yelled "white boy" i ginored him "white boy yeah i'm talking to you" i turned around and he was approaching fast spitting game to get a cigarette i said "i only have a couple of loosies for me and my girl" he replied "you got any loose change?"
"nope i'm broke"
"where the cash at find the cash"
we departed on this question of information.

I have no idea why I feel so afraid now that I'm.finally in the same house as nadines parents. I'm usually good with parents but for some reason I am really nervous because I think it's serious and its something that could probably make or break the relationship. Jesus I want it so bad bit now that I'm here o feel afraid I just need to remember it will all be over soon then it will be out of the way. I have no idea w
hy I feel like an intruder but I do. My eyes are focused weird. I wonder how many non Jew people have felt this pressure and I feel so fine there is a nutty storm.outside thst pushed me into.this scenario, like a child that can't swim once he's.been flu.ng into the water by someone he trusts he has no choice but to swim and swim fast. I wish I was at a swimming pool right now.we.could have.more fun this intimate shut is crazy. I just should have wentiit to galleries,e

greenranger

 the one before this was much more my taste but this one moves.  So i'll show it to you.

taco bell

jaws

now that i have this

nothing else matters or drips from a  sweaty rain sewn poncho tripping over crooked sidewalks, microphone in ear.  peaking up from under the hood to ensure the person that found you under pounds of weight that you are ok that you will be okay.  everything happens for a  reason and leetin us flow loos flipping esashaells on the beach to hold our teeth in our mouth and feel steressed out is a fucking blessing you ccan love the money but its gonna run out. i ran out of a flat gasping belly into the next cloud world 3 dash 4 one walking and moving as it happens, not before predicting or resting your tenses on someone else ina  love game hope that someone you beat this game with will love you. but it never happens you end up draggint you're feet at the sight of your love. you feel





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why do you do ?



whywhwyhwy

do you do?


http://soundcloud.com/ian-johnson/jamie-xx-essential-mix-8-27
i cheated
my self








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khole

i don't know what happened when i lost control last night it was a great day and i didn't have to do that. i was basically talked into being selfish from spaceghost purrp it was such a dumb idea. i had 1 ambien and decided it would be a good idea when i ran into roberto to buy some kedamine and nosrt the hole thing in my room while my mom was right upstairs, how disrespectful and stupid i think she found me when i was sad and sitting up passed out this morning but i have no idea what the hell happened and now it is really akward in here. i am not sure how i will handle this.  i hope she isn't going to hate me so much.  fucking seriously.  i need to get on some anti depressants.

godamn

man i feel good this french piece of shit cafe i have no idea how it hasn't gone under yet, the french douchebag with a pony tail sucking dick listening to the worste music ever, and you can't sit with a coffee, they have a 4 dollar minimum which is fucking stupid i came here to have a breathe alone which i am getting...but at a price of 2 extra dollars i didn't want his stupid fucking crossants that i've had before and they taste dry and shitty. the coffe even sucks here the only reason i am here is because i have no where else to go and my room is occupied by my girlfriend and mother. i had a really great day yesterday i haven't bought anything for myself in a long time and my mom took me shopping and bought me whatever i wanted, i also ended up buying 2 new records velvet underground self titled and a new order record that the store dude recommended.  i hope i don't get bed bugs from sitting in this shit hole.  i think i want to buy a nintendo ds today but i can't tell if i want a television and a real game console instead.  i had an amazing night last night my mom and i went to williamsburg to shop and see the water, we ended up at the punk rock n roll bar the charleston we had a few drinks and talked about life eating a pizza and then went back to the water, she watched my back while i pissed in public it was cool.  she is an awesome lady and i wish she would just move here already. i woke up earlier than her and my girlfriend today. probably from the post drunk sugar rush that floods my head around this time nearly every morning. i drank well whisky last night and turned into a dick by the end. whats new with that?  i guess i called my girlfriend dumb, which i definetly do not believe.  she has a new job and is doing awesome im so happy she's finally at a job she likes.  i didn't want to talk to some fucking scuzzy local asshole last night about his security jobs and his strenghts, i hate people that fish for attention. one simple reason why i won't give those peopel the attention they crave and set you up for is because i'm not like them, i don't do that so i wont support or help out someone that does. its a dumb thing but i guess kind of stubborn. but really man you could have left us in our dead conversation where i say nothing but how i feel in the moment. i'm decked out in new threads looking beautiful and i'm sick of dumb fucking idiots all the time. maybe i'm the dumb one afterall now that i have a phone and grind my teeth. they don't want loner lurkers here i guess stupid fucking ponytail, atleast get a bun you fucking losery. i can't believe the business you get. why am i so angry i had a great day yesterday and don't feel half bad other than i am hung over as a busy slut. i had 3 circular brusises stacked on my lower back right over my spine yesterday, today it has turned into 4, i hope it isn't cancer. but knowing the way i treat myself thats really all it could be.  i'd finally have a reason to be afraid if that is true.  but i don't think it is i think i have a pinched nerve or some shit.  sometimes i can't sit still. most the time i can't sit still and don't know what to do with my hands but bring them to my mouth, like a liar.  no when i glance up the caffeine tackles the hangover and puts words in little blocks not called paragraphs. i'll never be satisfied. i want to become a chiropractor/acupuncture massage therapist or whatever. i want to heal people i don't want to drift from bar to bar anymore looking down thinking about how i have failed at my first choice. but i haven't failed at all i'm a great engineer that can solve any problem i'm faced with, i DO NOT want to have a career that is based on making shitty artists appear better than they are. i'm pretty fucking certain i hate most artists especially the ones that try to hard. i guess its cause i can relate to them and see all their fallacy too well. god fuck i have no idea when i'll finally be happy. i like hanging out with my mom a lot but i just don't want her to get that goofy weird  clingy love.  sometimes i act like that with nadine and hate it i see her in myself and i love her very much but for some reason it irks me so bad. losery is my new favorite word i judege all these people becuase i feel that way about myself obviously. i don't know how i love my girlfriend but somehow still always feel like i'm pretending when i'm around her. i love her for sure, i only want to stop hiding that from her.this place is playing the worste music i've ever heard. fucking joke i tell you. i have been getting a strange buzzing in my brain for a while now when i finally feel alive or stimulated its retarded. i love good coffee it makes you shit. 

roof

i'm gonna jump off this roof party
i'll land on my crutches
theyll break like my legs would have.

shelfish

selfish destructive
google cant answer my problems this time
i have to look inside
i don't want to know whats inside when i can't handle whats going on outside
in the moment going against the grain feels so right
theseveryone is in on this joke(mylife)
what the fuck is wrong with me
i think god is the same as being on the truman show.

it

godamn it feel like taking myself away from everything/one right now.

stuck in 1989 bitch

i'm stuck in a world of tv babies


i'm stuck as a tv baby

we'd much rather get a handoff emotion than experience it for ourselves. its just so much easier when the screen is the same as your smile, tears, and fear.


tears for fear?

my room is a sauna, i'm out of here, you aren't the only one with feet.

yesh

sometimes people don't see what you see, its okay though that shit happens. no worries

Justus for today reiki

Just for today, I will slap a bitch
Just for today, I will punish a ho
Just for today, I will use my power

Just for today, I will break all the laws 
Just for today, I will touch my toes

jagged energy

you were sleeping remember?

baby

have you ever done something so bad to someone else that you can never take it back? and it will hold your tongue for the rest of your "life"?

"he saw the random, countless impacts to create a surface like that"

cassette recorder turned ipod...

Its what
happens;

when...
...take
...deep
...breaths.

Teething

TEETHING

wish i had money and time for this

fatty happy

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/slim--sad-fat--happy-519034.html

and how the fuck does this make any sense?  fat people are happier because they have accepted their fatness.
 i'll never be fat.... i'll never be happy

Medication

“smudge” =life/time smear

 ....always thought i could see the world spinning when the clouds were moving, but it was just the weather

i love the smell of myself, somethings is dripping out the corner of my head i don’t know where the circle stops or where it begins, a baby wont you please come home. i ride my feet down the blocks in my neighborhood, i stop and walk to the streetlights to mute my mood. i wanna stop but just cant stop it feels to good. wont you hold me cant i hold you? wont you come back home again. i wanna teeth i wanna breathe i wanna hear new life, crying fighting dying smiling holding in its master thought, own a head make it float, its yours again, drag your spine leave behind your foot prints don’t separate, so i’m dragging my feet i’m keeping it neat as i walk passed humans n cubans and some sort of africans. eating only when i feel bored to calm the sounds, my windows open sighs are stolen through paragraphs. you chug yourself and you feel better you are what you eat so you wont stutter from these gulps and these drinking, cocking your wrist and head back your ready to feel something. if this habit didn't start where would i be on earth doing my own part. a activated thumb scan to show that you are the right person to be walking through that door your drop your lure and it sinks in the teeth you were aiming for. we shot what were aiming for, why are you always holding throats with your conscious life support. an itch on the nose, emotion sent and declined so i have to lie to myself covering my nose with my hand like a child again. maybe we can live forever maybe we’ll live again. i like your brown eyes in the sunshine. you lay in the perfect part where my body meets my arm. its a comfortable solution for feeling down, i wish i could be strong forever and you see it, you’ll feel it. i’ll be strong forever you’ll feel it, you can feel it.  why do i get so weak when i’m in the strongest position. why do i feel like hiding when i’m with my favorite friends one stops and one goest the lights shatter the atmosphere the bike rides and the gears keep spinning. i shake the blanket that we were laying on where,, we both saw something we knew might happen.  we searched miles in the park for the perfect spot, is spread the blanket with the dolphins holding palm trees up. five fingers like their human counter parts .if we keep going we’ll keep floating into the other side. if you get through i’ll be there when you sink in, i won’t stare cause we both feel the same pressure, lets put it down, i’ll be the clown let do this the right way. i want to show you the rawest focus through my lens, i want to tell you the things that hold me together. but when i feel like this i cant even hear my thoughts my self control has been over-clocked. i don’t get overtime and my pays a week late, i hover on the water in a fountain wishing it was a lake. passerby's can make you feel so related. i need that outside i need that sunshine or i become sedated. i can’t fake it but i try so hard. my hand shakes with every odd counter movement the opposite of what i was thinking the ship drops and now were both sinking. on the dock our feet covers cracks flowing over my crotch i hold my babies in. were holding a baby in, then were taking it out. i really wonder if two people that wont fart in front of each other can have a kid. and how often this happens and how its fucked up.  i want to give everything but i feel drained, i feel stuck. we both have the same life issues to depend on ourself but we look to each other to distract and cheer us up. it works for the moment, everything is fine. i love every second but i would really like to show you mine. i would really like to be me all the time.  i get into the groove of walking with two feet but then the fall down, and drag my feet. i cant feel my body weight above my knees, i’m welding down my touch so i can feel alright. i want to shape my face like clay i’ve never handled but i’m sure i could make something ugly i’m positive i wouldn't love it. if i could change my face it would be for the temporary beauty, something that doesn't last but looks good at first. basically flesh, teeth and eyes looking good in the moment, but when the worst times comes whose holding your cheeks up.  my smile shakes, and you ask about it, i don't know how to answer i feel worn out. i need to do me but i hate when you say that. i love you and i’m me for you thats all i can be. these things are how i act but its not who i am. i clam up in the moment. foot bone is connected to the cement bone, cement bone connected to the head bone, head bone connected to the feet.  i want to sleep with my own limbs on, stop them twisting into each other, and just holding on to my body. gravity is obviously pulling me down but i don’t feel it all the way, i feel my knees bending inward as i fleck the pelves, the backboard to my genitals. i can make a wall so stiff to sharpen a knife on my skin. i want you to hold it in, till it drips out. don’t think of it as such a bad thing its only natural we’re only hand stands until the sun goes down. we blend to posts, the walls the solid areas around our ankles piss drips down the dirts sidewalk.  everything i have ever known since i was a young boy being raised by who i was raised by in the environment i was raised. i used to rebel against their stupid anxiety and pride. worrying about a reputation when you’ll be dead and no one will remember, what was the point of sticking to that town again? feeling safe warm and spreading your offspring there. its yucky when you look down and can’t feel what you see, but somehow you know your eyes are part of what your looking at.  street children laugh not noticing the cars honk and the eye glances of my headphones, head blocked up in a whirl of distorted thoughts, or distorted reality.  i’m going to find out something for myself, if what i think makes me, is what i really believe. i’m a god and i cant be stopped i will keep floating around these randomly found spots, that leave my liver stained, sucking my ribs. my heart feels like its floating but i can’t feel my chest.  can someone please map out my nervous system the synapses seems to misfire in every direction. i need to hire a guard or get a dog so i can detect my own dialect that streams forever in my head. and it grows out as hair, dead. then i cut it and regrow my thoughts again and again, i’ll do this till i’m dead, or i run out of hair.looking down at my body criticizing everything thought we have to find out where we start and stop. i can hop on one foot till i’m antsy i walk on one leg two times with my feet. slip the cover over and dip it in the wax, it will come out as an over reaction. we sit hear in satisfaction glancing out the window when we hear a scream. just to pretend i acknowledged it, i would never call the cops. i hate the cops. its kind of a shit storm living in america and not trusting the cops. i feel completely alone here, i have stopped but my life keeps moving. dipping your head under water to pull something up your teeth are bleeding you haven’t flossed enough. when young get to the end how many of these things will be true. wasting time on opposite thoughts that we lean into. i trust my path and i understand its there, but it really sucks to see people ahead of you.  the choices i’ve made, and the judgements i make about myself.  some moment in time that we hold to close and it twists up our spine holding onto us and the things we love, getting under our skin, becoming those things we love and who we are. so much science to learn, so many explanations to ignore and make up our own for. its starting to be like the bible again i can feel time repeating itself and its really sliding down the latter. our smudge is going to stay here.  about a year and half ago maybe more i realized something so true it has never left my mind even though i don’t understand it. so my belief is this, we are born in a year say 1989 and we have a clear path projector style gears rolling and picture pushing out over the air. our starting point is a large pile of black tar that we are born from, leaving a small stain on the nerves of life.  i mean all of life, every string attached to every being ending somewhere. these aren’t the lines in math class that go forever. much like a slug we smear ourselves along as we grow older and think more into our bodies. we can go on forever in the moment, with our bodies staying still. so as we drag along leaving behind how we have effected life, our timeline builds and the earth keeps “spinning” if that even exists.  so we stand on our path, as the world turns with our feet on the ground writing our rounds in circles around the planet. so we start where we are born with a small black splat, and then we scoot forward in the big picture a whole 2 inches, we die and another black splat is dapped at the point of our death.  thats all we have a 2 inch line life span in the eyes of science and human measurement. there is no astrological way to measure how long we live, i don’t understand the standard of days and year set out for everyone to follow the exact same way when no one is the exact same. this has never made sense to me, because every year we live we cut down 1/80th of our life, and our perception of time decreases or get more used to spinning the seconds around in a circle over and over again. we are all so limited by the clock and the speed at which it turns, say if someone is about to die and they are in charge of the worlds time, they would have it set to such a  speed that every minute to a child would end up being   7 to an aged, drying, dying adult. we can’t find a solid stance on time because our conciseness is ever evolving and we aren’t stopping for anything even if its directly in the way. so now our smudge becomes a zig zag and we sag our bellies, they drag on the ground as we drop and stop holding thoughts and never letting them grasp our heads. fill my head like smoke, so i can stop my holding on and deep dripping lime, seeding your split lips tequila drips into your bloodstream and opens your minds legs, now your mentally waiting to get fucked, and you can’t say no, anything or anyone you walk by during your smudge of life can cut it short, or adjust the width. i think our life starts as thing as a single string, it sticks to the birth valley of tar and stretches out like saliva stretching from the roof of your mouth to your tongue as you hold it out you let the smudge slur around your mouth, now you don’t control where you’re going, you are on the other end of that line. its scary as fuck to think you are the only thing that can chose where it lands, where its going and where it ends. then we zoom out of control into the threshold of at least 1/1000th of the human population, we see a littered canvas dripping with saddles, and legs lower, spurts of insemination, and abortion dots clot the canvas. we are spread along these things, not over them like a layer, but more into them like a blending crayon. maybe more like wet paint that can leak into the other color making ten new colors to chose from before it hits the end of the rainbow. this may only be seen through a magnifying glass, we drop the hatch and leave the lid open as we are heated and streak down a canvas of clouds. when you have this experience and notice the rain, a cloud floats over your smudge and drains the color from your brush and paint, leaving it thin and unrealizable, unattainable. not really there. then we hit puberty, our cloud can finally bleed the color into something other than itself. in a dream we stray from the smudge.  then we wake up, so now we have tiny quills of alternate thrills and experiences that never existed anywhere other that in us. if i could sleep and dream my whole life would i go the exact same place as if i participate?  its so fun that no one can answer these questions. it keeps me deathly curious, and dead center on my smudge.  i wonder if at the end the smudge thins in width creating a point to the second tar mound. i will bury my head in the sounds of rock and roll to feel my own soul, what does that do to the color of my smudge? once i set my focus elsewhere i feel like i’m in control again i need to get away from my feelings because i can’t digest them. can someone tell me why my body eats things it can’t handle?  how much of my smudge is suppressed by the way i hold my body? the way i squeeze my hands into the center of this laptop to type these words that will eventually kill my wrists. what does that carpal tunnel looks like on my smudge?  its like a life line with only a y axis that you can call x because there is no y.  so it spreads thicker in whatever dimension your looking at it from, it becomes full and thrust into function.  the feet tickle the legs of the other times the pelvis was spread and it all leads up to this.  i am so easily effected by you. when i’m with you i feel like my smudge is more like a peel and i’m riding the wave as it is peeled over the side, like surfing on the curve of the turning page.  but 365 pages turned about 70 times, if we live until we are 70 we will have 25,550 days to our lives.  if we write a page everyday, an average reader will read our entire life in 3.548611111 days. but who will take the time when their smudge is still stretching to the end? i spend a lot of time doing things that  shorten my line, its not on purpose.  



“smudge” =life








 i seek constant thrill and companionship that alway is over always ends, just like myself, like everyone else.

mice

its funny how fast your outlook on something can change. in the heat of being intruded on you may yell in the face of the crowd.  but to keep to yourself you will guard the hole in your walls.   things feeling kind of strange like the usual things. time blinks on and off as usual skipping mass periods of time, i can't tell if i'm blacking out into nothingness or if i'm blank meditating. it feels weird to bleive such a snowball of made up information. i wonder how when i was raised if this stubborn thumb was left inside me that is too good for everything but not good enough for anything.  good old rock and roll keeps me going usually. sometimes rap will put me in an ok mood but it is all very hallow fun style music. rock and roll has some finger nails and can dig in.  people confuse themselves when they dont want a friend near but they end up there anyway and you are now to beat down and weak to say no. so you buy champagne and miss a good show.  but you didn't really miss it you.  eveyrthing is lining up atleast financially i hope so.  i can't wait to stert my jerb.

bushwick bird

job interviews are so retarded to me. I hate the application proccess. so stupid the protocol of copying the exact information i put on my resume to their form of application. fucking stupid then the interview where I can't stop from adjusting my hands and legs, speaking with a sight shakiness in my voice like i'm afraid of getting hired.  but the thing is i am overqualified for all of these positions in this tryfe city full of closet drug addicts and alcoholics.  i see people make it here through that. but how real is it to just get paid to party? i think this is the only place where that could be a way of life. maybe i'm jealous that it can work for some people but not for me. i saw a dead baby bird on my way to the interview.  on my way home i picked up a pack of cigarettes and walked by the local bum that practically lives on a bus bench. he of course asked me for a cigarette, a lady waiting for the bus asked me too. i told them they could share, but then on second look this lady look relatively clean and normal, so sharing with homeless jesus was probably something she wouldnt want to do. i decided id give her one too, thank god i did.  she told me there was a box of books right there that i could look through someone just left it.
so for the price of 2 cigarettes i got 4 practically new books
-Diary of a Madman (and other stories) by Nikolai Sogol
-The Idiot- Fyodor Dostoevsky
-The Sound and Fury-William Faulkner
-The Darling-Russel Banks

already half way through diary of a madman.

Into The Abyss (2011)

Werner Herzog's 2011 film Into The Abyss, a documentary about a man on death row and the humans he effected with his choices.  I enjoy the way Herzog always handles his interviewees.  He asks questions from an objective yet relative perspective.  The emotions and personalities he captures on camera in this will definetly break through your wall of blocked emotions.  you are able to see the inner workings of an Texas group that is riddled with crime and hick excitement.  what made me decide to blog about this is the great camera work around 1 hour 4 minutes, where there is a red camero. the camera man keeps the reflection of the camera smoothly out of the shot the entire time, then when the scene ends he shows the camera in the reflection and manually zooms into blackness, flawlessly transitioning to the next scene. 

Black Pus, Buck Gooter, Mounds 4/13/2012

Went to death by audio to check out a long time favorite musician that is one of the people that inspired me to move to new york.  I went with my girlfriend we were chilling to the other bands drinking some pbr's rolling cigarettes.  when buck gooter came on (a  two piece noise duo or i dont know what to call them) thats when we decided we must purchase the lame 1$ earplugs they were definetly out to take some  kids hearing home with them.
we saved our joint for right before black place, chippendale was watching mounds right next to me when we decided to spark up our tree's.  after we got stoned the complete scene changed and we both became very weak in the legs and i couldnt take myself off the wall when he started playing i think my mind was blown for longer than any other show.  watching his feet twitch and hit his loop and wah pedals was the only view we really had, but it was so worth it.

David Lynch Art Exhibit

this was at jack tilton art gallery right on the edge of central park.  I wasnt able to make the opening where the man himself made an appearance.  The gallery had 2 floors and a theater showing a less than minute movie on loop of a strange egg cracking and glowing.  the tilton gallery was nice, i had tried to go before the last day but got lost and showed up 4 minutes after it closed.
here are some pictures:

Lil' B at NYU

I haven't stopped looking at everyone like a baby, it has helped my life. glad i didnt go in person tho
'nuff said
listen

Doomsday device

finally built this little toy noise maker housed in a pencil box, highly recommended to any beginner that wants some soldering practice before they fuck up one of their precious toy keyboards. you dont have to do much circuitry, just folllow simple instructions and find body contacts. I plan on adding some potss and things to it. I've also bent a casio sk-5 and a yamaha pss, but this is a first kit i've built.  I also have an atari punk console that I'm going to be building soon.

Greg Dancing

made this video at an ital dj set at Tandem bar in Bushwick off of troutman.  pure boredom=

its my homie greg